Absolutely Fabulous: The Movie Page #2

No.

Why?

Because it's sh*t.

Eddy, let's go.

I'll be late.

You only read 'em.

You don't write 'em.

You just work in the shop.

You think your life's

interesting. It isn't.

It may be worth living,

but it's not worth reading.

It's happened. Move on.

Bloody, bloody books!

Bloody books!

Blah, blah, blah!

Bloody books!

I have to check

the Huki Muki mannequins

before tonight.

Coming with me, Eds?

No, I can't.

I've got that P. R. persons

lunch-of-the-month lunch.

Brunch.

A munch-of-the-munch munch?

Not munch. Lunch.

Oh, kill her, Eddy.

What are we going to?

Have you rung Lulu yet?

Oh, shut up about Lulu.

Don't rush me.

I haven't got any money.

Get someone to pay at the other end.

Where's my car?

It's gone back to Baby Bunton.

But I need wheels!

Oh!

But you were only given feet.

Oh, shut up.

Yeah. Love. Love.

Hate.

Put the fishtail next to the red blob.

And change that mannequin, it's too fat.

Why are we doing this by the river?

It stinks of fish.

Is that you? Good grief.

What's the food?

Oh, raw.

Freshly dead, octopus with a pulse?

Yeah.

Cocktails?

The mixologist is Madeira Slice.

He's doing his flaming

gasoline herbal

labia cocktails.

No olives.

No.

Oh, Metro wants a paragraph.

Oh, Patsy Stone, fashion editor, The A.

Fashion designer Huki Muki

makes Valentino look like Topshop.

Disorientating beauty juxtaposed

between life and death...

and shoes.

Yeah, all that sh*t, but more importantly,

our magazine is sponsoring it.

I want Huki Muki smaller, our logo bigger.

Yeah, Magda.

Oi, Pats.

I've just been

with Valentino.

What's left of him?

Not much. He's a small

lizard handbag

with a hoverboard of hair.

Shut up!

Ooh!

Guest list, now.

Right.

Okay, we have got

all the Jenners and Tyga...

Suki, Cara, David...

Kanye. We have Dolce,

but not Gabbana. Okay.

SamCam, I don't know who...

Ai Wuhwuh... Ai Weiwuh...

Weiwie...

Am I going deaf

or have you not said "Kate Moss" yet?

Apart from the fact

me head's full of fish fumes...

it's impossible because

she's left her P. R.

I shouldn't have said that, it's secret.

Delete, delete.

I don't care.

Just get her here.

Offer her ayahuasca and shamans

and enough vodka to kill cattle.

I'm off to Chanel.

Lagerfeld waits for no man.

Get me an Uber.

A minicab?

Helicopter!

I don't do traffic!

Bag.

Chanel, Chanel!

I can't bloody work with that sh*t!

Welcome, everybody,

to this month's

P.R. person-of-the-month

lunch.

Eat. It's all free.

Nothing is free anymore.

Even freedom isn't free.

It used to be.

But now everybody wants your PIN number.

Sure they do, old girl.

Sure they do.

Say nothing.

Edina.

Claudia.

I hear you've just been to a meeting

with my friend Joel at Random Penguin.

Yeah, it went really well.

He said how it went.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Claudia Bing.

Thank you, guys.

So proud

to be yet again...

the P. R. person's

P. R. person of the month.

We will continue to run campaigns...

with the...

"sergeny"?

Synergy.

Oh, synergy.

Shooting up and...

Out.

Out.

Shooting out on Twitter...

and joining up all those conversations.

Do we do that?

No.

Who knew that a blog post

could do more than

a banner or cookie engagement?

Do you feed my Twitter?

No, I forgot. And it died.

These days, you can't get by

with a couple

of old pop stars

and a vodka.

It's a boutique vodka!

It's a huge boutique vodka!

Eddy! Top secret, darling.

You don't know this...

and I don't know this, but, darling...

