Accident Man Page #2

It can be as quick as changing

a plaster on a cut...

- ...and a new one will kill you.

- RAY:
Hang on.

So you're telling me that you're gonna

kill people by putting plasters on them.

Exactly. I've just got to do one more

field test to make absolutely sure.

That's where Mr. Dorset comes in.

You do know you're probably

the last person on earth...

...that actually uses a phone book, Fred?

I've never trusted the Internet, Ray.

You know that.

So, basically, you've gone

and weaponized bandages.

Yeah. The irony of it all. Ha-ha.

Bollocks. It'll never work.

- How much you want to bet?

- Hundred notes, mate.

You're on.

MICK:
Hey, Big Ray.

What's the name of the hotel where

the first Singapore Sling was poured?

- How many letters?

- MICK:
Seven.

F*** off.

Heh. Yeah, that's seven letters.

Come on, man. Help me out with this.

You love your Kindle more than your wife.

That's why I strangled the b*tch, isn't it?

- Ah.

- JANE:
Charming, Ray.

Maybe you can put your misogynistic

tendencies aside for one minute...

...and pour me my drink?

Mate, is it wrong of me

to wanna get stuck into Jane?

It's not worth it, bro.

Plus, you'd never make it out alive.

Don't know.

I think it might be worth the crack.

Hey, Jane. How much you charging these days?

Offering any friends-and-family discount?

Are you insinuating

that I'm some kind of a skanky hooker?

Or worse, that we're friends?

All right. Back down, lads.

We all know that Jane is a lady.

[JANE BELCHES]

Well, as stimulating as this is, boys,

I'm out of here.

Got a 10:
00 bang-and-shank.

Y'all misbehave.

See you later, Jane.

B*tches, man.

So, Mike, are you still dating

that model chick?

On and off, mate. You know me.

She's all right, though. Twenty-six, body

of an 18-year-old, brain of a 12-year-old.

- Right up my street.

- RAY:
Yeah, well...

...a little different than the last one.

Didn't she turn out to be a dyke?

"Dyke" is a bit harsh, Mac.

We live in a tolerant society.

All right, then.

A lesbian, then.

- I'd f*** it.

- Well, you'd f*** anything.

MAC:
The other one she left you for, mate.

Was she the bloke in the relationship,

or was it Beth?

- One of them always is.

- RAY:
It was the other one.

What was her name again?

Bob? Something like that?

- Charlie.

- RAY:
Charlie. There you go.

- Even sounds like a bloke.

- MICK:
Damn.

You must have really pissed her off.

She switched teams.

Yeah. Weren't you giving her

what she wanted, mate?

Yeah, all right, lads. Give it a rest.

Well, like I've always said:

"Women make you soft."

Always remember the three golden rules:

Never get angry.

Never get involved.

And most importantly...

ALL [IN UNISON]:
Never get caught.

- Well, I'll drink to that.

- Ah.

Cheers, Ray.

Mikey, my boy.

MIKE:
And this is Milton.

The most important cog in the machine.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Milton's a born-and-bred New Yorker.

But after seeing one too many

Hugh Grant films, moved to London.

And he's trying his best to be

a foppish member of the Mayfair gentry.

He's the firm's front man.

He meets the clients and assigns one of us...

...depending on the style of kill required.

All the information we need

is delivered to us in a KBD.

Kill Brief Dossier.

The kill briefs are delivered to us

on an unfixed negative.

Very Mission:
Impossible, I know.

But before Milton came along, we had

a manila envelope full of paperwork.

Too easy to leave lying around for those

less-precise members of the crew.

Not naming any names.

What?

We never know the client.

They don't know who we are.

Keeps everybody sleeping better at night.

And for all that,

cheeky bastard takes 15 percent.

Mind you, Ray takes 25.

And nobody says sh*t about that.

Everybody secretly wishes

they could kill Milton.

He's a little weasel.

But house rules dictate that no one

can touch him. It's a shame.

MILTON:
So the yuppie job went down well?

Turned out he was suicidal.

Mixing it up a little bit, aren't we?

Yeah, something like that.

And I had another job

that just came in this morning.

The Satanic Mechanics?

- Have you ever heard of them?

- No.

They're a heavy-metal band.

They're gonna be playing

the next four nights at the Mosh Pit.

And, well, they all need to die.

- You think you can handle it?

- I don't see why not.

And what about the accountant job?

It seems like you're falling

a little behind on that one.

All good comes to those who wait.

Yes, but we don't want

to keep them waiting too long.

After all, we have our reputation to uphold.

And these people can be a whale of a client.

If they want it quick,

have Cliff take his head off.

If they want it done legit,

like an accident...

- ...they just have to wait.

- That's exactly what I told them.

But as a little incentive...

...if you can get this job done

by the end of play tomorrow...

...they're willing to double the fee.

- Double the fee?

- Yeah.

- All right, I'll see what I can do.

- Marvelous.

- That's why you're the best.

- Yeah, whatever, Milton.

Probably say that to all the killers.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MIKE:
There was a guy on TV the other night.

Had a theory that nearly a quarter

of all so-called fatal accidents...

...were actually murders.

That's ridiculous.

It's only about 10 percent.

For this hit, I'm using

a CO2 gas-powered rifle.

Plastic tube, 2 inches in diameter.

Poly-carbon plunger filled

with shards of glass.

Pinpoint accurate at 500 yards.

I've been here every morning

for the past five days...

...waiting for the right car

at the right speed and the right angle.

Oh, here we go.

[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMING]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Looks like I'll get

my double-price incentive after all.

Oh, my God. I've killed him.

It only takes a metric ton of steel

to sure ruin everyone's day.

When the police investigate, they'll

presume the burst tire was responsible...

...because of the broken glass in the road.

And Bob's your uncle.

Another accident.

[MAN SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

I've killed him!

[MUSIC PLAYING]

PMT time again.

It's not a good idea to make a habit

of smashing up strangers in bars.

So tonight, this'll have to do.

Why can't I stop thinking about her?

Get it together, son.

Big Ray was right.

I should've never gotten involved.

She used to drive me crazy

with all that eco, save-the-planet rubbish.

"Melting ice caps" this,

"dolphin massacres" that.

One minute we'd be yelling at each other...

...and the next, we'd be all over each other.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I can't believe she left me

for Charlie Adams and a minge.

AUTOMATED VOICE:
One new message.

MILTON [ON RECORDING]: Mikey, Milton here.

Listen, I'm afraid

we've got a bit of a hiccup.

I'm swamped. So I need you to pick up

the payment for the accountant job.

Drop-off will be at the back

of the Odeon Cinema in Chinatown...

...tomorrow night at 9 p.m.

I'll see you at the Oasis, old matey.

D*ckhead.

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY

AND HEAVY METAL MUSIC PLAYING]

MIKE:
The Satanic Mechanics

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