About Last Night... Page #4

of All-Star Battle Royale.

I usually masturbate and

watch old episodes of House.

Yep.

- That's good.

- You like that?

I don't even want

to check my phone.

F*** it. We'll do it together.

Count of three.

One, two, three.

- Sh*t.

- Sh*t.

Bernie Litko is an a**hole!

And I liked him. I really liked him.

I was so into him.

And now I hope he gets hit by a car

and doesn't die, but his

dick gets paralysed.

And he can only have sex through

a series of hand signals.

Slow down. Slow down.

What happened?

Excuse me. You can't drink in here.

Alcohol only after 6:00 p.m.

Well, isn't it after

6:
00 p.m. in Korea?

I don't know. I'll call

my grandmother in China

and ask her if she

knows any Koreans.

Nice.

B*tch.

- Did she just call me a b*tch?

- Stop it!

- He broke...

- Up with me.

- Get out of here.

- Here's the thing.

I explained to her, I said, technically,

we're not even boyfriend and girlfriend,

so, technically, you

can't break up with me.

Did she give you a reason for not

technically breaking up with you?

She's a woman, Danny. I mean, she

bitched about a few minor things.

See, my parents...

Are coming to town and I'm

like, "I want to meet them."

And he's like, "No way."

And I'm like, "Why not?" And he goes,

"Because you're not Jewish."

- He's...

- Jewish? How did I not know that?

A, because I'm not.

And B, because when you and I were f***ing,

you never asked to meet my parents.

True.

And, so what?

I dropped the Jew-bomb.

She can't say anything about it.

If she does, she's racist.

Bernie, dropping the Jew-bomb after

months of f***ing her? Real mature.

Don't do that, Danny.

Don't judge me.

I like Joan. I think

Joan is great in bed.

I think the girl's ass should be

worshipped by indigenous peoples.

But when you start talking about

girlfriend and boyfriend,

and meeting the parents,

it's exit time for me.

Weren't you the one that

said get in or get out?

Part of getting in, genius,

is knowing when to get...

You're not listening.

I had to break up with him

because I'm not Jewish.

What kind of weak-ass man...

Hold up, hold up, hold up. I thought

you said he broke up with you.

He did. Because

I did the only thing

a red-blooded woman can

do in that situation.

I forced an ultimatum. You choose me,

or you choose your family and heritage.

And he chose 3,000 years

of beautiful tradition.

Can you believe that a**hole?

- How's Bernie?

- Fine. How's Joan?

- Fine. How's work?

- Good. You?

- Great.

- I'm hungry, woman. Let's go.

There it is.

You know, you could really use

a dining room table in here.

Oh, my God. Someone stole

my dining room table.

And a dining room. Holy sh*t.

I'm serious. What do you do

when you have people come over?

I don't have people over.

- Hello. What am I?

- Special.

Thank you.

Come here.

I thought about you all day.

- I thought about me all day, too.

- You're such a dick.

Been wearing that backpack for

longer than three weeks now.

You're officially a lesbian.

Some of us don't live here or

roll out of bed looking perfect.

You do.

- Thank you.

- Good morning.

Good morning.

Coming back tonight?

I gotta go by my place first, get

some more clothes for tomorrow.

You coming back tomorrow night?

And the night after that?

Yep. I am. Why? What's wrong?

Well, you're just always here.

Okay.

So, leave some stuff.

Take a drawer.

A drawer?

A whole drawer for little

old me? Really, Danny?

Yeah.

You sure? It's kind of a big deal.

Keys.

A drawer and keys?

Somebody pinch me. Really.

Keep talking that sh*t and I will

make sure you are late for work.

You know what?

I knew it. I knew it.

I knew this would happen. I knew

you would move in with this guy!

I just feel that adults

don't have roommates.

They live with their

significant others.

So, I am now suddenly a child because

you found a guy you think you like?

- No, but Danny and I talked about it...

- For what?

Five minutes in bed?

Joan, I'm giving you two months' extra

rent until you find someone else.

I didn't think you were one of

those girls who drops her friends

the second she gets regular dick.

Nice. So, let me get this straight.

I finally meet someone

that I really care about,

and you think that I

should force a breakup,

sit around stuffing my face

and complain constantly.

I'm down if you are.

If you want your 30s to

be a blur of parties,

punctuated by teeth cleanings,

that's great. That's your life.

I just want something different.

That means being spontaneous.

You know what?

You are such a wild card.

That's why you're packing a week

before the U-Haul gets here, huh, Deb?

Great. You know what?

Go, go! Just go!

I give it two months.

Three, tops! And this

is my sh*t, damn it!

When I said get in or get out, I didn't mean

go put a loaded gun to your damn head.

- There's nothing loaded gun about this.

- What are you talking about?

We're great together, all right?

This is just the next step.

Off a cliff? It's not funny, man.

Like you're laughing.

Dude, do you think it's about to be free

blowj*bs for the rest of your life?

Is that what you're thinking?

That's not the case, man.

You don't even get it.

Your life is over.

No more going out all night.

You understand that? That's done.

One-night stands? Over.

Yo, do you hear that? I hear something.

Where's it coming from? I don't know...

It's coming from right here.

It's the nail hitting the damn coffin.

You don't even get it.

Your life is over, dude.

I know she just saw me.

Hey, sweet pea.

Excuse me?

Don't call me sweet pea.

And also... F*** off.

All right, babe. I'll just...

You need to wipe that

damn smirk off your face.

You'll be me in T-minus

two months. You hear me?

- Right on.

- Will you stop with the hands?

What's your problem?

Hey, Joan, listen.

- I know this must suck for you...

- Bite me!

Blow me!

See what I'm saying? I ain't

never disrespect you like that.

Joan!

Miss that? Miss it like

having a growth removed!

I wanna talk to you, man.

All that stuff I was saying to you

about her potentially being Alison,

I didn't mean it, man.

I'm seeing a difference in you.

And I feel like it's

because of her.

I'm kind of, like, jealous.

A little bit.

- I'm really happy for you, Danny.

- Really?

F***, no! This is stupid!

"Really? Are you really happy?"

I think it looks pretty. Pillows are

pretty. And, you know, curtains and...

We don't really need curtains,

'cause, you know, we have shades.

- Yeah, no. Decorative. No, we do.

- I don't need this many pillows.

I just wanna get rid of all of them.

See? What are you doing?

Okay. All right.

Wow, what have you been up to?

Do you like it? I mean, if not, the

salesman said that I can send it back.

A dining room table?

Yeah. Just in time

for Thanksgiving.

- Thanksgiving?

- Yeah.

I was thinking we could invite some of our

friends over for Thanksgiving dinner.

Since we're cohabitating now.

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