Kate Moss

is changing her P.R.!

Darling? Kate Moss!

Oh, shut up! Stop!

Eds, darling,

she's going to be at the Huki Muki.

Shut up! Shut up!

No one else will know.

Don't let that b*tch Bing know.

Damn!

So common.

Ooh!

Lola!

Lola!

What?

Have you seen Gran?

Hi.

Hi. Hi.

Oh.

Um, are you okay?

You seem a bit flustered.

Yeah, uh, no. Uh...

I just need to see Gran

off to the airport.

My mother's looking after Lola tonight.

Should I

meet your mother?

No.

Okay.

Sorry.

It's fine.

Can I kiss you properly now?

I've been thinking about it all day.

Sorry.

Oh, my God.

I can't believe that face

came from the womb of the little dumpster.

Excuse me?

Tonight, Lola,

you are my

perfect accessory.

Oh, she won't need much, darling.

If raw material was the finished article,

there'd be no point of me.

I'm going to straighten and shimmer.

Ow! Ow!

Go for it.

Just take the pain, b*tch.

Your hair will straighten.

Ow!

Beyonc cried, too, but she surrendered.

Ow!

Don't stop.

There's something in the suitcase?

Where am I?

Oh, Gran!

What's she doing?

I'm off to Cannes, dear.

She's going

to Aunt Violet's

birthday party.

Why don't I know about this?

We didn't want you to know, dear.

It's going to be very sprauncy.

Oh!

No, no, leave it!

It's Pats. Patsy.

Hi, darling.

Got some threads for the midget.

Leave them there.

Oh, I smell pigs, Eddy.

I smell rozzers.

Oh, just a thought.

Will I need

injections, Saffy?

Yeah, lethal ones.

Bonjour.

You just met my mother.

She seems nice.

Look up.

Okay, I'm looking up.

Patsy's here.

Ugh.

Darling, it's pretty exciting, isn't it?

Tonight is going to change everything.

Oh, my God, what's happening?

No, Eddy.

What?

I'm going to...

Don't tell him, Eddy.

Tell him, Eddy.

I'm gonna get Kate Moss!

I'm her new P. R.!

Go on, go to Patsy.

We all love you.

We love you.

We love you.

We thought we'd go to Goa

for an Ayurvedic colonic.

It's totes amaze.

So beautiful.

Edina has to come.

She has to.

Or we could go out.

There's that new club, FoFo BoBo.

Who's D.J.-ing?

Dead Mice.

I love Dead Mice.

Oh, Edina, you have to come.

Stella will give you

all the clothes you need.

I would love to dress you.

Oh, Eddy...

you're my favorite person

in the whole world.

You have to do my P. R.

Please, you have to.

Please?

Okay, okay.

Eddy! Eddy! Eddy!

What are those?

I'm not wearing them!

Pats! Will you just let her

wear what she wants?

Can I do Kate's hair?

I'd love to give her ends a good tonging.

Yes.

She's going to love you, Lola.

Why?

'Cause you have what we all want.

Eddy, look.

Youth patch.

Absorb, absorb.

Now, listen.

You're coming

as my daughter,

so all you do...

I'm not going to be man bait.

You should be so lucky.

What are you doing?

I'm going. I want to go.

Kate Moss will be there and Eddy said...

What?

Are you sexing

that little rodent downstairs,

darling?

You know what?

Fine. F*** it.

Sorry. F***. F***!

F***, f***, f***.

F*** it!

I am going out.

Do what you want.

You can do what you want.

Just don't do it to get at me.

I ruined my life

by trying not to make

my mother happy.

Don't do the same.

You wearing Stella McCartney tonight, Eds?

Uh, no, darling, no.

She still won't let me in her shop.

I'm here on the red carpet

of the Huki Muki retrospective...

with London's fashion glitterati.

If you're not here,

then who the hell are you?

You're singing tonight, Lulu.

Yeah. It's going to be

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