A Zed & Two Noughts Page #2

when I took to Beta to the insect house

to watch butterflies.

Your wife said they should be let free.

She didn't approve of zoos, did she?

Why is your

daughter called Beta?

Alpha, Beta, Gamma.

I wanted 26 children.

Beta wasn't the first.

The first one died.

I had an infection, mercury poisoning.

Where I come from,

you take mercury to procure an abortion.

There aren't 26 letters in the Greek

alphabet, there's only 23.

- What's Oswald Deuce doing here?

- Watching an apple fade away.

How original!

- "A" is for...

- Angelfish.

- "B" is for...

- Butterfly.

Do you think that's wise?

There are too many of them.

Will they survive the cold?

This zoo is too crowded.

Bit too many staff, for a start.

Haven't you got anything

better to do than watch me?

Venus de Milo's been asking after you.

I cannot stand the idea

of her body rotting away

for nothing.

Or was it for some reason?

Where's this?

It's where I was born.

It's called L'Escargot.

Tell me what happened,

in detail.

You know what happened.

Paula and Griselda

were shopping for china...

- What was Griselda wearing?

- A green hat, black shoes.

- We left there about 3:00...

- Was she wearing a scarf?

Yes. We turned out

of the car park and then...

Why was she buying china?

She said she needed china.

She bought 6 soup-bowls...

What were they like?

They were white with blue markings

and an egg-timer and a milk-jug.

An egg-timer? What the hell

did she want with an egg-timer?

I imagine, Oswald, to time eggs.

- Well, why would she want to time eggs?

- Oswald, think what you're saying.

What else did she buy?

Paula wanted to go to the fishmonger.

- I bought a lobster.

- Why did you buy a lobster for?

- Oswald, this is getting silly.

- Did my wife buy anything?

Oh, yes, prawns.

- Prawns?

- Yes!

Thank you! That will do for now.

But all this is a long way back

in the story.

Oh, well. Thank you, for telling me.

Oswald, where are you going?

The variety of shape, form and structure

in the development of animals

at this time is extraordinary.

Side-scuttling crabs,

slow-moving snails,

animals that look like stones,

that take on the colour of sand,

animals that resemble plants,

that scavenge,

that develop poisons

and stinging apparatus,

that live on detritus and each other,

creating systems of defence and attack,

whose ingenuity is limitless.

Anything in the papers, then?

- Why don't you sit down, Plate?

- Thanks very much, Oliver.

I heard you was in here.

- There's a funny smell in here.

- It's me, I've stopped washing.

Now, I'm sorry,

to hear about your wife.

So am I.

Venus de Milo has been asking after you.

Everyone's pimp and messenger,

eh, Plate?

Suit yourself.

Milo,

have you ever done it with animals?

If that's what you want,

if it would help,

I could invent for you.

It'll cost 5 a story.

That's what Anas Nin charged in 1927,

only she did it professionally.

I haven't started professionally, yet.

5 or an introduction to a publisher.

- Or a credit note to a large bookshop...

- That's all right! All right, go on!

Once upon a time,

there were three bears...

No nursery stories.

No? All right.

A circus owner in Anchorage

kept a polar bear called Fairbanks

to entertain Eskimo wives...

Unlikely!

And how come you know about Alaska?

I was attentive in geography.

The bear had a narrow snout,

a sweet nature,

and a rough and probing tongue.

It also liked honey...

It's beginning to sound

like a bedtime story.

- Isn't that just what you wanted?

- And there are no bees in Alaska.

There are as many bees

in Alaska as snails.

Why do you like snails?

They're a nice

primitive form of life.

They helped the world decay

and they're hermaphrodite

and can satisfy their own sexual needs.

- I don't believe it.

- Neither do I.

The circus owner by leasing out

the bear with a jar of honey

had two profitable sources of income.

God, Milo! This is another

whingeing story about money.

- And I disapprove of circuses.

- I disapprove of zoos.

Just shut up and get out.

But I haven't got to the erotic bit yet.

Get out!

Get out!

Oh, mind your snail!

Out!

Get out! Go on!

Out!

# If you go down to the woods today

You'd better go in disguise

# If you go down to the woods today

Be sure of...

Be careful with those,

you stupid idiot!

It's best mohair.

I spent a lot of time on this suit.

# If you go down to the woods today

You'd better go in disguise

# If you go down to the woods today

Be sure of a big surprise

What sort of stories does

your brother Oswald like?

Why don't you go and ask him?

# At six o'clock

their mummies and daddies

# Will take them home to bed

# Because they're tired

# Little teddy bears #

And leave those little snails alone,

you dirty old man.

Oh, Lord! It's Oswald Deuce again!

What's he up to?

What's the connection

between apples and prawns?

What do gone off prawns remind you of?

And what's the betting all of Oswald's

wives smells like that there?

Maybe he enjoyed the smell so much,

he's trying to recapture it.

You're disgusting!

You are too prim for words.

Make him eat a prawn!

Oswald won't mind.

Take that off. Put this on.

It belongs to my wife.

And this hat.

Open the coat down the front.

Fold your arms.

All right, begin.

In Botswana,

they kept a bull in a cave...

I've heard it.

You have? Hmm.

Well...

In the 1870s,

in the Regent's Park Zoo in London

there was an enclosure

reserved for certain rare animals

that came to be called,

"The Obscene Animals Enclosure."

One of the animals,

in this special enclosure,

was a toad.

At least it had the body of a toad.

It was all your bloody fault!

- What was?

- The death of my wife!

I see.

I'm expected to have a pilot's licence?

How could I anticipate swans?

You were wearing white feathers

and you were driving a Ford Mercury.

- So?

- You were asking for trouble.

Why?

You said you took mercury

to procure an abortion.

You were pregnant.

How the hell did you know

I was pregnant?

Pregnant women

are notoriously unreliable.

Especially, when they're trying

to procure an abortion.

It was all your fault, you b*tch!

Oliver!

Was my story worth 10?

I normally get 25 for 4,000 words.

That's one-eighth of what Pauline Rage

got for The Story of O.

- Did I tell it well?

- Yes!

Write it down,

I'll see it gets published.

That's what your brother said.

Is it?

Isn't it time you and he

became a little more friendly?

How is he?

He's miserable

like you.

Oliver says,

that rot starts in the stomach.

With an apple?

In the intestines,

in the liver, pancreas,

the spleen, near the womb.

I'm going to see Oliver.

Do you want me to give him a message?

No, I've got nothing to say.

Yes, tell him to look after himself.

Oliver!

Oliver, what the hell are you doing?

I'm having breakfast.

Stop it, you bloody idiot!

- You pathetic idiot!

- It's only ice.

Ice floats

and you don't put ice in wine.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes