A Zed & Two Noughts Page #3

Since when has etiquette

been your strong point?

Oh, all right.

Phone for an ambulance, I've had enough.

Thank you.

- Shall I call for Oswald?

- No!

All right, yes.

Tell him, I'm bleeding. He'll come.

He always used to come

when I was bleeding.

What's Oliver looking for?

I don't know.

I mean, look at all this stuff.

Maybe he's looking for an answer

to his wife's death.

He will not find it here.

This is just a straightforward account.

The squid

is among the most intelligent

of the invertebrates.

Darwin was a good storyteller.

Both brothers have taken out a copy.

Have I got to sit through them all?

There are eight parts.

This is only the third.

God, it's all such a dreary fiction.

You were right.

Though I didn't deserve this, okay?

How was he right?

I was pregnant.

I not only lost a leg in that crash,

I lost a child.

Though I wasn't,

by any means, trying to.

Gamma is not

a very good name for a child.

I have yet to work out my greater loss.

But I know that I want another leg

and another child.

As you can see,

it was inferior china.

What do you want

to keep those for?

Throw them away, you stupid boy!

I'd like to see this place.

Then go and see it.

And come back and tell me,

how it's getting on.

The key is in my bag.

You could go together.

So who found you?

- De Milo.

- Who is she?

Actually, her trade name is Venus,

her clients call her De Milo.

The seamstress.

She's a beautiful stitcher.

When she's not watching the zebras,

she meets her clients

at the panda house.

Oh! And what's her speciality?

Bamboo.

- "J" is for...

- Jaguar.

- "K" is for...

- Kangaroo.

- "L" is for...

- Lion.

- "M" is for...

- Monkey.

Mon dieu, Oswald! What's this?

Prawns on their way back.

- Way back?

- To where they came from.

Ooze, slime, murk...

Ooh, I'm still alive.

Someone's being tampering

with my experiment.

Or perhaps they were hungry.

Who the hell is he?

He's the surgeon who removed my leg.

He wants to be a painter,

a Dutch painter.

In fact, the Dutch painter Vermeer,

no less!

Vermeer

only painted 26 paintings

and three of those are dubious.

That's enough.

Obviously not!

Van Meegeren tried to paint some more.

- That's his name!

- Who's name?

- The surgeon's.

- Pardon?

Van Meegeren.

He's the cousin of the faker

who painted fake Vermeers.

What's his speciality?

Vermeer women.

Van Meegeren says, I look like

the lady standing at a virginal.

I suspect it's because

you never see her legs.

She's not standing really.

She's strapped and stitched

to her music stool.

Van Meegeren has a great reputation

for stitching.

Stitching?

Suturing. Sewing up wounds. Operations.

He's made a beautiful job on me.

- Look.

- No, I can't.

- Why not?

- Because...

You see what I mean?

I can see more than that.

Oh! That, well...

That's pretty redundant now, isn't it?

I mean, except to pee through.

I want you to make sure

those two brothers don't

get too close to Alba Bewick.

How do I do that?

Distract them.

As only you know how.

What's in it for me?

My patients...

Our patients that'd be.

And a continuing place

in my operating theatre,

and in my bed.

Oliver!

I was thinking, at the crash,

which way was the wind blowing?

Was it blowing off the buildings

at the north side,

or the buildings on the south side?

Stop, Oliver, enough.

You've got to stop!

What difference does it make?

You exhaust me with your obsessions.

Both of you!

You're our only witness.

What sort of witness was I?

In searing pain?

A face full of feathers? An egg yolk?

My leg smashed to pulp, bleeding.

And you ask me for wind directions.

Sorry.

- Where's Beta?

- She's with Oswald.

Look, it was an accident.

5,000 accidents happen every day.

- This one's...

- Bizarre, tragic, farcical!

- This one is different...

- They're acts of God!

Fit only to amaze the survivors

and irritate the insurance company.

This one is different, for God's sake!

Is it?

The wives of two zoologists die in a car

driven by a woman called Bewick,

who's attacked by a swan on Swan's Way!

You are already beginning to build

yourself a case for the supernatural.

But another set of details,

from the same crash,

could produce something

completely different!

And what about me?

Don't I deserve some consideration?

With a daughter, who can't sit still,

and why should she?

Take her out for me, will you?

Van Meegeren is going to fit me

with an artificial leg tomorrow.

Kiss me.

I haven't been kissed since your wife

kissed me a month ago.

Kiss me on the cheek.

Here, where she did.

And the ostrich eats anything at all.

And buries its head in the sand

when it's afraid.

- And the elephant lives to be 100.

- And never forgets a face.

So, you see between us,

we know everything.

You don't know everything.

Between us, we do.

All right, then.

You see that woman over there?

What color knickers is she wearing?

- Red ones, to match her hat.

- No, she isn't.

- How do you know?

- I know.

Well, Oliver,

you could always go and ask

and find out.

Go on, ask her.

Excuse me, madam,

I'm sorry to bother you.

I think we may just have met before.

May I trouble you in the interest

of that child's education?

May I ask you a few questions?

- Like?

- Like? Uh...

Are these ostrich feathers?

- Who are you exactly? Do I know you?

- I'm an animal behaviourist, madam.

Then your question doesn't sound

very well informed.

- What animals are you a behaviourist of?

- All animals. Madam...

Can I ask you a personal question?

Which do you prefer...

What color are your knickers?

- Black and white striped.

- Thank you!

It's a pleasure.

- You see, black and white stripes.

- You didn't know. I knew all the time.

- You did?

- Yes, I saw them yesterday.

Well, why did you make me

go through all that, then?

Excuse me.

Just in case you don't believe me,

I can show you.

Ah! No, thank you very much!

We believe you.

- I insist!

- It's really quite all right. Thank you!

If you are both zoologists as you claim,

you pride yourself on your powers

of observation.

You must continue these experiments.

If you don't look at the evidence,

you're cheating the child.

Come with me or I swear

I'll kick this table over.

Go on, then.

God!

And now I'll knock over this one,

if you don't go with me at once.

All right! Where to?

Just follow me.

Go on, then.

Thanks very much.

All right, smart zoologist.

Now see for yourself.

Go on.

That will cost you 40.

And there's another thing,

Van Meegeren and I believe

it's better for you

and your precious brother

not to see Alba Bewick,

before it's too late.

Too late?

If you both feel so lonely,

you can't help yourself,

come and see me.

Together, if you must.

And I don't tell dirty stories.

Don't press too hard, my back aches.

- Where does it ache?

- Across the hips and along the spine.

Don't worry. It's a natural condition.

Let's have you in a sitting position.

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