A Zed & Two Noughts Page #6

Well, now, that is a surprise.

Well...

They can't torture me any more

by burning straws between my toes.

I can't be tickled to death

on the soles of my feet.

I can't be kneecapped.

Or get housemaid's knee

or athlete's foot.

- Or verruca.

- You can get verrucas on your hands.

Say goodbye to my leg.

Both of you.

Bye, leg.

Go on, Oswald.

Goodbye, leg.

Kiss it.

It needs a send-off.

Here and here.

Pauvre jambe.

Come to the window.

Turn out the light.

- What are you watching?

- It's a convalescence present,

to celebrate your return

to the zoo hotel.

I turned out the rhino.

- It followed me to the corner.

- And you abandoned it.

- It'll be all right.

- Supposing it attacks someone?

It won't. It's short-sighted.

Carry me to the window.

I've never been to Africa.

The rhino seems able

to look after itself.

Take me back to bed.

Come and join me.

Now, how about changing sides?

No, I'm happy on the left.

I exactly know my place

and feel very comfortable in it.

Though it's possibly only tonight,

for the first time,

that I am prepared to acknowledge it.

- Know your place?

- Since before I was three.

- You have a long memory.

- And a few scars to prove it.

Prove it?

Below the ear.

At the shoulder.

Along the hip.

And along the shin.

Oswald and Oliver,

Siamese twins.

Why haven't you acknowledged it before?

- Paternal advice.

- Say nothing and nobody will ever know.

But it's something special

to shout about, isn't it?

Was it?

Freaks and rarities

used to be kept in circuses.

Now all civilised, they're kept in zoos.

Our mother didn't like the idea of us

being a rare species...

You have no right to use zoo equipment

for any old animal

you find in the streets.

Specially not

a black and white one,

knocked down by a malicious driver?

What is it, Hoyten,

about black and white animals

that you must reserve

your special animosity for them?

- Nothing!

- What did you say?

Unless you pay me 200

for the use of that dog...

Hoyten, it's not yours to sell.

And if we can

prove you killed it,

it's you who'll do the paying.

I shall report this misuse

of zoo property to Fallast.

You do that.

Come on, lad.

I sit here for hours.

It's like sitting amongst lighthouses.

Each lighthouse is giving you

a bearing on lost spaces of time.

There are tens of thousands

of photographs taken here.

All taken very patiently.

Because decay can be very slow.

Nine months for the human body,

they say.

Why are zebras

always given for the last letter

of the alphabet?

Can you think of a better word?

What did they use for "Z"

before they knew zebras existed?

That was so long ago,

nobody needed an alphabet.

I think the letter "Z"

was invented especially for zebras.

What is your name?

Why?

Felipe Arc-en-Ciel.

If you've got any control over it,

I want to be buried here.

It's not consecrated ground.

Well, we could make it

consecrated ground.

I'll be cremated

and you can scatter my ashes here.

Snails don't like ashes.

They'll just have

to put up with them.

By the way, you still owe me a cripple.

Pardon?

I said you could only come here,

if you find me a cripple to cherish.

And I expect you to find him

before I deliver.

Are we likely

to find him for you?

- You intend to make him push us out?

- Push you out?

You are both zoologists.

I want you to be there when I deliver.

It might cure you

with your obsession with decay.

Keep looking.

- "P" is for...

- Penguin.

- "Q" is for...

- Quagga.

- "R" is for...

- Rhinoceros.

- "S" is for...

- Swan.

I'm told Vermeer's wife

never sat for him.

Vermeer's wife,

Catharina Bolnes, gave him 14 children.

My Catharina Bolnes is barren.

Your Catharina Bolnes...

She changed her name by a deed poll

because I asked her to.

Oh, dear, what an influence

you must have.

I understand that

you are now called Leda?

It is an affectionate joke

with no strings.

I'm glad.

You're glad?

Dear Alba,

I've been very close to you

on the operating table.

With just a little encouragement

from you I could be as close again.

Take your arm off!

Come on, Alba. What excitements

can a legless woman come by?

Enough to make

your attention superfluous.

Get off, Meegeren, you fake!

Your shoes are muddy.

I can always take my shoes off.

If that was calculated to be cruel,

you certainly don't know

how to make an appeal,

even on the poorest level!

Now leave and take Vermeer with you!

Your Catharina Bolnes

is waiting for you, barren or not!

I've got this new story for you

about the origin of the sphinx.

You know,

what walks on four legs in the morning,

two legs at midday

and three legs in the afternoon?

Do you think Alba would like it?

It's yours for 25.

- We want you to make us a suit.

- I know. Plenty of measuring inside leg?

God, Milo, you've got a one track mind.

That would mean you've got two,

one each.

We want you to make us a suit.

There are plenty of respectable tailors.

- A three-piece suit.

- Oh! Who's the third part for?

All three parts are for us, Milo.

But are you capable of handling

the inside arms?

All right.

I'll strike a bargain with you.

You get me a story published,

and I'll make the underwear

to go with the suit.

Zebras die here

with unfailing regularity.

Why is that?

It's about the only black and white

animal left in the zoo.

- What about the panda?

- It's stuffed.

- It isn't.

- It is, ask Plate.

He moves it about daily

on the bamboo shoots.

- How often did you see it move?

- It was always asleep.

It's permanently asleep.

Plate makes dung pellets

out of plasticine,

scatters them about the cage

each afternoon.

- He doesn't.

- He does.

The only trouble is

he gets the color wrong.

They're a different color every day.

But don't worry.

The kids know exactly what is going on.

- I bet if you ask Beta she'd tell you.

- What a fake!

How could they get away with it?

They can get away with this

all the time.

Haven't you noticed?

Catharina Bolnes

is never the same twice.

I can only recognise her

by that dreadful hat.

I'm not so certain whether Van Hoyten

is always the same person.

The clothes are the same.

You're always supposed to recognise him.

You can never fail to recognise a zebra.

Or an angel.

Hello!

I thought you said he had legs.

He's taken them off

to meet you on an equal footing.

Felipe Arc-en-Ciel!

Hello!

I'm a whore for freaks,

separated Siamese twins, a speciality!

I have been told, Madame,

of your enjoyments. I sympathise.

I, Madame, am an inordinate

admirer of horses.

Pregnant mares, especially.

I've always wished that

I could've served a white pregnant mare.

And have you tried?

In this present maimed company

I can admit to anything.

A white mare was my downfall, literally.

I was tossed and kicked,

but I still lust after riding her.

Her name was Hortensia.

I'm jealous already.

Doesn't a horse have four legs?

Then that, Madame,

is just enough for both of us.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes