Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Kops Page #3

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You mean working in a studio?

Working in a studio?

We could get a line on that

Gorman, that dirty swindler.

We could get the cops

to get after him. Right.

Hey, in this studio,

what would I be, the janitor?

Mr. Piper.

You have an excellent

sense of humor.

Mr. Snavely wishes

to engage you as a stuntman.

Stuntman?

Yes.

And if he will allow me to

direct you, I, Sergei Toumanoff...

will take very good

care of you.

It's a deal. From now on, you

will double for all of our stars.

Just how long will this job last?

Until something happens to you.

Come on, Mr. Piper.

You, Mr. Pierce, I'll ride you back to

my office and we'll sign the contract.

No.

Mr. Piper...

you maybe rest assured that I

will do everything in my power...

to locate this scoundrel

Gorman for you...

and get

your aunt's money back.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Snavely. Thanks

a million, Mr. Snavely. Come on.

Pardon us, Mr. Snavely.

Well, you gentlemen

are coming up in the world.

Is Mr. Snavely going to star

you? No. He's going to help us.

He's going to help us find

that crook named Gorman.

Well, I must tell

Mr. Toumanoff about this.

I'm sure he'll be happy to do

something about your finding Mr. Gorman.

Say, didn't I...

No.

I still think I know

that girl from someplace.

Look. What else can you offer me

for this job besides the money?

I will make

you my right-hand man.

Piper will double for you

in the airplane scenes.

He's going to double for me?

What are you trying to do?

Kill him or my career?

After I make him jump

from the plane today...

neither of us will worry about

our careers.

Well, of all the nerve.

I thought you were a girl.

I was supposed to be a

stuntman. Now, I'm a girl.

Listen, what is the difference?

That's too big a stunt for me.

We both want to find Gorman,

don't we?

Now, you're doubling for that

actress today. Keep your eyes open.

You know, there's something about

that girl that I seem to remember.

What do you mean?

It's a woman's intuition.

All you women are alike.

Piper.

Where is Piper?

You've got on the wrong

clothes. You can say that again.

Go change into your flying outfit.

Mr. Toumanoff is waiting. Hurry up.

Tut-tut, my good man, that's

no way to talk to a lady.

Excuse me. Are you a director?

Yes.

Could you tell me your name?

Mack Sennett.

It's Mack Sennett.

That's not Mack Sennett.

Are you sure

you're Mack Sennett?

Sweetheart.

That's Mack Sennett.

Stop the music.

What's the matter, boss? I just

had a fight with my conscience.

And?

I won.

When we arrive at the

rendezvous, Mr. Jason...

you will attack

the heroine's plane.

As you dive in on her, you will

fire one burst of ammunition...

in an endeavor

to shoot her down.

You will keep firing,

until she bails out.

That is the end of the scene. Is

that clear? Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.

Is everything fixed, Hinds?

Don't worry, Chief. I've weakened

every strut in Piper's ship.

And if that don't

do the trick,

I put live ammunition

in Jason's guns.

Hinds, if I was not the

genius, I would say you were.

Stop.

Are you ready, Piper?

Yes, sir.

The only thing I want to

tell you, Mr. Toumanoff...

every time I take one foot

off the ground, I get dizzy.

Mr. Piper, I personally have taken

every precaution for your safety.

Now, today you are doubling

our heroine...

who is flying to Washington for

a peace treaty with the Indians.

But, Mr. Toumanoff, there were no

airplanes when we were fighting the Indians.

Can I help it if I'm ahead

of my time? Do not interrupt.

I'm sorry.

You are flying toward the setting

sun... But, Mr. Toumanoff...

if Washington is in the east

and the sun sets in the west...

In my pictures,

the sun sets...

where I want it to set.

Excuse me.

You continue like a bird,

flying toward the setting sun.

Suddenly, you hear the roar

of a motor. You turn.

You see the renegade in his plane,

diving at you with blazing guns.

You're about to be shot down.

You are trapped. Helpless.

What are you going to do?

Tell him.

I'm going to quit.

Wait a minute.

Nonsense.

You parachute to safety.

Hinds, put the parachute

on Mr. Piper.

No, you don't. I'm taking no

chances. I'll put it on him.

Climb into the plane, Mr. Piper.

The pilot will be right here.

What about the pilot? He'll

never get into the plane.

And Piper? I've taken

care of the control stick.

The plane will go up

but Humpty Dumpty will fall.

Good.

I'll take care of the blocks.

Music.

Ready?

All ready, Mr. Toumanoff.

Fast music.

Camera.

Action.

What happened? They don't

know how to fly a plane.

They don't? Mr. Toumanoff

ain't going to like this.

I didn't know you could drive a plane.

I can't but you're doing a good job.

Who's driving?

Mr. Snavely,

my plane took off without me.

Good. Good gracious. Piper

will be killed. Killed?

I hope Toumanoff

gets it on film.

I didn't mean that,

of course, I...

Well, how can we stop them?

Piper, get out of the way.

You get out of the way!

Hey, Willie. Listen...

Willie!

What are you doing out there?

Give me your hand.

Bring it here.

Willie.

No! No!

What are you laughing at?

This is very funny, Mr. Toumanoff.

This is not supposed to be funny.

Now, Mr...

Now, Mr. Jason.

Now. Dive.

Hey. They're shooting

real bullets.

Some fool put live

ammunition in here. Pull up.

Give me that parachute.

No.

Mr. Toumanoff said

I should wear the parachute.

Don't be so selfish.

I'll use the parachute first. When we

hit the ground, then you can have it.

You'll be there before I will.

All right, then, I'll wait for you.

Watch out for the first step. It's a

high one. Never mind the first step.

This is sensational. That is an

understatement, Mr. Toumanoff.

Don't miss a second of it. I am a genius.

Let go of my pants, will you?

What will I hang on to?

You don't

have to hold on to my pants.

Let go of my pants.

Toumanoff!

Hold on, Piper. Hold on.

What's the matter?

Did you change your mind?

No, but I want more footage.

Follow them. Don't lose them.

Toumanoff!

Now look what you did.

Toumanoff!

Let go.

Keep grinding.

Keep grinding.

Let go of my shoe.

Let go of my shoe.

Cut.

Sensational, Mr. Toumanoff.

You are a genius.

How do you rescue them?

Yeah. How do you rescue him?

He comes up in a submarine.

I'll kill him. I'll kill him

if it kills me to kill him.

Ship ahoy! Toumanoff!

Are your rushes ready?

The cutter is just having the

operator put it on the machine.

Fine.

What do you suppose

is bothering him?

You don't think

he smells a rat.

Now, Joe.

Don't belittle yourself.

Don't get smart. Anything happens

to me, I bring you into it.

All right, Harvey. Run them.

Yes, Mr. Toumanoff.

What good is that stuff?

Anyone can tell it's the double.

It doesn't look anything

at all like Leota.

Why didn't you shoot

the back of Piper's head?

I tried to.

He turned his head.

How did Pierce

get into the plane?

He must have been a stowaway.

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