A Zed & Two Noughts Page #8

You what?

Van Meegeren has squeezed that

out of you.

We are the father!

You see?

Well, bad grammar

doesn't signify anything.

They went in, in two's,

and they came out in two's.

It stopped raining.

I found my Arc-en-Ciel.

I cannot have my children

having three parents.

What difference does that make?

Listen, you found Felipe for me.

You and Milo.

He's an ideal father.

Grief has made you unreliable.

On your own admission, you are jobless.

- I cannot risk your extreme behaviour.

- You risked it before.

It's too much responsibility for you.

And you will be prevented

from being together.

- Nonsense!

- Felipe will make a better father.

He's legless!

- Did that stop me being a mother?

- Motherhood is involuntary!

- We'll take legal action.

- Oswald, stop being petulant.

What would you gain?

I'm sure that unmarried male twins

don't make a good legal precedent.

Beta now can't even tell

which of you is which.

In the courtroom, I can't imagine

that you would win. And if you did,

you would know it was against my wishes.

Do you think Adam was a Siamese twin?

What happened to his brother?

Perhaps for some minds,

the most difficult step to comprehend

in the theory of natural selection,

is the enormous leap from the higher

apes to 20th century man.

All that way to bring me to this.

Now I want you to be here tonight,

and I mean it. No prior engagements.

Bring Beta's record

and you can watch me go.

Go? Where are you going?

- I've had enough.

- What do you mean?

My children are now spoken for,

aren't they?

Aren't they?

And I am exhausted.

The swan succeeded in the end.

I'm busy tonight,

so you can't go tonight.

Oh! What are you doing

that's so important?

- I'm grieving.

- Still?

Always.

- I'm now childless, as well as wifeless.

- You've forgotten jobless and homeless.

Let's strike a bargain.

Thanks for 30 seconds of your sympathy.

- No bargains!

- No record!

No record?

I'm not going to bargain

over a gramophone record.

- You can stay away.

- We'll come on one condition.

Don't tell me. I know.

You want my corpse.

Mon dieu,

my body for a gramophone record,

and a visit

from a pair of Siamese twins.

Haven't you had enough of my body?

- You're our last chance!

- And you were my first choice.

Well, thank you both.

And we need the use of the garden

of L'Escargot for nine months.

- A significant period.

- Or longer.

We feel we can ask this

because we've given up legal parenthood.

You've learned a thing or two

from that zoo, haven't you?

Even if it's only how to bargain.

All right.

In the interest of science...

Some science,

you can have it.

If you can get it.

But I know you won't get it

because now I have a family.

And you know what families are for.

With your permission in writing,

how can they stop us?

Oh, easily. They could write

the words "insanity" or "insanitary".

It has long been respectable to leave

your body to medical science.

What's scientific

about watching a body rot?

You always said you wanted to go

back to L'Escargot, so we'll take you.

And you'll lie quietly in the garden.

- With you watching?

- Only the camera will be watching.

What's the point of watching me?

My body's only half here.

Then you'll fit better

into the film frame.

A fine epitaph.

"Here lies a body

cut down to fit the picture."

...to share his intelligence.

And whatever the system he has used,

the ability to store

and pass on his knowledge,

is the key to his success.

"X" is for...

There aren't any animals

beginning with "X".

- "Y" is for...

- Yak.

It's a sort of ox.

- And "Z" is for...

- Zebra.

Good evening, Milo! It's a clear night.

It's not like you to speculate

on the weather.

Just the sort of night

you've been waiting for, perhaps.

Isn't it time you decided to do

what you've been wanting to do

ever since I've known you, Milo?

- Have you got a flat piece of plastic?

- Yes.

- A sharpened pencil?

- Yes.

- You are well equipped.

- Yes, I am.

Hold these.

Well, here we go.

- What's the time?

- 1:
00.

You won't be long.

I didn't mother 26 children

of the alphabet.

You made an encouraging last fling.

I am the last at L'Escargot.

From here on, it's yours,

along with my corpse.

Don't worry,

the papers are signed and sealed.

If you are the last

then we are already finished.

A zed and two noughts, what a zoo!

All right!

Don't do anything with my body

I wouldn't do.

Now I want to lie still and quiet.

Put on Beta's record.

# Dogs were born for howling

# Cats are always prowling

# Beasts are always growling

# Nature makes them do it

# All the jungle folk

have habits of their own

# A worm will turn

in quite the nicest way

Oh, God!

She's gone!

And what are the signs?

No pulse.

No eye movement.

No breathing.

No heartbeat.

The skin pales and becomes stiff.

Turn off that awful record!

Wait until it's finished!

# A horse, of course

Is such a noble beast

# It never shirks, but works and works

And doesn't mind the least

# It shocks an ox

To treat it like your pet

# The beasts that live can all forgive

But an elephant never forgets#

- Now what?

- We take her to L'Escargot.

In a coffin?

For decency's sake,

we take her in a coffin.

In a long or a short coffin?

I'm sure Alba would've been amused

by a short coffin.

At least it leaves no room

for artificial legs.

In a long or a short coffin?

I don't think that'll be

for us to decide.

The family have arrived.

I'm sure they'll want a long coffin.

Now, I see that you're upset

and you like animals.

So I give you this as a present.

And we'll not be taking Alba

to L'Escargot to film her decay?

# If you go down in the woods today

You're sure of a big surprise

# If you go down in the woods today

You'd better go in disguise

# For every bear that ever there was

Will gather there for certain because

# Today's the day the teddy bears

have their picnic

# Every teddy bear who's been good

is sure of a treat today

# There's lots of marvellous things

to eat and wonderful games to play

# Beneath the trees where nobody sees

# They'll hide and seek

as long as they please

# That's the way the teddy bears

have their picnic

# Picnic time for teddy bears

# The little teddy bears

are having a lovely time today

# Watch them, catch them unawares

# And see them picnic on their holiday

# See them gaily gad about

# They love to play and shout

They never have any cares

# At 6:
00 their mummies and daddies

# Will take them home to bed

'Cause they're tired little teddy bears

# If you go down in the woods today

You'd better not go alone

# It's lovely down in the woods today

But safer to stay at home

God! This floor is hard.

# Today's the day the teddy bears

have their picnic#

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