Abbott and Costello Go to Mars

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Orville!

After you finish flying

thejet ship for the children,

bring them back

to the orphanage.

Then cut the lawn and water the

plants. All right, Miss Pliny.

All right, gang.

Keep your eye on the jet plane.

Orville, do you know

how a jet works?

Of course! I know how a jet plane

works and rocket ships and spaceships.

How does

a spaceship work?

Sure. A spaceship?

A spaceship.

First, you've got to have

a lot of space. And then...

You want me to learn you

how to spin a top?

How does

a spaceship work?

Spaceship. All you do is

pull a string and away it goes!

Nonsense! Anyone who

has studied nuclear physics...

knows its engine operates

according to thermodynamic laws,

using a working fluid ofliquid

hydrogen as a propellant.

This is accelerated and

expelled by a nuclear reactor,

enriched largely by the use

of a fissible U-235 isotope,

giving the necessary thrust

to the interplanetary mission.

Do we make

ourselves clear?

Sure. Just like I said, pull a string

and away it goes. Like that.

Now,

that's right around the corner...

Cheese it! The cop!

Oh, it's that

Orville again!

A spaceship!

Hey.

How'd you get here?

I sneaked

into your truck.

What are you doing? I'm drawing pictures

of the spaceship, so I can show the gang.

The gang? A spy, huh?

What's your name? Orville.

Orville. Where're you from? The Hideaway.

The Hideaway! That does it! I'm

taking you to see Dr. Wilson. Come on!

May I see your

identification, please?

I am Dr. Orvilla.

I want to see Dr. Wilson.

Just a moment.

Dr. Wilson's office.

Miss Howe speaking.

Send him in, please.

Come in.

Beautiful, isn't it? I think

frightening's a better word.

Don't tell me you wouldn't like

to spend your honeymoon on Mars?

I'll settle for Niagara Falls.

Dr. Orvilla's on his way in.

I'm anxious to get the meeting

started. How about the newspapers?

They're still insistent on a press

release. Tell them we're not ready yet.

Will you stop

pushing me?

Push me once more,

I'm gonna haul off and...

Have you had enough? Come on!

Whoo! Whoo!

Where's the Doc? In the conference room.

Call him up. Tell him I caught a

spy. His name's Orville. Orville?

You mean Dr. Orvilla.

He isn't a spy.

Dr. Wilson's been waiting for you. For me?

He didn't want to start

the meeting without you, Doctor.

I'm, I'm no doctor.

I know.

You're listed in Who's Who

as a professor of aeronautical science.

Lester, tell Dr. Wilson

Dr. Orvilla's here.

All right, but someone's

making a terrible mistake.

Professor of

aeronautical science.

What makes a balloon go up? Hot air?

What's keeping you down? Ha-ha.

Hey, who are you?

I am Dr. Orvilla.

Oh, that's all right.

Uh, wait a minute!

For your information, I just left

Dr. Orville in Dr. Wilson's office.

For your information, Dr.

Orvilla standing right-a here!

Wait. I just left Dr. Orville.

He's short, fat and dumb.

I am Dr. Orvilla. The only

people is-a dumb is-a you.

We'll let Dr. Wilson decide

that. Come on. I walk-a by myself.

Dr. Wilson

will be right in.

Eek!

There you are.

There's Dr. Orvilla! How dare you

tell-a the people you're Dr. Orvilla!

I didn't tell them.

They told me.

You told a big lie. I didn't

tell a lie. They told a lie.

I'm Orville.

See, Orville.

He don't even know

how to say the name.

The name is Orvilla. No, Orville!

Ma questo e'propio pazzo. You

mind hold-a this, please? No, sir.

The name is Orvilla.

I don't go for that kind

of stuff. Now cut it out.

My name is Orville. Che

ti possono mangiare.!

I'm-a gonna give you

a maccharone.!

Ooh.

The name is Orvilla!

You hold that. Cut it out

slapping me in the face.

My name is Orville. You

make-a me lose-a my temper!

The name is Orvilla!

Hold that. Now I'm gettin'

sick and tired of that stuff.

Let Dr. Wilson decide.

And the one who isn't Dr. Orvilla is

gonna go to jail for a long, long time.

I'm Orvilla. How can he be Orvilla?

He don't even-a speak-a like me.

I think I even-a speak-a

better-a than-a you.

No mock-a me.

Who's-a mockin' you?

Eeep!

Eee! Here, here, here, here!

None of that! None of that!

Dr. Orvilla! I don't know how

this happened, but I want to apologize.

Don't-cha mention it.

That's all right.

Take-a this impostor,

this impostor fazzule.!

Take him to jail.

Oh, no she don't.

Anyone she's-a gonna go to a-jail,

gonna be you. Don't-cha mock-a me.

I don't think we should put him

in jail. He hasn't done any harm.

He saw the spaceship. Oh, that's too bad.

Now that it's completed, I'd hate to have

the news leak out. I won't tell anyone.

We'd better keep you with us at least for

the time being. Lester'll take care of you.

I'll take care of him,

Doc. This way, Dr. Orvilla.

You little foreigner, you!

Oh, no, you don't!

Uh-oh.

Here I go again!

Good morning, gentlemen. Morning.

You all know Dr. Orvilla.

How do you do, Doctor.

Won't you

be seated, please.

I appreciate the fact that some of you

have traveled a great distance to be here.

And I'm very happy to say that

after years of research and effort,

our project has finally reached

a state of completion.

The spaceship

is ready to fly?

As Dr. Wilson-a say,

if it wasn't for the matter,

we'd put a few supplies on a-board,

she could-a be launch-a today.

The problems that confront us are choice

of destination and the selection of a crew.

Since all of us are eminently

qualified to be observers,

I suggest a crew be selected

by drawing lots.

Gentlemen, the moon is the closest

of all astronomical bodies.

But due to its proximity,

there's a wealth of detail visible

through powerful telescopes.

Within our fuel range are

the planets Venus and Mars.

One of these should be

our destination.

Each of you have before you

a sheet of paper...

on which you will write

the choice of your destination,

and a brief explanation of why

you've chosen this particular planet.

Orville, help me

unload the truck.

Okay!

Why did you take a box from up

there? Well, this here one was closer.

Give me a hand!

Yes, sir.

No!

Get on board!

Get on board!

All right! I'll hand you this box.

Go on,

get up there.

Here you are. Get ahold of it.

If there's anything else I want

you to do, I'll do it myself!

What happened

at the meeting?

We selected our crew. I suppose

you're among the lucky ones.

I built the ship, Janie.

And you wouldn't ask anyone to do

anything you wouldn't do yourself.

Where do we go

from here?

Mars.

When are you going?

As soon as we get

all our supplies aboard.

What are they,

football uniforms?

Certainly not.

They're space suits.

Hey, Les, don't I look

like a piece of bubble gum?

Put that back. The doctor and

his crew are gonna need those...

when they get up where

there's no oxygen.

Put it up there.

Didn't I tell you not to wear

those helmets? Now, take it off!

Soon as my back is turned,

you put 'em on.

Now, you're a fine friend.

You won't let me put it

on, but you put it on. Aah!

Stow away those boots!

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