Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie

Let your hurr down

We's about to get down

Yeah!

Oh, my, oh my, oh my God

This girl straight

and this girl not

Tipsy off that peach Ciroc

Like la la la

Ching-a-lang-lang

ching-a-ling-a-lang-lang

Jeans so tight I could see loose change

Do your thang, thang, girl

Do that thang

Like la la la

Tell them pretty

faced girls tryna

brass each other

And them undercover

freaks who ain't nun'

but trouble

Baby, I'm a tell you some'

only cause I love ya

People all around the world sexy

Get ugly

Get ugly, baby

Woo hoo

And everybody say

La la la

Get ugly

You're too sexy to me

You're too sexy to me

So sexy

Damn, that's ugly

Giles! Giles!

He loves me, he loves me.

Get ugly, baby

Woo hoo

And everybody say la la la

Get ugly

Eddy? Eddy?

Eddy?

Ed?

Look, I'm twerkin', darling.

I'm twerkin'.

No, you're not.

Isn't that twerking?

No, move your bum.

Ooh.

Dysfunctional

Get ugly

You're too sexy to me

Sweetheart, darling? Saff?

Your grandmother's home.

Darling! Sweetheart!

Darling! Sweetheart!

Darling!

Wakey, wakey,

my lady.

Oh, get out, get out.

You have meetings, meetings, meetings...

parties, openings.

Pats?

Pats!

What?

Today's the day I sign the deal

on my book deal, darling.

Oh! Fabulous.

Yeah, fabulous.

Am I in it?

Of course you're in it, darling,

because you are my oldest, oldest friend.

Mmm-hmm.

And who will play me, Eddy?

Well, darling,

it's only just nearly a book.

It will be a film, though, sweetheart,

because it's about me, isn't it?

It's about London's

premier fashion P. R.

Fabulous.

And who will play me, Eddy?

Not Jane Fonda.

Why?

I've had stem cells

and the blood of

a 2-year-old child

injected in my skin

and I still look like this.

You need to use fetus blood, Eddy.

A little spritz of afterbirth, darling.

Oh.

Keep up, sweetie.

Oh!

I want to go in there,

but I have to get past that big mirror.

I think I am now officially

fatter sideways

than I am front on.

Darling, you don't

need those.

I am your mirror.

How do I look?

Fabulous.

Thank you.

Ooh.

Need to move that, Eddy.

I'll call Kelly Hoppen.

Fabulous.

Morning.

Afternoon.

When did these stairs

get so long?

Since you dug into

middle earth.

Oh, yes.

Good though, isn't it?

Bo and Marshall rang.

Both of them?

They want to come

and talk about the house.

Why do they want to talk about the house?

I don't know.

Go outside!

Eddy, I'm vaping.

No, darling, you lit it,

that's a cigarette.

And she's a child.

Then why can't she

go outside into the air?

Your mother's here.

Oh, Christ.

How long is this one here for?

When's she going back?

I don't know.

All I know is it's something

else I'm paying for.

I'm not going back to Africa.

If Dad wants to see me, he can come here.

Why isn't he paying for her?

Mum, we're divorced.

Well, he can't just sit in Ebola

or wherever he is, darling,

and not pay for her.

Gabon?

What?

Gabon?

Gabon?

Why is she...

Why are you saying Gabon?

Is he still in Gabon?

Is he still in Gabon?

No.

No! No.

Dad's paying for me.

He gave me a credit card.

Oh! Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Talking about

credit cards. Bubble?

All of my cards are broken.

Fix them, please.

Eddy, I'm thirsty.

Morning, Mrs. M.

Morning, Patsy, dear.

I'll open a Bolly.

Darling, where is the champagne?

I don't know.

Where's the Bolly?

Where's the champagne?

If you want things,

you have to pay for them.

Since when?

Sounds like you'll have to

tighten your belt, dear.

Oh.

If you manage that, it'll be a first.

Don't let her eat anything

while she's here.

All right? No eaty.

Eddy, what are we

going to do

without champagne?

That'll be Bo and Marshall.

Hi, hi, hi.

Hello, there.

No need to rush, honey.

Be careful.

All of this is new.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, hello, there.

Let's get up here, one, two, three.

Now tell her why we're here.

I can't go on with the house payments.

You paid for all this?

Yes.

Well, darling,

that's how divorce works.

Learn.

He needs surgery.

Yes. We can tell them.

Marshall is a transgender.

He'd like to

live as a woman.

Oh, that's typical.

Jumping on the bandwagon.

Finally she gets to cut your balls off!

Oh, well, I don't need

your measly payments.

I've got a book deal.

Come on, Pats.

At least you're small.

You'll be able

to get shoes.

So when does it come off?

Oh, we haven't

gone through "coming off"

therapy yet.

Darling, come with me today.

I'm putting the final touches to...

the Huki Muki retrospective launch party.

Can Lulu

sing at that?

No.

Oh, no, no, that all has to go back.

That's all got to go back.

Eddy, how long have we got this for?

Oh, they've lent it for Emma Bunton,

but they don't mind.

No, they want it back.

Exercise, exercise,

exercise... done!

And coming up

on "Woman's Hour",

was Shakespeare's wife depressed?

But first, here in the studio we have

P.R. supremo Claudia Bing,

a woman...

with her finger on the pulse.

Oh, turn that sh*t off.

There was a time

the zeitgeist

blew through me.

Now it's just...

A tiny fart.

Eddy, look.

Quite close by.

Ooh.

No, I'm all right.

Had him, had him, had him, had him.

Eddy, can we stop at the Wolseley?

No, darling, my cards are broken.

Chiltern Firehouse?

My cards are broken!

Well, haven't you got any of that...

hand money?

No.

What is that?

Chanel No. 5.

No, I'm all right.

Show them your breasts.

No.

Oh, come on.

Leave it, Bo.

Women, can't live with 'em,

can't...

Is this little Lola?

Oh.

Africa.

We are sisters.

My people are your people.

Which people?

Black people.

I am a black person.

Deep down, we are all black.

Oh!

So, can I have

an advance?

No. What is this?

I just don't get it.

Well, this isn't how it would be written.

This is how I dictated it to Bubble.

Bubble. What is Bubble?

My P.A., Bubble.

Oh, I thought it was new software.

You see, I'm just not really understanding

anything you say.

I need a coffee.

Coffee!

I mean,

the world of P. R.

Mmm.

Who really knows

what P. R. is?

P. R. is everything.

I am P. R.

I took Sting and

put him in the rainforest,

gave the little pygmies a party.

I put Bono behind yellow glasses.

I gave celebrities AIDS.

The T-shirt.

Anyway, look...

there's not enough here.

What do you mean, not enough?

There's pages and pages.

I dictated it to Bubble.

It mostly just says,

"Blah, blah, blah."

Who do you

represent in P. R.?

Well, it's not just the "who's",

it's the "what's".

It's the likes of...

Not the "likes of", the "actuals".

The singer Lulu.

Who else?

Spice Emma, Baby Bunton.

And?

Queen Noor.

I have a huge

boutique vodka.

I have Pop-Specs.

Joel.

Graham! Graham, I know you.

I know him.

He loves me.

I don't love you.

You're gay, come on.

I don't love you!

Leave me alone.

I don't know what's wrong with him.

All my friends are gay.

And Nigella!

Yes. I know Nigella.

Write a chapter on that.

Me and Nigella...

eating late at night...

in a fridge.

No.

Can I have an advance?

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