Accident Man Page #6

- Pretty much.

- Get the f*** out.

I don't give a sh*t

if you believe me or not...

...but Beth was taken out by professionals.

That is a f***ing fact.

She was probably sticking

her nose in somewhere...

...it didn't belong again,

and this time, they've hit back.

- You're serious about this.

- Like a midget in a nudist colony.

Okay, now you're just freaking me out, Mike.

Yeah, that's how I felt

when you told me Beth was pregnant.

Okay, I'm sorry that you had

to find out that way...

...but I didn't want you having anything

to do with our child.

- It wasn't your child, was it?

- Okay, look...

...you were a sh*t boyfriend,

and you would've been...

- ...an even shittier father.

- How do you know?

- Because you're a selfish a**hole.

- Oh, here we go.

You can't deal with the fact

that Beth left you for another woman...

- ...because you're a homophobic prick.

- Whoa, whoa.

Hang on. I haven't got a problem...

- ...with lesbians and gays.

- Well, lesbians are gays.

Whatever. I haven't got

a problem with it, okay?

- Then what is your problem?

- You wanna know?

Yes, I wanna know what your problem is.

All right. Beth's the only girl

I ever really cared about.

Christ, she's the only girl

I never cheated on, for God's sakes.

Wow. Good for you.

Do you want a medal? Because

that's all she ever was to you...

...was some trophy to add to your collection.

Oh, like you can talk. You're no better

than me, you home-wrecker.

Get out.

That was a pretty good punch.

I said, get out.

[SCREAMS]

[CHARLIE SCREAMS]

[MUSIC PLAYING]

[SCREAMING]

Cliff, what the f***?!

[YELLS]

[SCREAMING]

[GASPS]

Jesus Christ, Cliff.

Who sent you to take me out?

- Was it Milton?

- Mike?

Is that you?

- Hello, mate.

- Yeah, it's me, you crazy bastard.

You almost took my f***ing head off.

Sorry about that, mate.

You know how it is.

Once I've flipped that switch...

Who sent you to take me out?

I didn't even know you was here, mate.

Cliff.

Cliff. Cliff, you f***ing crazy bastard.

Who is that?

A friend from the office.

Another loss adjuster?

Yeah, kind of.

He's an assassin, all right? Like me.

What is going on?

Mike, what the hell is going on?

I f***ing kill people for a living,

all right?

It's not glamorous, it doesn't go

down well at cocktail parties...

...but I like the hours,

and it pays the bills.

You listen to me. I need to know what Beth...

...got herself into, and I need to know now.

Charlie, look at me.

Whatever Beth knew,

they think you know as well.

You understand me?

This guy came here for you, not me.

Okay.

She was looking into this...

This oil company...

...where they wanted to drill

in the North Sea.

Go on.

I don't know anything else.

And I, um...

God, her parents. Beth always used to...

...back up her computer

on her dad's hard drive.

There's gotta be some information there.

All right, good, good. Okay,

you get a taxi to Beth's parents.

You stay there. If you hear anything,

you let me know, okay?

I can't believe this is happening.

Yeah, me neither.

I just killed one of my mates.

How the bloody hell do I make this...

- ...look like an accident?

- What?

Never mind. Go on. Get out of here.

Charlie, don't talk to the police.

Screw it.

Sorry, mate.

[MUSIC PLAYING]

This is private club.

- What do you want?

- It's all right. He's with us.

Not your usual hangout, is it, Fred?

There's a lot

you don't know about me, Mike...

...my friend with the bike.

- Where is he?

- Who?

Don't make me do something I'll regret, Fred.

You want me to get rid of him?

Yeah, I think so.

He's in the back.

[UPBEAT POP MUSIC PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]

Oh, yeah. I tell you, my job is so stressful.

The people I have to work with.

[MIKE WHISTLES]

MIKE:
You've been ducking me, Milton.

See, that's the thing about

imported Russian muscle.

If you wanna knock them out,

you gotta hit them f***ing hard.

Preferably with something metal and heavy.

Mike, you don't wanna do this.

- You know the rules.

- Rules?

- Yeah.

- No, no, no.

You don't get to talk to me about rules.

Anyway, don't know what you're talking about.

Haven't laid a finger on you. Yet.

You're jeopardizing your own position.

Don't be a fool.

Oh, dear.

I've only gone and done it, haven't I?

You know what? It was a mistake,

and no one has to know.

Just between you and me. Just...

- Jesus Christ, Mikey, stop it!

- Now, I can live with the fact...

...that you still haven't paid me

for two jobs.

I can even live with the fact you sent me...

...on some bullshit money drop turned

into my own assassination attempt.

But the fact that you knew

a hit had been put out...

...on my Beth and went ahead

without consulting me first...

Oh, Milton.

I'm f***ing struggling with that one.

Look, these claims, they're preposterous.

I mean, I had no idea

that the drop was rigged.

- It was a legitimate request.

- Oh, just a coincidence, was it?

Since when have you ever sent

one of us to pick up the money?

- It was a f***ing setup.

- Oh, poppycock!

[SHOUTING IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

- Oi.

- What?

What happened? Where am I?

Oh, Jesus. It's you.

Why don't you just tell me

what you actually want?

I wanna know who paid

for the hit on my Beth...

...and why you took

the f***ing job in the first place.

If I had to discuss every job

that came across my desk...

...with the hired help,

do you think we'd actually...

...get around to killing anyone?

Oh, Jesus Christ!

Ever heard of the term "bastinado," Milton?

What?

It's a type of torture, derived

from the Italian noun bastonata.

It means to stroke,

with the use of a stick...

...usually the soles of the victim's feet.

- Aah!

- Who's the client?

I can't really say.

- Aah!

- The next one'll break bone...

...and you'll never walk the same again.

The one after that, you'll probably

not be able to walk at all.

Okay. Wait, wait, wait.

It was another accountant.

He was a... He was a city boy.

You know the type.

His name?

I don't know.

[SCREAMS]

It was... It was Kent.

Leonard Kent.

- Who does he work for?

- I don't know.

I swear, I really don't know.

We used encrypted e-mails.

Are you holding out on me, Milton?

No, no. No, I swear I'm not.

In the immortal words

of the late Winston Churchill...

...this is a riddle wrapped in

a mystery inside of an enigma.

Well, riddle me this, then, you little twat.

How important is it to you

to be able to walk again? Eh?

Well, then... Well, then go

and do it. All right?

But you will never work in this city again.

Big Ray will hunt you down,

and he will kill you...

[BAT CLATTERS]

F*** it.

[GRUNTS]

[GRUNTS]

What you done, Mike?

Nothing for you to worry about, Fred.

I've been on the phone to Ray.

He wants you to come with me.

Oh, what you gonna do?

Cut me and stick a plaster on it?

If I have to.

- We both know that won't happen, Fred.

- This is tried and tested.

Tell you what. You like a gamble, don't you?

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