Accident Man Page #5

...in which time,

he killed three more people.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[CAR HORN HONKS]

One day, I plucked up the courage

to knock on his door.

Excuse me, sir.

I've seen what you do, and I need your help.

Ha. Oh, no.

This a windup, yeah?

All right, then.

What exactly you seen me do?

Well, you kill people, don't you?

[LAUGHS]

[CHAINSAW BUZZING AND

MAN SCREAMING ON RECORDING]

"Mike Fallon."

Who sent you?

No one.

"No one."

Where'd you get this footage?

I filmed it.

I've been following you for weeks.

Following me?

Weeks? Why?

What is it that you want?

I need your help. I'm getting the crap...

...kicked out of me every day

by a gang of chavs.

You kill people for a living.

If anyone can help me, it's gotta be you.

- Are you taking the piss?

- No, I'm not, sir.

Sir.

I think you're amazing. A genuine craftsman.

Might wanna work on

your surveillance-detection skills.

Does anyone know you're here?

No. I swear.

No one, you swear?

You got a set of balls on you, don't you?

Come here.

I can't have people knowing

about my business, now, can I?

Ah! Jesus! Unh!

Come here!

Stay there.

If I'm not home by 6 p.m. tonight...

...my foster parents will find

a copy of that footage...

...with this address and a note

telling them to call the police...

- ...because I've been murdered.

- Bollocks. You're bluffing.

Maybe I am, but do you really

wanna take that chance?

[LAUGHING]

Resourceful little bastard, ain't you?

And a f***ing good kick. Come on, sit down.

So let me get this straight.

You want me to teach you...

...how to defend yourself

against these bullies?

- No, sir.

- "Sir." See, I like that.

- Shows respect. Brownie points there.

- I want you to teach me how to kill them.

Kill them?

- All of them?

- All of them.

But Romeo first.

- He's their leader.

- That's it. That's smart.

You take out the boss first,

the minions just seem to flutter away.

[CHUCKLES]

I suppose this is where I get to tell you...

...that you remind me of me

when I was your age.

But you don't.

You're short, you're ugly

and you can't fight for sh*t.

But there's something about you.

Don't know what it is.

F*** it. You got yourself a deal.

Have a look at this.

Do you know the meaning of "defenestration"?

No.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

MIKE:
Defenestration:

The act of throwing someone out of a window.

It's that one up there.

Now, I couldn't believe

there was an actual word for it.

Look it up in the Oxford English

Dictionary if you don't believe me.

Remember what I told you.

Try and remember not to bottle it.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

I knew that dirty little chav

would take the bait.

It was now or never.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMS]

[THUDS]

They say the first kill's always

the hardest, emotionally.

But the truth is...

...I didn't really feel anything.

[DOOR CLOSES]

- How'd you get on?

- Defenestrated.

Defenestrated. That's great.

But defenestration is the act of...

...shoving somebody out a window,

not tipping them off a balcony.

Didn't do your f***ing homework, did you?

You bring me back me tenner?

Oh, dear.

Don't worry. You can

bring me back 12 quid later...

...or 15 quid tomorrow.

Do you get it? Do you understand?

Good boy. Take a seat.

What goes around comes around.

You think about any funny business with me...

...I'll make sure the right people get

those pics and I will f***ing kill you.

Got it?

Good.

What do you think about learning a trade?

Becoming a hit man?

No, none of that Yank bollocks.

We're British here.

You see, what I am...

...is an assassin.

And I'm offering you an apprenticeship.

Only if you think you're up for it.

Turns out I didn't wanna be

an astronaut after all.

F***, yeah.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

Look at this one...

Look at his supporters right there.

He's gonna suffocate

in his own f***ing underpants.

Over the next few years,

Big Ray taught me everything...

...I needed to know about the dark arts

of his murder methods.

- Gets that anywhere near them...

- Toxicology.

- Shine the light like that? Okay.

- Right in there.

# A baby wailing and stray dog howling #

# The screech of brakes

And lamp light blinking #

I'm only f***ing kidding you, mate.

MIKE:
Long-range weapons,

short-range weapons...

...all sorts of weapons.

Using an odorless accelerant

to catch out those careless smokers.

And he trained me in martial arts...

...taekwondo, karate,

kung fu, Eskrima, Muay Thai.

You name it, we practiced it.

# Lights going out

And a kick in the balls #

# I say that's entertainment #

# That's entertainment #

# Days of speed

And slow time Mondays #

# Pissing down with rain

On a boring Wednesday #

# Watching the news

And not eating your tea #

# A freezing cold flat

And damp on the walls #

# I say that's entertainment #

# That's entertainment ##

MIKE:
Big Ray was tough on me,

yeah, that's for sure.

But iron sharpens iron,

and now I'm as tough as nails.

RAY:
Always remember the three golden rules:

Never get angry...

...never get involved...

...most important of all, never get caught.

I've already broken two of them.

And now I'm in danger of breaking a third.

- What do you want?

- We need to talk.

I have nothing to say to you, so get lost.

I need to know what Beth was

working on before she died, okay?

We were working on our future together.

- A future that didn't include you.

- I know.

But what kind of environmental bollocks

was she working on?

God, and you wonder why she left you.

That environmental bollocks

was the most important thing...

- ...in Beth's life.

- Till you came along?

F*** you.

All right, I'm sorry, okay?

Will you just let me in for one minute?

Charlie.

It's about Beth's death.

I think there's more to it...

...than the police understand.

Just let me in, please.

You got one minute.

Your hair's different.

- Yeah. It changes with the weather.

- Heh.

Maybe that's why Beth left me.

I've had the same hairstyle...

- ...since I was 12.

- Oh, yeah, maybe that's it.

Or the fact that you have a dick.

So, what about Beth's death?

All right, I'll get to the point.

It wasn't just a burglary gone wrong.

She was taken out.

What the hell does "taken out" mean?

You know, professionally, she was taken out.

What, like, you mean, the game show?

No. She was assassinated.

Why would you think that?

I know about this sort of thing.

Okay, if you know something

the rest of us don't...

...maybe you should go to the police

and let them deal with it.

The police won't do anything about it.

- We're better off keeping them out of it.

- We? No, there is no we.

Because according to Beth...

...you're just some city boy

in the middle of a midlife crisis.

[CHUCKLES]

She never knew what I actually did.

Oh, okay. What is it you really do?

I'm a loss adjuster.

Great. Good for you.

- Why do I care?

- I specialize in accidents, okay?

So you have single-handedly

deduced that Beth...

...was assassinated when all

of Scotland Yard thinks different.

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