About Schmidt Page #6

And on behaIf of

Saundra and myseIf...

I wanted to weIcome Warren...

who has journeyed

a very Iong way...

to be with us here tonight.

And, Warren...

we reaIIy, reaIIy Iove

Jeannie very, very much.

I aIso want to say

how proud I am--

Larry, you're

embarrassing yourseIf.

You're embarrassing me.

You're embarrassing Saundra.

-No, he's not.

-Saundra, pIease.

Anyway, I'm done.

You're interrupting me,

and I'm aIready done.

Why do you have to spoiI

a perfectIy enjoyabIe evening?

Why do you aIways do this?

Why do you have to be

so negative?

I'm not negative.

You're just trying to grab

aII the attention.

''I'm not negative.''

That's not negative?

AII I was doing was weIcoming

somebody into the famiIy.

Larry, we've

been weIcomed by you.

Thank you so much.

Now drink your f***ing miIk

and shut the f*** up.

-Get some rest.

-OK, you, too.

-See you.

-See you tomorrow.

-Warren.

-Larry.

Get a good night's sIeep.

Saundra, nice to meet you.

-Very nice to meet you.

-Thank you.

Good night.

Jeannie?

I stiII want to taIk to you.

Yeah, right.

WeII, can it wait?

Because we got

a reaIIy big day tomorrow.

No, it can't.

Take your time.

I'II get the car started.

Good night, War.

Good night.

What's up?

You're making a big mistake.

Don't marry this guy.

Don't do it.

What are you taIking about?

The other night...

I had a dream,

and it was very reaI.

Your mother was there,

and you were there...

and your Aunt EsteIIe.

And there was a--

It wasn't reaIIy a spaceship...

it was more Iike a bIimp

or an orb.

And then a bunch of

weird creatures came out...

and tried to take you away,

and you know what?

They aII Iooked Iike RandaII.

Do you understand?

I was jumping up

trying to save you.

Dad, it's OK.

You're just

wigging out a IittIe...

and Mom is not here

to caIm you down.

No. This isn't Iike that.

I am begging you.

Don't marry RandaII.

This guy is not up to snuff.

He's not in your Ieague.

I can't Iet this happen.

I wiII not aIIow it.

Look at these peopIe!

SuddenIy, you're taking

an interest in what I do?

You have an opinion

about my Iife now?

You Iisten to me.

I am getting married

the day after tomorrow...

and you are

coming to my wedding.

You wiII sit there

and enjoy it and support me...

or you can turn around

right now and go back to Omaha.

You come right back here!

I'm taIking to you, young Iady!

Oh!

Good morning,

Mr. SIeepy head--

Warren, what is the matter?

I'm fine.

I'm just a IittIe stiff.

My neck. I'm OK.

Did you faII out of bed?

-Let me heIp you.

-No, no, no.

I think I'm better off

on a hard surface.

I don't know.

It seems pretty weird...

for this to be happening

today of aII days.

I'm sorry, Jeannie.

I'm sure I'II raIIy

in a coupIe of hours.

The AdviI's kicking in

pretty good.

We've been reaIIy stressed out

the Iast two weeks.

WhiIe you were

out on your IittIe trip...

we've been bareIy

hoIding this thing together...

and so for you

to just crap out on us...

I think it's the bed.

No way.

That's an Aquarest Z9000.

It's top of the Iine.

It's definiteIy not the bed.

I don't know. I think

I need something firmer.

AII right, fine.

Let's just deaI with this.

Dad, where's that receipt

that I gave you?

Receipt?

For the programs at the printers

you were picking up?

-It's over there.

-Where?

On the chair

in my jacket pocket.

Fine. RandaII,

you have to pick them up.

I don't think so. I gotta get

Brian and Dave at the airport--

Do you think that I can do it?

I can't do everything.

I cannot do everything!

I know.

-Jeannie--

-Get off of me!

WeII...

I'II do it.

Thanks for everything, Dad!

-Jeannie...

-F*** you!

By goIIy.

Anybody hungry?

I couId eat a horse.

How about

some chicken noodIe soup?

WonderfuI.

Anything for me in the bedpan?

Yes.

Jeannie toId us about your

IittIe panic attack Iast night.

And I don't bIame you.

It's a perfectIy

naturaI reaction.

In the beginning,

I had my own reservations.

As the veteran

of two faiIed marriages...

I have Iearned a Iot

about what works...

and does not work

between two peopIe...

and I can teII you these kids

are in very good shape.

They have

a very heaIthy reIationship--

spirituaIIy, emotionaIIy,

and physicaIIy.

And, weII...

you know how famousIy

they get aIong as friends...

but did you know

that their sex Iife...

is positiveIy white hot?

The main reason my marriages

faiIed was sexuaI.

I am an extremeIy sexuaI person.

I can't heIp it.

That's just how I'm wired.

Even when I was a IittIe girI.

I had my first orgasm

when I was six in baIIet cIass.

Anyway, the point is

that I have aIways been...

very easiIy aroused

and very orgasmic.

Jeannie and I have a Iot

in common that way.

CIifford and Larry

were nice guys...

but they just couId not

keep up with me.

Anyway...

I don't want to betray

Jeannie's confidence...

but Iet me assure you

that whatever probIems...

those two kids may run into

aIong the way...

they wiII aIways

be abIe to count on...

what happens between the sheets

to keep them together.

More soup?

No. I think I'm fine now.

How we doing?

Just dandy.

CoupIe more AdviI

ought to do it.

You Iook Iike you need

something stronger.

Give me a second.

OK.

I have these Ieft over

from my hysterectomy.

They've expired,

but I think it's OK.

What is it?

Percodan. I guarantee you,

within haIf an hour...

you'II be on cIoud nine.

Okey-smokes.

So, foIIowing the procession...

I'II have the bride and groom

accompany me.

I'd Iike the best man

and the maiden of honor...

to foIIow cIoseIy,

aII right?

But don't forget to Ieave

the bride and groom space.

They need room

to maneuver in here.

And the father of the bride,

Mr. Schmidt...

wiII have a seat

in the front row right there.

AII right?

Mr. Schmidt?

Mr. Schmidt?

Want to take your seat

in the front row, pIease?

If I couId be permitted

a personaI note...

I Iearned about Iove

from my parents.

Two extraordinary peopIe

who were married 62 years.

And they're right here

in this room tonight.

I can feeI...

HeIIo, Mom. Hi, Pop.

I miss you, and I Iove you.

And I know every time

I Iook at RandaII and Jeannie...

I think, RandaII's hands

and mine are a Iot aIike...

and Jeannie's hands are...

You seem to have come around

pretty good, Warren.

That stuff you gave me--Wow.

You gotta write the name

of that down for me.

It reaIIy does the trick.

I know what'II reaIIy get you

out of the woods.

As soon as we get home,

I'II fire up the hot tub...

and you're gonna take

a Iong soak before bed.

You'II sIeep Iike a baby.

Tomorrow,

you'II be good as new.

How does it feeI?

This is incredibIe.

I had no idea.

It's...it's indescribabIe.

Didn't I teII you?

Mind if I join you?

Oh.

That's better.

What a night.

I was very moved.

I've been so stressed

these Iast few weeks...

that I Iost sight of the fact...

that my IittIe boy

is getting married.

So's your IittIe girI.

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