About Last Night... Page #3

I'm not dicking Debbie over!

You're doing the f***-buddy

dance right now.

- What?

- The f***-buddy dance.

When you do that dance,

somebody gets hurt.

Nine times out of 10, it's the person

with the vagina and I'm telling you,

I'm not gonna be

fraternizing with the enemy.

That's the stupidest thing

I've ever heard you say,

- and you've said some stupid sh*t.

- It's not stupid.

You know what this is?

It's the Lando Calrissian effect.

I'm out here getting p*ssy in Cloud City,

giving Han Solo a run for his money.

Now when they find out that

I'm friends with Darth Vader,

know what's gonna happen?

I'm gonna get stuck in

the Millennium Falcon

with a racially offensive co-pilot.

It's the Star Wars

equivalent to castration.

Dude, you either get

in or you get out.

Fine, but I'm not the bad guy.

You will be. You will be.

Danny!

Hey.

Hi, stranger.

Told you I had great seats.

Yeah, these are great.

For you.

- Thank you.

- Yeah.

- There you go. Now you're ready.

- Is that good?

Now you're ready. Look at that.

Can't we move closer?

We could, but these are my seats.

Yeah, but those can be our seats.

Well, it doesn't

really work like that.

Why, are there seat cops?

These are my dad's seats.

He inherited them from his

dad, so it's a thing.

Yeah. You get it, right?

Yeah, I get it. I do.

These are great seats.

Good.

Where's Joan?

She's gonna meet us here.

Where's Bernie?

He said he's gonna meet us here.

- Right.

- Right.

Wait, so do they

know we set them up?

Yeah, baby. I mean,

they ain't stupid.

I know they're not stupid. I just...

I want them to work it out.

- Are you serious, do we still need these?

- Yes.

When's the last time

you got tested?

Tested? I don't know.

I was in college.

College? I am tested every

year at my Pap smear.

Bernie, you need to get tested.

Okay, first of all, do I wanna

know what a Pap smear is?

No.

- Take the test, I'll take the test.

- Thank you.

- Wait a minute. Give me a second!

- I'm...

That's it, it's on.

Wait, wait, no, it's not.

- See, this is what happened last time...

- It's on.

- It's on!

- Are you sure?

I'm... I know when it's on!

Now that I got this big old gift wrapped,

let's get it going while the tree is still up.

All right. Get on top.

I'm not getting on top.

You gotta get on top.

I got on top the last time.

I'm not getting on top.

No, that sh*t be f***ing with

my knees. I'm not doing it.

- But you know my back is bad.

- Rock, paper, scissors.

Rock, paper, scissors,

the loser gets on top.

- All right. Fine.

- On three.

- Okay.

- Ready?

- One, two, three.

- One, two, three.

That's a tie. We gotta go side.

Lift your cheek up.

There you go, there

you go, baby. There it is.

That's what I'm talking about, baby!

Good defence, boy!

Nice play, get him at third,

get him at third! Got him!

- Did they win?

- What?

- Did they win?

- No, it was just a great f***ing play.

Didn't you see that?

No, I blinked and then something

happened that made you dance.

That's the thing about this game,

you gotta stay in the moment. Right?

You can't worry about what's gonna happen,

right, otherwise you're gonna miss...

Miss the best part.

You know, she just needs

a little... Wait, push!

- Move your leg!

- Push!

I'll make a deal with you. You can talk

if you put the pillow under your stomach.

- Okay.

- Put it under your stomach.

Right there. Right there.

Don't move, don't move.

I got it! I got it! That's it!

- That's it. Game over!

- That's it!

My father used to bring

me here after every game.

Your dad brought you to a bar?

Casey's is more than just a bar.

I mean, just look around. It's rich.

Is there another room?

Stop, stop. Stop.

This place is like a

second home to me.

I've been coming

here since I was...

Since you could wrap your chubby

little fingers around a baseball.

- You used to be chubby! So cute.

- No, he's just...

That's really cute.

See, that's an entirely different story.

All right, I gotta go. I'll be back.

Sorry, pal.

You and his dad still friends?

No, he f***ed me over.

Died of bone cancer 20 years ago.

Were you guys close?

Yeah. My best friend.

Really?

What?

Nothing.

- What?

- Just interesting.

What's interesting?

Danny has never brought a

lady into this bar before.

Really? I'm the first?

Swear on Jackie Robinson's grave.

Another first.

Well, that was good. I like that.

Wait. Wait, wait.

- You need to stretch or something?

- This isn't just sex, right?

Well, this is technically

sex, babe. Yes.

There's a couple variants of

this theme that we could do,

but for the most part, it's sex.

I know, but we mean something

to each other, right?

Yeah. What... Like, yes.

So, am I your girlfriend?

Damn!

Yeah, you my girlfriend!

- Really?

- Yes!

And you feel something for me?

Yes.

You do?

Yes.

You feel it?

I feel it.

- You feel it?

- Oh, God.

I feel something.

Hit me again, baby.

B*tch! What? Knock your damn

head off! That's my ear!

You told me to hit you again.

Yeah, I didn't say hit

me hard like that!

Did you have to call me a name?

You yelled at me.

I didn't mean to do it like that.

You hit me in my ear.

- I didn't know it was your ear...

- I can't hear you!

- I didn't know it was your f***in' ear!

- Say it in the other f***ing ear!

I'm sorry! I didn't mean

to hit you! I'm upset!

- Right. Goddamn!

- Okay.

- Call me your girlfriend again.

- All right. You're my girlfriend.

Give me a kiss!

You keep yelling at me.

- You're my girlfriend.

- I'm your...

I'm your girlfriend!

So, is it true?

Is what true?

You've never brought

a lady there before?

He told you that?

You're the first.

So, what now?

- When's your birthday?

- December fifth.

- Parents still together?

- Divorced when I was 13.

How about you?

It's just my mom.

She's in D.C. She's gonna retire

as a school teacher, so...

Only child?

Yeah.

Why do I feel like

I'm being quizzed,

and if I get something

wrong, we're gonna break up?

Did you just confirm

that we're dating?

Guess I let the cat out of the bag.

I think the cat's been out of the bag and

wandering the room for some time now.

I love this.

What annoys you most?

Amusement parks.

What? Do you also hate America?

I can't stand the concept

of organised fun.

You know, it's like, have fun now!

You know, do it now!

It's like New Year's Eve, you know?

Resolution now! Better life now!

Absolutely not. New Year's is

awesome. You're just stupid.

- What? You're stupid.

- Your face is stupid.

- Your penis is stupid.

- My what?

- Your penis...

- Is what?

Anytime I can give you a hand.

- I love this movie.

- Yeah, I love this movie, too.

You like chick-flicks?

It's not a chick-flick.

This is a dude's movie.

- Chick.

- Dude.

- Chick. Chick. Dude.

- Dude.

- Chick.

- See?

Sh*t. You f***ing... Okay, okay.

I see.

I don't want this to end.

I hate Sunday afternoons.

It's like, countdown to reality.

I normally play marathon sessions

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes