A Zed & Two Noughts Page #7

And this, Milo, is for you,

for bringing us together.

Come on, Oliver, you've done enough.

Enough!

This tiger walks 10 miles

up and down this cage every day.

Do you really think it will walk

fewer miles with you inside him?

In a striped, flannel suit,

with a crease in your trousers?

Maybe I should take a few clothes off!

Make it easier!

You're supposed to let the animals out,

not go in there with them.

How can I let out the tiger?

They'd only shoot it.

Oliver, if you don't come out

we'll shoot it anyway.

There's not enough room

in this bloody cage for a strip-tease.

Enough room in there

for what you've got.

- Look, I think I'd better join you.

- Oswald, one fool in there is enough!

Stop him!

What on earth are they trying to prove?

The tiger was obviously making

a prophetic gesture.

I can't consider the possibilities

of joining you together,

but between us,

could we satisfy the experts?

You seem to have satisfied

the experts before.

Meaning?

By providing the zoo

with a one-legged gorilla.

Do you feel that the gorilla

was ill-used?

If you feel that my care is incomplete,

I must look at the animal again.

What for? To amputate its other leg?

If it's painful, cut it off.

Is that your answer?

Animals on the whole are designed

with a view of symmetry.

Surely in your experiments

you must have seen it.

One of decay's first characteristics

is to spoil that symmetry,

- wouldn't you say?

- You leave that animal alone, Meegeren!

- Dear me, what do you think I am?

- You're certainly not Vermeer.

Was it really necessary to amputate

a second time on Alba Bewick?

Yes, it was!

And if you doubt my abilities,

I wonder why you're here.

Why do you want it done?

Completeness.

Hmm.

I will do it for nothing,

though I understand that you're rich.

That's just not true!

But don't tell me.

How?

For a start,

let me be the father of her child.

- No!

- No!

I could help you, maybe even more.

I noticed, Oswald, that all your

experimental subjects have been female.

Do you envisage taking your photographic

experiment to completion?

See, Milo is a good friend of mine.

She weighs 126 pounds.

She's 5'6" in her stocking feet.

That's one inch shorter

than your wife, I believe.

Like your wife,

she's now 10 weeks pregnant.

The child is mine.

She may very well have an abortion.

I can perform it.

There could be complications,

and I can juggle the outcome.

You see how much I am prepared

to bargain for.

Stand together.

You see, it could be made to work.

I could stitch you together,

for a price.

Evolution as you know it,

Oswald,

undoubtedly, and for the moment,

ends with man.

- Some say a woman.

- And an apple.

How do you anticipate

completing you inquiries?

How much would you pay,

do you think, for a human corpse?

God, Hoyten,

I really believe you mean it.

Milo is about your wife's build,

and age and wit.

And she is pregnant with my child.

And what's so amusing?

That Venus de Milo is unusually fertile.

- Or rather careless.

- For someone without arms.

A little persuasion and I know that

Milo is ready to visit the zebras.

Now zebras are notoriously fickle,

very possessive of their mares.

Especially Grevy's zebra.

You know, the one with the soft eyes

and the sharp hooves,

- and the vicious kick.

- And the big prick!

You deceive yourself, Hoyten.

Just to thwart you're alone,

I'd make sure Milo never died.

Here's your 400 for one female zebra.

Killed no doubt, in a corner,

but for the same 400,

you must put in a tranquiliser gun.

Good Lord!

You're not thinking of doing

your own killing, are you?

I strongly advise against it.

Do you have

a flat piece of plastic?

No.

Do you have a sharpened pencil?

- No!

- No!

You are well equipped.

Why are you doing this for us?

Isn't it obvious?

Venus locks me into the hearts of men,

and monkeys.

What makes you two think you can

behave so cavalierly in this zoo?

We have saved this gorilla

from further mutilation.

By killing it?

Thanks to you, it was ailing.

Has been for the last three years.

Is that for you to decide?

This zoo is run

by incompetents and mountebanks.

I wonder why you've stayed here so long?

You needn't stay any longer.

You're fired!

On what excuse?

Maltreatment of animals, for one.

Misuse of zoo property, for another.

Unauthorised freeing of animals.

- We haven't finished.

- Finished what?

Some bogus experiment

that satisfies your obsessional grief?

What valuable conclusion can be gained

from all this rotting meat?

Nothing!

- How can you measure decay?

- By degrees of grief, perhaps.

Or by planning a zoo devoted

to black and white animals

because you're colour-blind.

And making sure there's no opposition

by killing off

all the black and white animals

that aren't yours.

Or by using a zoo for some exotic game

of barter and blackmail.

Or by maiming animals so that

they can be expensively patched up!

Good grief, Alba!

You kept that quiet.

How did you manage one each?

I thought I had failed.

After all they are not Siamese!

Careful!

- So where've you been?

- We were busy.

- How did you do it?

- I just sat on the eggs.

- What did you mean you were busy?

- What are you going to call them?

- Castor and Polydeuces?

- From the rape of the swan.

Too obvious.

- Gamma and Delta.

- Wrong sex.

Do Greek letters have a sex?

What's the excuse for the bruises?

It's not important.

- Did you know?

- You must've known.

No, I can safely say I didn't.

But I should have guessed.

And what's not important?

We've been fired.

Sacked, dismissed, turned out.

From the zoo?

What was the last straw?

Did you photograph a camel

with a broken back?

- How are you?

- Tired.

And my feet ache, so does my back.

- Sorry, we weren't here.

- So am I.

- Are you pleased?

- Of course.

Now give them back.

What are you going to do now?

Continue!

Where and with what?

We thought you wouldn't mind

us working at L'Escargot.

- What are you doing?

- Making a zoo.

- Can I look?

- Only if you pay.

The old story.

But with a brand new taxonomy, eh?

Only an innocent

would put a spider and a fly

in the same cage

because they were both brown.

Well, putting them together

will probably tell an innocent

more about spiders and flies,

than keeping them apart.

And you mustn't cheat.

- Cheat?

- Cheat?

I must mark the back of your hand

with ink to make sure you've paid.

Whatever for?

Now you look so alike, I can't tell

the difference between you anymore.

We have L'Escargot ready.

When will you be allowed to come?

I'm well enough, but I'm not coming.

- Why ever not?

- I'm ill.

- Van Meegeren says my spine is damaged.

- God, why listen to him?

- Haven't you had enough of him?

- I'm not coming.

I want to stay here, near the hospital.

Near the zoo.

But I'm well enough

to tell you something,

that I know you are not going to like.

I don't want you to be

the legal father of my children.

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