Abbott and Costello Meet the Keystone Kops Page #4

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Don't worry. I take care

of that in the cutting.

I use only the longer shots.

Turn on the lights.

Harvey, was that you laughing?

I'm sorry, sir.

I couldn't help myself.

It's very funny. It is

not supposed to be funny.

You know, I think it is.

Who is in here?

Just yourself, Leota,

Mr. Snavely, Harry, and Harry.

Get out!

Get out!

Get out!

Sergei, if I were you...

I wouldn't speak that way to

Amalgamated's newest comedy team.

Piper and Pierce

a comedy team?

That's right. And you

will be their director. I?

I will have nothing to do with

comedy. I am a dramatic director.

Let's talk this over,

Mr. Gorman.

There is absolute...

Gorman?

A short while ago, Piper

came to me with a story...

of how he was swindled

by a con man named Gorman.

What has this to do with me?

I am Sergei Toumanoff.

There's no use denying it.

Without the mustache,

without the toupee,

without the accent,

you are Gorman.

I had the New York police

check your fingerprints...

and I have all of the evidence

in my safe.

This is preposterous!

Oh, drop the act, Joe.

Where do we go from here?

I have arranged that those

people you swindled...

shall be repaid

out of your salary.

And I have also arranged

that by your doing this...

no one will press any charges.

Because I believe that you

are a great comedy director.

And I can keep

the identity of Toumanoff?

And you can keep your accent,

and I will keep your money.

Of course, if you do not

wish to direct comedy...

I love it!

Then get writers

and start preparing a script.

But be sure that neither

of these boys does any stunts.

Mr. Snavely, I promise you, even

their doubles will have doubles.

All right, but remember, I'm holding

you responsible for their safety.

Yes, Mr. Snavely.

Come, my dear.

Harvey, run that film again,

please.

Everything's all set.

A torpedo friend of mine is

going to run over them with a car.

No.

That will ruin me.

They are my bread and butter.

If you kill them, you kill me.

But you wanted them killed...

so when they walk out of the

studio, a car's gonna hit them.

Now I have to save them

to save myself.

Imbecile!

How could you be so stupid as

to drop your dollar down there?

It could have been worse.

How could it be worse?

You could've dropped

your dollar down there.

He did it!

Please, don't die. Please.

Stop a car.

Somebody call an ambulance.

I'll call an ambulance.

He fainted.

Better give him some air.

Okay.

Fan him.

What's the matter?

He's got a bald head,

just like Gorman.

We better investigate!

Come on.

Well, the coast is clear.

It was nice of the fellows in the wardrobe

department to loan us these outfits.

Sure. Now you know what to do.

Yes, sir.

You're gonna

break inside that house...

and you're gonna get evidence to

prove that Toumanoff is Gorman.

Right. And if Toumanoff

captures me...

he'll never recognize

me with this mask on.

And if Toumanoff should happen

to call for a policeman...

that's me, I rush in and

I arrest you, and I...

Look, it's me.

Hello, Harry.

Quiet.

How dare you steal

from Toumanoff.

Operator?

Operator! Get me the police.

Did you phone

for a policeman, sir?

Yes. Arrest that burglar.

I'll prefer charges in

the morning. Yes, sir.

Harry, you're clumsy.

Come on, you crook.

Let's get out of here.

Don't forget to spell

my name right!

Toumanoff. Director Toumanoff.

Yes, sir.

Hey, did you find anything?

I'm no stool pigeon.

Hey, Harry, your voice sounds

funny with that mask on.

Hold this. I'm gonna

take the mask off and see.

So, you escaped and came back?

Go ahead, call the police.

We traced your call,

Mr. Toumanoff. Anything wrong?

Yes.

Why you let this man escape?

I never saw him before.

You never...

I saw you take him out of here

with your own hands.

Come on, Officer,

take me to jail.

I'll take you to jail,

me fine bucko. Come on.

Don't forget

to spell my name right.

Toumanoff. Director Toumanoff.

Nice work. Leave it, you

don't have to be so rough.

Now, let me go.

Willie, let me go.

Oh, yeah?

Did that crook

come back in here?

I told you before that he came

back. You just took him out of here!

I did? When was that?

When you took him away

the last time.

Now go search the grounds and

you'll find him, before I report you!

Did that burglar come back

here? I just told you he did!

You did? When?

Every time you ask me!

Now, go find him

before he does come back.

Yeah. Yeah.

Excuse me. Did that crook

come back in here again?

How would I know

if he comes back...

when I was just now

over there talking with you?

I wasn't standing over there

talking to you just now.

Go away.

Let him come and rob my house.

Just let me have a little peace.

Huh?

Have a little peace!

Oh, thank you.

I love turkey.

I'll go out and see if I

can get that crook right now.

Come in!

Any sign of him?

Didn't I tell you just now,

before you went out that window?

I never went out that window.

Didn't you just take

a piece of my turkey?

I hate turkey.

I think I could use a little

drink, too. I'm all mixed up.

Go away.

And don't come back!

Come in!

Hey, this turkey

was delicious.

Didn't you just tell me

you hated turkey?

Who, me? When?

When you took the drink.

Drink? I don't drink.

Get out! Get out!

Police! Police!

Did you call the police?

No. I just yelled

to hear the sound of my voice.

Arrest this man.

You're under arrest.

Wait a minute. Is your

name Willie? No, it's Mike.

Wait a minute.

I've got you, bub.

Did you

call for the police?

Didn't you just go out that door? No.

Well, you're going

out this one.

Relax and enjoy yourself.

Nothing was stolen.

Here's to the straight

and narrow path.

And...

to Hollywood's newest and

greatest comedy director.

Now that you don't want me to

do any more of your dirty work...

how about paying

me for what I have done?

You'll have to wait.

Snavely is holding

up my salary...

to square a little account

of mine in the East.

What about your past due account

you have here in the West?

Or would you like me

to tell him about our deal?

Be patient, Hinds.

He'll get your money.

And he can do it just

as easily by going straight.

Sure, let him go straight.

Straight to $75,000

in Snavely's safe.

But that...

That is the money for the

first Piper and Pierce comedy.

That's right. But it would

also pay me off...

and still leave plenty for a smart

director to make pictures in Europe.

Let's drink to it.

For heaven's sakes, stop playing

Jimmy Valentine and open the safe.

Snavely will be here

any minute.

Hey, I wonder who else has to

okay these before we make the test.

You're robbing Mr. Snavely.

Yeah. Now we know

that you're Gorman.

Well, boys, I guess

you've caught me red-handed.

You'd better phone the police.

You can't get away with that!

Come on.

Help! Help!

Don't worry, Mr. Snavely.

We'll catch those crooks.

Boy, are we lucky.

We'll ask those cops

to help us catch those crooks.

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