About Time Page #6

bit of thought, to get married.

That's wonderful news.

Who are you getting married to?

To Mary. Over there.

Thank God for that.

Jolly embarrassing if it had

been another girl. imagine that.

We're so pleased.

No, sorry. Yeah.

By the way, the wedding

will be quite soon

because we're

having a baby, too.

You're pregnant?

Yes.

Who's the father?

Well, Tim, I hope.

Thank God for that. Jolly awkward

if it had been another fellow.

We have to decide tonight.

What? Everything.

The only thing

you've decided about our

wedding is that I'm

coming down the aisle

to the sound of

some ltalian weirdo

singing a song called Il Mondo.

Excellent song.

To which I've said

a definitive ?'no.?'

So here's the deal.

I will take off one item of clothing

for every decision you make.

Okay. You have my attention,

young lady.

Right, um,

where would you

like to get married?

Home. I'd hate anywhere else.

Okay.

My God. Good.

Who should the priest be?

?t'll have to be

the local bloke

with yellow teeth and

the massive unibrow.

Okay.

That's a lock for Hagrid.

Um...

Best Man?

Damn.

Best Man. Now.

No, this is so hard. It's lose-lose you know

You piss off all the

ones you don't pick, and you end

up hating the one you do pick

because he makes a bad

speech and ruins the day.

Do you wanna see

these puppies or not?

Yes, I do.

Jay. it's your choice.

He's my best friend,

but he's a moron.

Yeah, he will

mess up everything.

Rory. Sure?

No, Harry.

Harry it is. Let's do this.

Rory. Sorry.

What? That's such a cheat.

Okay, fine.

Honeymoon?

Bed and breakfast in Scotland.

I am not taking

my pants off for Scotland.

But it's all we can afford.

Take off your pants.

I will not.

Take off your pants!

I want

two weeks in Bali!

Take off those pants!

Have you planned a break? No.

No! Is that you? ?t wasn't me.

?t's for you.

No, I'm caught!

I've got it. I've got it!

Help me!

Yes!

Right, follow me!

My gosh!

My God!

God!

it's a joke!

Here.

Yes, come on.

This way.

My God!

Hello,

I'm Rory.

When Tim asked me to

be his Best Man, I was terrified.

So I thought best

thing is to find

a book about speeches.

And here it is.

And it says think of

really funny anecdotes.

And there is a very hilarious

story, actually from work.

?t was quite a complicated

case based on an issue of

cross-amortisation

of ownership of

post-divorce

properties and, um...

Let me just explain the context.

The Defendant...

When Tim asked me

to do his Best Man speech,

my immediate reaction was,

?'How much are you gonna

pay me, you little sh*t?

?'l don't write

for free, you know.?'

These were the girls available

to him at that time.

?'Hello, girls.?' And this is how

far he got with each of them.

Let me explain the code.

5, blow job.

8, full penetrative...

and so a toast

to the man with

the worst haircut

but the best bride in the room.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Tim and Mary.

Tim and Mary.

That's us.

I wish I'd said ?'l love you.?'

You did, Dad.

?t was implied.

I'm not sure ?'implied?' is good

enough for a wedding day, are you?

No, don't do it, it's fine.

I'm so happy with it as it was.

You really don't have to.

I'll do what

I wanna do, young man.

Will you excuse me

for just one moment?

later on I may tell you about

Tim's many failings as a man

and as a table tennis player.

But,

important first to say the one

big thing, I've only loved

three men in my life.

My dad was

a frosty bugger so that

only leaves dear Uncle Desmond,

B. B. King, obviously,

and this young man here.

I'd only give one piece of

advice to anyone marrying.

We're all quite

similar in the end.

We all get old and tell the

same tales too many times.

But try and marry someone

kind.

And this is a kind man

with a good heart.

I'm not particularly proud

of many things in my life,

but I am very proud

to be the father of my son.

I'm so sorry to disturb you, but I

wonder if I could have your autograph.

No. No.

I'm at a wedding,

for God's sake.

I'm here to

celebrate true love not

scribble my illegible

signature on stupid

bits of paper that

you can flog on eBay

so that at the next wedding you

can wear a less hideous hat.

I see you've met my Aunt May.

God. People should

wear name tags.

You next, Kittle Kattle.

I don't know, Uncle D.

Boys aren't very nice.

Aren't they, darling?

Not in my experience.

They're always

taking liberties,

not giving much back in return.

?t's yummy. Yeah?

I like the way you say 'yummy.'

Do you wish we'd picked

another less wet day?

No.

Not for the world.

And so it begins.

Lots and lots of types of days.

Fun!

Posy.

Posy she is.

The most beautiful

girl in the world.

You want your daddy.

Yes, I know.

Yeah.

No one can ever

prepare you for

what happens when

you have a child.

When you see

the baby in your arms

and you know that

it's your job now.

No one can prepare you for

the love and the fear.

She's lovely.

You were such an ugly baby.

More chimpanzee than child.

I remember

the first time I saw you,

I thanked God we were in driving

distance of London Zoo.

Come on, hand over

the little bugger,

let's see if she bounces.

Yeah,

she definitely will bounce.

Look.

She can do anything.

Look. Hello.

Sweetheart.

No one can prepare you

for the love

people you love

can feel for them.

And nothing can prepare you for

the indifference of friends

who don't have babies.

Do you wanna

go to Uncle Jay?

No, thanks, it's fine.

It's great.

And it's a shock how

quickly you have to move

to a new place you

completely can't afford.

Look what we found.

Look who it is!

Honey!

Sorry.

Suddenly, time travel seems

almost unnecessary,

because every detail of

life is so delightful.

What's his name?

Horace, I think.

Of course it is.

Only one important thing

for a godfather, I'm told,

never bring a present

smaller than the child.

Shut up, you smug bastard.

Don't worry, I didn't

bring anything at all.

She'll never know.

Hasn't got a brain yet.

I didn't expect to

see you here, Harry.

Children's party's

not exactly your style.

No, Mary, I was tricked. I was

told there would be free booze.

I hate kids, as you know.

Where's Kit Kat, by the way?

I don't know, she said

she'd be here around 3:00.

And you know we got purple

cupcakes for her especially.

Here she is!

Speak of the devil,

that will be her.

We'll wait till

Aunty Kit Kat gets here.

Hey. Jimmy.

Where's my sister?

Thought she was here.

No, she hasn't arrived.

That's not good.

What does that mean?

Um... We had an

argument this morning.

Over nothing, but

she'd been drinking, so...

And then she ran out to get

the car to come here and

I told her to

meet me here so...

There's a song by Baz

Luhrmann called Sunscreen.

He says worrying

about the future

is as effective

as trying to solve

an algebra equation

by chewing bubble gum.

The real troubles in your life

will always be things that never

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