Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Kops

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Poor girl.

You leave her alone or I'll

punch you right in the nose.

Sit down!

Any time you make

a date with me, keep it.

By the way, did you put your

aunt's $5,000 in the bank?

Money?

Yeah.

Tickets, please.

Tickets.

How many?

One.

You're cute.

You're silly.

So is your old man.

Willie, do you realize that

a person that puts money...

in this moving picture business

is gonna make a fortune?

Give me that money.

Now...

I got to put that in the bank

like my aunt told me to do.

Willie, listen to this. See it right

here? "Do you want to become rich?

"If so, invest in this new

entertainment medium, Motion Pictures.

"$5,000 cash buys

a fully equipped studio. "

Willie, opportunity

is knocking at your door!

Tell him I'm not home.

I went to the bank.

Wait a minute, Willie.

Have you no foresight?

I can see it up in lights now.

Piper's Phenomenal Pictures,

Willie Piper, President.

Harry Pierce, General Manager.

That's what will happen

if you give me the $5,000.

If I give you the $5,000, I'll

be Willie Piper the pauper.

Look, we're only borrowing the money.

We'll pay your aunt back in no time.

There's a fortune made

in these comedy pictures.

Comedies?

Yes.

Harry, I don't like comedies,

I like those dramatic pictures.

Where the little girl says to her papa,

"Papa, please, Papa, don't beat me...

"I beg of you, Papa,

don't beat me, Papa.

"I'll get the money for you,

Papa. Don't beat me, Papa. "

You should be ashamed of yourself,

beating up your son like that.

If I ever catch

you beating that boy again...

I'll report you

to the juvenile authorities.

Did you get hurt? What's the

idea of having me beat up?

I didn't mean to have you beat

up. Here, you can take the money.

I'll take the money

after I have you beat up.

Oh, don't. Now don't

strike your poor old father.

Don't strike

your poor old dad.

I'm your father, Son. Don't

hit me. Please don't hit me.

Harry. Here, listen.

Here, you can take the money,

but don't have me beat up.

Please, don't have me beat up.

Don't beat me up.

What did I just tell you?

You did it again.

I'm sorry, Harry.

Here, you can take my aunt's

money and buy the studio.

Thanks.

Could I have a receipt?

With pleasure.

Now if you'll sign right here, Mr. Piper,

this will complete the transaction...

and you'll become the proud owner

of the best studio in the country.

Mr. Gorman, if this is such a good

studio, why do you want to sell it?

Mr. Piper, that question shows

what a shrewd businessman you are.

The fact of the matter is,

I happen to own two studios...

this one in West Orange, New

Jersey and one in Brooklyn.

The long trip

is just too much for me.

So I'm selling you the studio

in West Orange.

Harry, don't you think we

ought to see this studio first?

Now, Mr. Gorman

is a very busy man.

Mr. Piper is perfectly right,

he should see it.

And busy though I am,

I'm going to show it to him.

Here's a picture of it.

Say, what's this sign,

"Edison"?

That's my middle name,

Joseph Edison Gorman.

Now, will you please

sign here?

Mr. Piper, Mr. Pierce, I want you

to meet one of my leading ladies...

Miss Van Cleef.

How do you do?

How do you do?

How do you do?

Darling, I don't

want you to get too upset.

I've just sold the West

Orange studio to Mr. Piper.

Thank heavens. I hated that

trip. The ferry made me seasick.

Well, best of luck, gentlemen, and if there's

anything I can do to help, just let me know.

Lots of success to you.

I withdrew all the money from the

bank. Let's make our getaway...

before those suckers scream

to the Bunko Squad.

They won't bother us. I've

got a new deal figured out.

Always a new deal, a new bunch of

suckers and then on the run again.

I can't take it any longer,

Joe.

No more running.

We're going legitimate.

The cops will be glad to hear that, after

they put you away for a long stretch.

The cops will be looking for

Joe Gorman who no longer exists.

Instead,

he will be the famous

European director...

Sergei Toumanoff.

How you gonna do this, with mirrors? No.

Nose job, a moustache, a marcel

toupee, that'll do the business.

Well, what about

the directing?

The only directing you've ever done

was to steer some sucker to his bank.

Look, Leota, in Hollywood it isn't what

you are, it's what they think you are.

We'll arrive there with such

a fanfare of publicity...

that every Hollywood bigwig

will roll out the red carpet.

The way you say it,

it sounds wonderful, Joe.

Not my finger.

Hit the head.

Two more suckers.

Hey, just a minute, mister.

I know. You bought the studio

from a man named Gorman.

You're right.

How did you know?

Follow me, sir.

Look at these.

"Cushman Studio. "

"Grant Productions. "

"Struthers Kinema Company. "

"Brent Studios. "

I don't get it.

Willie bought this studio.

I have the bill of sale

right here in my pocket.

They all had a bill of sale.

This plant belongs

to Mr. Thomas A. Edison.

This is the first motion

picture studio ever built.

It dates back to 1893.

It isn't used anymore.

No, but Gorman

used it to swindle Willie.

Now just a minute.

How am I gonna get my $5,000

back to give to my aunt?

You better report it to the Bunko

Squad. Good day and I wish you luck.

Thank you, sir.

What am I gonna tell my aunt?

Tell her anything. It's my own fault

for letting you talk me into this thing.

Come on, we'll try

and get your money.

What are you gonna

do with that sign?

Put it here

with the other ones.

When we get to California, how do

you know Gorman's gonna be there?

We'll wait for him. You

heard what the detective said.

They traced them all the way to the

train that was heading for the coast.

And then

they lost track of them.

I wish I'd lost him

before he found me.

Why didn't you tell me

the train was coming?

Where did you think that whistle

was coming from? A peanut stand?

I was trying to scare

you a little bit. Yeah.

Come on, if we're gonna

get Gorman, let's get going.

Harry, my foot is stuck.

Will you help me?

What's the matter?

Foot is stuck.

Let me see.

Don't get excited,

I'll throw the switch.

Hurry up, will you?

Throw the switch.

Throw the switch.

You made it tighter.

Harry, get up.

Harry, don't play like that now,

pull the switch will you, Harry?

Harry.

Willie. Willie.

Willie, tell me where it hurts.

Where does it hurt, Willie?

I'll get you to California if I

have to carry you all the way myself.

Going my way, fellows?

We sure are.

Why, you dirty double-crosser.

No, you don't.

No thanks, pop. We're in a

hurry. We're going to California.

So am I. Sure would enjoy

company on this trip.

Yeah, but we're in a hurry.

Thanks a lot.

Well, so long.

Come on. Let's go with the

poor old man to California.

We can get there

faster by walking.

Walking?

Certainly.

No, you don't.

Pick up those bags.

Pick up those bags.

Pick them up.

Didn't know we were

scheduled to stop here.

Next stop's supposed

to be Los Angeles.

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