A Zed & Two Noughts Page #5

I could tell you about

what Venus did to the unicorn

in Beardsley's Under the Hill.

- Milo...

- He got paid 60 guineas.

What do you think 60 guineas was worth?

Milo, put the dress on.

In this room, as you can see,

I'm only used for holding pins.

Do I really have to?

Come on, sit at the piano.

Can you play?

Nothing very complicated.

It needs a tuck here.

There's not enough spread.

A pity about the hair.

Get me out of here.

C'est terrible!

What's so terrible?

I'm an excuse for medical

experiments and art theory.

You must get me out of here

and out of the hospital.

They are trying to help you.

Help me, for God's sake!

What are you thinking?

I'm stitched and sewn

to the music stool.

Look, I'm imprisoned!

This is one

of the most specialised of birds,

which has evolved

during the past few million years

to exploit this one

particular environment.

The shallow alkaline lakes and lagoons

swarming with microscopic life.

Why not?

It's beautiful!

Does Alba really know

what she's got here?

I'm sure of it.

- Does she really know what she's doing?

- She's trying to start all over again.

By sleeping with two brothers

who can't tell the difference

between pleasure and grief

and take advantage of her loneliness.

My impression was she was

taking advantage of our loneliness.

So...

Who's gaining most out of this

mutual exploitation?

- At the moment, I am.

- Why you?

'Cause I'm enjoying this!

You're here but worried

about exploitation.

And Alba's not here

but in bed without a leg.

Now, open your eyes.

We've not found your Felipe Arc-en-Ciel,

but we have found you an apartment.

Now you'll be safe

from art and medicine.

It looks very expensive!

And a little bit vulgar.

It's certainly convenient for the zoo.

And who's going to pay for all this?

We are!

And here is a reminder

of how it really goes.

# If you go down in the woods today

# You're sure of a big surprise #

I see,

exchanging one prison for another.

But the music is still the same.

- So, I am to be a kept woman?

- Not so you'd notice.

Will I be able to escape if I want to?

Of course!

You know, I don't believe in cages.

- Suppose, I don't want to escape.

- Good grief, Alba!

You're free to come and go,

as you please.

Good! Just want to get that straight.

You know they clip

the wings of birds in the zoo.

Yeah, but they always grow again.

Now that wasn't a such a bright thing

to say in the circumstances, was it?

Sorry.

- Who has the keys?

- You can have the keys.

The keys aren't in it.

Look, you are as free as a bird!

Just like Leda.

Prove I'm as free as a bird.

- Prove it?

- Mmm-hmm.

All right.

All right, you just sit on your balcony

at 9:
00 tomorrow morning

and I'll show you how easy it is

to free birds.

Okay, let's see how all that

changes in the face of new evidence.

I am about to become a mother,

and you are about to become a father.

- Or fathers.

- You what?

- You are?

- I am.

- Good Lord.

- Why not?

- You can?

- Of course.

- Is leglessness a form of contraception?

- I'm not sure.

- You're not sure?

- I'm delighted.

You're delighted.

A pregnant cripple and you're delighted?

Think of what it will do

to my sense of balance.

- It might help give you more stability.

- Then you recommend it.

Recommendation's one thing,

a woman on crutches is another.

So, who's the father?

Well, well, well.

Why don't you discuss it

between yourselves?

Well, don't you know?

Grand dieu, does an animal behaviourist

need to ask such questions?

As far as I'm concerned you both are.

- But you're...

- No buts!

You are brothers, aren't you?

What's a few spermatozoa among brothers?

Oliver,

invigorating as the sight may be to you,

perhaps you can tell me

something about their escape.

You think I should know?

I understand that you are

critical about my custody of birds.

They look like twins.

Could they fly like that, do you think?

- Joined together like that?

- They could learn.

- Could my fish learn?

- I'm sure.

It's lonely.

I'll show you what to do. Come with me.

Both the tiger and the zebra

carry their own prison bars.

But whereas the tiger's stripes,

undoubtedly serve as camouflage,

the stripes of the zebra

are now no longer believed

to be protective colouring.

The flamingo, Jerome,

lives on crustaceans.

The richer the diet,

the pinker the feathers.

Your birds are too pale.

Fresh prawns

are rather difficult to keep

as I'm sure you understand.

A flamingo enclosure

is 10 feet by 12.

You have 123 birds which gives each bird

one square foot each.

Flamingos normally roost

standing on one another's feet.

There you are, a mirror image.

It's not that impossible to find.

Flamingos never

experience a temperature

lower than five degrees centigrade.

Nor do they

respect traffic signals.

Your fugitive cold and anaemic flamingos

don't look terribly at home

waiting for a taxi, do they?

Well, you've got it wrong.

They're waiting for a bus

to Africa.

How charming. Oliver, a warning.

Snails, butterflies and now birds

have escaped from the zoo.

I can't prove that

you're responsible, Oliver,

but I'm sure my suspicions

are not too far from the truth.

Be careful.

# A horse, of course

Is such a noble beast#

I've got to go back to the hospital.

- Why?

- I'm going to lose the other one.

Other what?

This one.

What's the matter with you?

- It looks all right, doesn't it?

- Of course, it does.

- What's wrong with it?

- It's got to go.

Oh, you're joking. You can't be serious.

You pulling my leg?

It's dying.

How can it be dying?

It's all on its own.

It's lonely.

You never see a female leg in a Vermeer.

Have you noticed?

Do you think it's a conspiracy

by Van Meegeren?

It's Van Meegeren who says,

it's got to come off.

He says it's a shock to the spine.

I'm getting sore,

that I can hardly move.

Feel it. It's cold, don't you think?

How could you both love this leg

as much as me?

It's the only leg I've got left.

How much of your body can you lose

and still recognise yourself?

Two legs look so good together,

don't you think?

They complement one another.

It's sad, just,

they were made for each other.

Like us.

Like your legs, Alba.

We are complementary.

Of course, you are.

Oh! What's the name of the piece

at the back of the knee?

- Hasn't got a name.

- Oh, then I won't miss it.

Lots of other common features

haven't got names

like this small piece of gristle

that separates the nostrils.

It also keeps them together.

Why do we have to have two nostrils?

Why do we have to have

two of everything?

- Symmetry is all.

- We're twins.

I know you are.

Just because you've chosen now

to reveal your amazing secret,

doesn't mean I have to be surprised.

- Who told you?

- No one.

I guessed.

- Not even your wives told me.

- They didn't know.

They didn't know? Come on.

- They didn't know.

- They knew we were brothers,

but they were never told

that we were twins.

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