A Zed & Two Noughts Page #4

- Tell me, what happened to my leg?

- What do you mean?

- Where is it now? Have you sold it?

- It was incinerated.

- Where?

- Don't concern yourself with it.

- Where?

- In the hospital incinerator.

What is your connection with the zoo?

I am veterinarian consultant.

Why do you ask?

- Do you perform amputations on animals?

- If they are necessary.

Do you fit animals

with artificial limbs?

Where are these questions leading, Alba?

Is animal surgery

so different from human surgery?

There are many similarities.

- What's this for?

- It's for a surprise.

What sort of a surprise?

Don't be alarmed.

I'm sure you'll like it.

What sort of surprise

will it be if we tell you?

- You take too many liberties.

- I do. They're all in your interest.

- Is that a real angelfish?

- Yes.

Can it fly?

Well, if it could,

it still couldn't escape.

It's a caged fish.

- Can it swim away?

- Where would it swim to?

The Sargasso sea.

That's where all fish go.

Is it?

Yes, that's where

my mother's leg has gone.

- How come?

- It was taken by a shark.

Called Van Meegeren, perhaps.

- Who's he?

- Oh, just a keeper of legs.

Do you keep

lots of black and white fish?

- Yes.

- Zebra-fish?

We also have parrot-fish,

elephant-fish,

rat-fish and tiger-sharks.

You see, fish anticipated

everything that was to come.

I don't know why evolution bothered

to go on. Why go further?

There are no swan-fish.

Oliver? Oswald?

What are you doing here so late?

Reptiles.

I want to tell you about...

Sit here.

Reptiles differed from

their immediate amphibious ancestors

by having a skin capable

of retaining body moisture.

Which meant that animals

for the first time...

Isn't it a bit late

to be watching reptiles?

400 million years too late.

- What's all this watching for?

- I'm trying to work it out.

What out?

Why we should come all this way,

slowly and painfully,

inch by inch, fraction by fraction,

second by second,

so that my wife should die by a swan?

Very personal view of evolution.

What have a swan and my wife

got in common?

- Me!

- You?

And my car, my amputated leg,

my lost child.

Before the vast majority of reptiles

died out mysteriously...

Reptiles didn't die out.

They grew feathers and became birds.

So our swan was a flying lizard?

Did Jupiter know that

when he raped Leda?

He didn't rape her. She was willing.

Mon dieu, Oswald!

Are you implying I was?

What do you mean?

You've been trying to tell me,

you and Oliver,

that I was responsible

for your wife's death.

No, we haven't.

And things have suddenly changed.

Forcing the development

of new sexual apparatus...

Where is Oliver?

He's working.

He keeps stealing snails,

letting butterflies free.

He should go there.

It's full of snails and butterflies.

If you left a bicycle by the back door,

and you went indoors to use the toilet,

when you came out,

the saddle was covered in snails,

licking up your sweat.

I haven't been there for 15 years.

I'd quite like to die there.

You must go there for me.

You might find my Felipe Arc-en-Ciel.

The key is in my bag.

God!

- Good Lord, Alba! Which one?

- Oh! I don't know, I've forgotten.

You'd better try them all.

Ah! Start with this one. It looks right.

- Why'd you keep all these?

- I've always had them.

You must never throw a key away.

Did you know that?

Kiss me.

Crocodiles and their relatives,

the gharials, alligators and caimans...

- Your leg.

- What leg?

Don't be so sensitive.

You'd be surprised,

what a novelty it is.

Come on. I want more than a kiss.

You might like it. Your brother did.

- What's the charge?

- Charge?

The charge is 30.

Do you think the zebra was a mistake?

Never.

Do you think that

black and white stripes are useful?

I'm sure they are.

Since the zebra

is such a beautiful animal,

you'd have thought, perhaps, that man

would have invented a fanciful hybrid.

Wouldn't you?

You know, like a centaur.

A black and white centaur,

half-woman, half-zebra,

with striped breasts,

ever-ready haunches and a white tail.

No black hair.

They'd only put it in a zoo.

- Next to the unicorn.

- And the mermaid.

Animals are always kept for profit.

Maybe that's what they are for.

There are many ways of making a profit.

If I had the money to own a zoo,

I would stock it with

mythological animals.

And where would you find them?

I would ask you to help me.

Oh, I'm very expensive.

You don't seem

to have protected Alba

from the attentions

of Oliver and Oswald.

I can't patrol the world like a sentry.

You could surely offer more

attractive alternatives

than a woman with one leg.

Would they be interested in a woman

with no legs at all?

Since you, obviously, put more

interest in her than you do in me,

you ought to be able to answer

the question yourself.

- Captain Hook had one leg.

- It was his arm.

And Long John Silver.

They were both fictional,

so they don't count.

- And Victor Hugo's father.

- He wrote fiction, so he doesn't count.

It was a cork leg.

Really?

Oh, I wonder if he had as much

trouble having it fitting as I am?

- Next time you two must come with me.

- Why?

To protect to me

from unnecessary attentions.

- Oh, you're imagining it.

- Pinocchio's legs were wooden.

Well, Toulouse-Lautrec.

He had legs,

they were just a little short.

Now, his father kept horses.

So? Marie Antoinette's father kept pigs.

Look what happened to her.

Marie Antoinette's father

didn't keep pigs!

Somebody's father did.

You two are improving, aren't you?

Who would have thought

you knew one another?

Yeah, Beta.

Shall we jump in now or later?

What would we taste like?

Grief doesn't flavour anything.

It's just sour.

- Excuse me, can I have a word with you?

- Go ahead.

- Wouldn't you like to speak to me alone?

- No.

Oh, dear! Grief is a great healer.

I hear you might be looking

for some dead animals.

I may be.

- Well, what exactly are you looking for?

- Reptiles.

- Would something a bit bigger do?

- Not yet.

Would a crocodile do?

Well, it might,

but I'm unlikely to find one.

- How much would you pay?

- Pay? I haven't thought.

What all you'll bought with the

insurance money, you're not badly off.

That's none of your business.

- 40.

- That seems a lot.

- All right, 35.

- Where did you get that?

In a zoo community of 7,000 animals,

there are deaths every day.

I mean, crocodiles are not immortal.

De Milo, with my

instructions, has made you a dress.

It's a copy in every detail,

of the one worn by Madame Van Ees,

in both The Concert

and The Music Lesson.

We now nearly have the entire wardrobe

seen in Vermeer's paintings.

I came for an artificial leg,

not an artificial dress.

Just to please me.

Milo, help Alba with the dress.

Have you two met?

I know enough, Milo,

to know that you favour black

and plan to earn your living

as a writer.

I know a publisher.

You must come and tell me

some dirty stories.

Oh, what you would like?

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