Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Kops Page #2

---

Come.

Mr. Toumanoff?

Yes. We're Los Angeles

Police, come with us.

Well, I do not understand.

You will. Come on.

You're holding up the train.

You must give me time to change.

You will wait outside, please.

We didn't get very far,

did we, Sergei?

Twenty-three skidoo.

Would you mind telling me

why I am under arrest?

My dear Mr. Toumanoff,

you are not under arrest.

I am Rudolph Snavely, President

of Amalgamated Pictures.

And I took this means of

outwitting my competitors...

in order to sign you to your

first Hollywood contract.

But the police?

They are your escorts

to the City of the Cinema.

I going to like it here.

Come, my dear.

Hey, Willie.

Now it's your turn to ride.

No, not me, the train.

Come on.

Close that other door.

We don't want no railroad

detective to catch us in here.

Harry, we're in Los Angeles

already. Boy, we sure made good time.

Well, California,

here we are.

Pick up those bags. We got

to get back on the train.

Pick them up. Come on.

Be careful, boy.

Throw me the bag.

Willie.

Harry!

All right, I'm coming!

Willie.

Harry!

Hold on.

Hey, you hoboes. Where

do you think you're going?

Get off

before I throw you off.

Come on, Willie,

take it easy, boy.

What are you doing?

Come on, we can hide in here.

Jump.

What're you doing?

Stay down there!

Hey, you,

don't try to get away.

Here I come.

Hey, Willie, where are you?

Between the porterhouse

and the short ribs.

All right, you fellows, I know

you're in here. Come on, speak up!

Where do you fellows think

you're going? California.

Well, I hate

to disappoint you. Come on.

Wait a minute. You're not

gonna throw us off, are you?

Of course not.

Oh, pardon us, gentlemen, for

dropping in on your lunchtime.

Boy, that smells good.

That's more than

we can say for you.

Boy, do they need deodorizing.

Hey, they forgot the bread.

Wait a minute. Think of me once

in a while. I'm hungry, too.

Come here.

What's the matter?

Sit down and relax.

What's the matter?

Something happen?

I want to trade bread with you. Here.

How come you give me the biggest piece?

My mother told me to always give

my friends the biggest piece.

It's not like you.

Yes.

No.

Good, though.

Taste any meat?

I don't expect to taste meat

in a loaf of bread.

Try the other end.

Both ends are alike.

Try that one over there.

What're you gonna do? I'm

gonna look for that squirrel.

What's the matter?

What happened?

Hey, can I use your gun?

No.

I win. Excuse me.

Hey, get

a load of these dice.

One has all sixes and the

other one has all fives.

Those tramps. I think they're crooked.

I don't think they were branged up right.

Whoa.

Well, what happened

to you fellows?

Well, some tramps, they stole our

money and took away our clothes from us.

Well, hop in,

I'll get you to California.

No, thanks, we're still in a hurry.

But you could loan us some money.

Well, I can only spare $20.

I'll see that you get it back.

You keep quiet.

I'll give you an IOU for it.

All righty.

Just make the IOU out

right on that piece of paper.

Well. "I owe you $30."

But, I only gave you $20.

Well, $10 is for interest.

Here you are. Sign it.

It sure is nice to do business

with fellows like you.

So, good...

Good bye?

So long.

Don't try to figure it out.

I wonder how far $20

will take us on that train.

Hold it. No tramps allowed on here.

Beat it. Wait a minute. We're not tramps.

We got money. We want to pay our

way. How far will $20 take us?

This is no passenger train. I can't

collect fares, so it's no dice.

Say, there's nothing in

your regulations that says...

we can't gamble to see whether

we ride or not, is there?

Do you know how to shoot dice? No.

Do you know how to shoot dice?

Not with his dice. They've only got

two numbers on them. Sixes and fives.

We'll play with my dice.

And when you lose the $20,

I'm throwing you off the train.

And you do the shooting.

Come on.

Now, wise guy,

this $20 will get us no place.

Wait a minute.

Let me see those dice.

How am I gonna explain this to my wife?

Same way I'm gonna explain it to mine.

The old man

made it as fast as we did.

Let's give him the $20

we took from him. Come on.

We can't catch up to him.

I'll mail him the money.

Wait a minute. Where are you going?

I'm gonna give the old man the money.

Come back here.

Wait a minute, old man.

We've got your money.

Boy, the old man sure will

be surprised to see us.

Yeah. Will he be surprised

to get his money back.

Yeah. Hey, mister.

What happened to the old man?

Those dirty crooks, they

must have stolen the wagon.

Indians!

More action! More action!

More action!

More action.

How can a thing like this happen? Maybe

Custer hasn't finished his last stand.

If they catch us, will

they scalp us? I don't know.

More action!

Saved in the nick of time.

No driver.

Get in the driver's seat.

Grab the reins.

Get in there. Hurry up.

Get out of there!

Get out of there!

Cut!

Cut!

Cut!

We lost them.

That was a narrow escape.

You can stop the horses now.

The greatest Indian fight ever to be

filmed ruined by a couple of idiots.

Who are they?

What are they doing here?

Somebody answer me.

Shut up until I finish!

How's this?

What's the matter, Sergei? My

beautiful picture is ruined.

Killed

just as it was being born...

by those...

They are the ones! They!

The driver's wonderful. Look at him

drive. Get that camera on that action.

Snavely, I am the director.

I will tell the cameraman

what to do. Cut.

Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.

I am the producer.

Keep that camera turning.

Yes, Mr. Snavely.

But it will ruin

my beautiful picture. My epic.

Keep that camera

on that action.

They'll never make it.

It's suicide!

Cut.

That is the greatest stunt

I have ever seen.

I knew you would like it,

Snavely.

But I wanted to surprise you when

you saw it in the projection room.

Toumanoff, that stunt has

never been in motion pictures.

We'll build a whole story

around it.

You are a genius.

Come on, I want to talk

to that little stuntman.

Good.

Hey, you know, a guy could get

killed in one of these things.

No kidding.

More Indians.

We surrender. Will you tell your

brothers not to fight with us anymore?

My brothers?

Yeah.

Tell them not to shoot

any more arrows.

Didn't I, sort of, meet

you someplace before?

I've never been there.

Weren't you with...

No. I was alone.

Are you sure that you...

I haven't been there, either.

Hello, my dear.

How.

How?

I don't know.

Well done, my boy.

Congratulations. Mister...

This is Mr. Piper. Willie

Piper. I'm Harry Pierce.

We'd better get out of here. The

Indians have got us surrounded.

Mr. Piper, you can't tell me you're

afraid of motion picture Indians.

They're

motion picture Indians?

No. He's not afraid. I would

say that he fears nothing.

That stunt you just did was the most

hair-raising thing I have ever seen.

You are a daredevil.

Amalgamated Pictures

could use a man like you.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes