Abbott and Costello Meet the Invisible Man Page #4

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The quicker you meet Morgan,

the quicker we'll get action...

and I crave action.!

Who is it? Detective Roberts.

You craved action, you're

gonna get it. Get out of here!

Just a minute,

Detective Roberts.

You stand there.

He won't be able to see you.

On your knees.

On your knees!

Atta boy.

What can we do for you?

Nothing, nothing at all.

I just wanted to check up

on what you've seen today.

Are you still seeing men

disappear into thin air?

Or is it flying saucer day?

This guy needs a pie-chiatrist.

What I need is information,

and I want it quick!

I trailed

Nelson's girl here.

I know she didn't come to

see you. Where's Nelson?

You can believe me.

I have not seen him since last

night. That goes for me, too.

You haven't seen him,

huh?

Okay, Nelson,

get your hands up!

What...

What's this?

My laundry. I'm sending

it out. Your laundry!

Don't forget to say hello to

that nice man with the watch.

A-tick-a-tock.

Tommy... Tommy!

The glass

belongs here.

Tommy, it's not polite to make

noise when you eat. But I'm starved!

I'll have the lamb chop luncheon. Yes, sir.

I know what I want. Spaghetti. And a steak.

What do

you want?

Spaghetti.

And a steak.

You said you knew

what you wanted.

Do you want

spaghetti or steak?

I'll have a spaghetti...

and a steak. Yes, sir.

I used to be a juggler.

Many, many times...

You care for

anything else, sir?

Yeah, yes. You can get me

that swell-lookin' dish.

Waiter,

bring two dishes.

I want

to go halffies.

That's Boots Marsden. I had

a hunch she was with Morgan.

But he doesn't even

look like a fighter.

He's fat and short. So, he won't have

so far to fall when he takes a dive.

Start workin', baby.

Hey, she's

coming this way.

I must have

caught her eye.

May I join you? Sure, sure.

Sit here,

Miss Marsden.

Move over.

Move over.

I hope you don't get

the wrong impression of me...

but I have two good reasons

for wanting to meet you.

The first one is,

when I read what...

Louie the Looper

did to Rocky Hanlon...

I said to myself,

"There's a man!"

That's the first time

anybody ever said that about me.

And the

second reason?

I'm a woman. That's even

better than the first one.

- How about a little drink?

- No, thank you.

Not here.

I like privacy.

There's nothing like wearing

something comfortable...

and turning

the lights down low...

and having a nice cool drink

with a nice warm person.

Yeah, but my place at the

Carlton Towers is overcrowded.

The Carlton Towers?

Now, isn't that...

a coincidence

or fate or something?

I live at the Towers, too.

Hey, I live there, too.

I hope you

like your room.

I'll be home

all evening.

Boots, Boots, Boots.

Ah, shut up.

You sound like Gunga Din.

Morgan's made his first move.

Tonight he'll make his second.

Or I should say, she will.

Boots, spaghetti.

What a combination.

What are you

stuffing in your mouth?

No.

Bud.

What's the matter?

I don't want to do this. Now, listen.

All we're trying to do is

prove that Tommy was framed.

You see this recording machine.

All you have to do is start it.

Then we'll get

a record of what she says.

And then you'll get

a record of what I say.

No, come here. All you

have to do is lead her on.

Come in.

- Good evening.

- Good night.

What did you say

good night for?

I think she's getting

ready to go to bed. So!

Come in, Louie.

Aw...

You shouldn't

have done that.

I know, I'm just

a little squirt.

Flowers? For me? Yes, ma'am.

How thoughtful. Put them

over there on the table.

Mm-mm.

I just love flowers.

They're like true friends.

They see so much and

hear so much...

and yet they never talk.

It sure would surprise people,

if they did.

Don't move.

Stand where you are.

I'm caught.

I didn't mean anything.

Don't talk.

That light on your profile...

it shows your iron will,

your rugged individuality...

your indomitable courage.

Oh, darling.

I always want to see you...

the way you are now.

It's your looks

I'm worried about.

Oh, not that you

can't beat Rocky...

but one lucky punch from him

could ruin that profile.

And then I'd

lose all interest.

You mean, you wouldn't

like me if I wasn't pretty.

Of course, I mean it.

When it's so unnecessary.

There's more money to be made

losing a fight than winning one.

All you have to do is

agree to get knocked out.

You can even name the round.

First round?

Mm-mm.

Second round?

Mm-mm.

Third round?

How many

rounds can you last?

Suppose you agree to

three rounds.

Then some nice friend will

deposit a lot of money for you.

How am I gonna know the nice man

that's gonna put the money in.

Maybe I can

arrange a meeting.

I'll phone, but remember...

all of this is off the record.

Louie.!

Everything's set.

We're to go to the Bubble Room.

Oh, Louie.

You won't regret this.

Oh, Boots.

Let's fight another round.

What was that noise? That's off the record.

Tommy, please listen.

He must be made to realize the

danger of his mental condition.

Tommy, the doctor is afraid.

Afraid?

Afraid of what?

That he'll never find

the reagent?

That I'll never

be visible again?

Well, tell

him not to worry.

I feel I feel

much better this way.

No one can touch me,

not even the cops.

That makes me a nemesis.

It makes me a dictator.

Tommy, please, Tommy.

Take it easy.

Hello, he's all right, Helen.

I'll take care of him.

He's just a little drunkey.

Sure, sure, I'm drunk.

Drunk with the power

of invisibility.

I am the ruler of

an invisible empire.

My loyal subjects I will reward.

My enemies I will destroy.

To be or not to be.

Alas, poor Yorick.

A horse, a horse,

my kingdom for a horse.

Put that down.

Pour us a drink.

You heard me.

Pour a drink.

Look, what's

the matter with this one?

That one?

Yes, that one.

I'm a two-fisted drinker.

Put it in there.

Well, well, Boots Marsden

and Louie the Looper.

Let's have a picture, huh?

Help yourselves. Take a couple.

Champ, how about a picture

of you drinking champagne...

out ofher slipper?

Why not?

We'll call the picture,

uh, "Puss in the Boots. "

Oh, Louie,

what a sense of humor.

Yeah.

Ready, folks?

Thanks.

Ohhh!

Trying to be smart?

Don't fool with a buzz saw.

This is Louie the Looper.

Oh, okay, Louie.

I'm sorry I spilled the champagne

on you. Oh, that's nothing.

Thank you. Compared to the blood

that Rocky's gonna spill over you.

If you wasn't here,

I'd sock him.

That's all right. I'm

leaving now. I'll go with you.

You stay here. I just made

contact with the money man.

Bud, I done everything you told

me to do. Well, that's swell.

Get off of me.

I'm sorry, Tommy.

Did you get the record? I did. And

very fast, too. I broke a record.

When I hired you I thought

I was getting good detectives.

We may not be

good detectives...

but we're very,

very good friends.

Friends!

Excuse me.

Did it ever occur to you that

friendship is, at its best...

a rather doubtful asset?

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