Accidental Love Page #2

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- We're going to fix that.

We're going to fix that lickety-split.

We're going to fix it.

You're engaged. We'll have a fundraiser.

You look good.

- Hi, Alice.

- Welcome. Read about the brain surgery.

Hi, read about the brain surgery? How are you?

Read about the brain surgery?

- Here you go. Don't lose that.

- Hey you.

- Hey, Brenda, how are ya?

- You look good.

So do you. Read about the brain surgery?

There's yours.

Oh, that spongy feeling is hard to resist.

That's your brain, you know.

Yeah, that's my brain. So

please stop pushing on it.

- I am a doctor, remember?

- An animal doctor.

- Cows can't tell you when it hurts.

- They can tell me.

Alice, some other people with

uninsured injuries have shown up.

What? Why can't they get their own fundraisers?

No, I think they're here to support you.

It's like a solidarity thing.

- You remember Reverend Norm?

- Hi.

Sorry I haven't been to church in, like,

seven years. I've been pretty busy.

Well, maybe this crisis will bring you

back to God. As it brought Keyshawn.

My own crisis has driven me away. I'm

on a little sabbatical at the moment.

They put him on indefinite leave

because of his medical situation.

- It was a sabbatical.

- They forced him to take a break.

- OK, that's not important.

- Oh, it's important.

He prayed to God to save his 40-year-old marriage.

And God answered with Viagra and Cialis.

And that didn't work. And then he

answered with an experimental super pill.

- I signed a waiver.

- You see this?

- No one wants to hear this.

- Wow.

- OK, super. Let's, uh... let's go, Scott.

- OK.

Did you see the size of that

preacher's basket. Whoa.

Hi, everyone. I just want to thank you

all for coming. You're all under arrest.

Just kidding. I just wanted to say that

it's time to make a request for donations.

So I wanted to say that...

Sorry. Sorry. Alice, the speakers aren't

wired right. Fix something, please.

OK, I've prepared some remarks. Please don't leave.

Why is everyone leaving?

6.33, 6.34.

Some stupid change from Cousin Al.

Does the bank even cash a check for a dollar?

That's from Jim. People said they woulda gave

more if it was another organ like a kidney.

What's she supposed to do?

Stick a nail in her liver?

I specifically asked for the

speakers to be wired...

- I tried.

- It's not cool when you can't get

financial backing from white people.

We'll just have to get the funds the

old-fashioned way. Work and save.

I can't. I got fired.

That's bad for business.

Nobody gets everything, remember, Alice?

Hang in there.

There's gotta be something we can do.

News flash, I've been a large

animal vet for 23 years.

I've seen pitchforks and backhoes imbedded

in cow heads. I think I can handle this.

I do not approve. You do not

have my consent, Alice.

This nail is coming between you and me

and everything, Scotty. It's got to go.

If something goes wrong, don't blame me.

Hey! I don't want talk like

that in my operating theater.

- Not my fault.

- Anesthesia.

- Pass the anesthesia.

- It's how the cowboys did it.

- Hey, why are you drinking that?

- Yeah. Why is the doctor drinking?

- Steadies the hands.

- I like her.

- Maybe she could do us next, Rev.

- Uhh, let's, uh, let's see how this goes, first.

Google doesn't show much similarity

between a cow brain and a human brain.

Google's not always right, you know.

Neither is Wikipedia.

I think kids just make up stuff there.

- Reverend, please.

- Prayer.

Bless this crazy, scary ramshackle operation.

Guide Rita's hands. Protect Alice, Amen.

OK, here's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna take these tweezers...

and I'm gonna go in about

three-and-a-half to four centimeters.

And I'm gonna find that nail.

I have to...

I gotta get down in there pretty...

What? I can't even see the nail, exactly.

- God, I hope I'm not just making the hole bigger.

- Then stop!

Wait, wait!

- We're hitting nail.

- OK.

- You can do this.

- Good.

I got it, got it, got it. Oh, I lost the grip.

- Come on.

- I lost it.

It's like a watermelon seed. You know, slip...

Damn, Alice!

Oh, boy. Oh, boy.

- Son of a b*tch! I hate all you people!

- Alice! Wha...

- Jesus, it's like the exorcist.

- Damn it, Rita, you hit the angry brain part.

- You disturbed the nail, Rita!

- I did the best I could with what I had!

I'm just scared. I'm really scared.

Where's my brain?

- What happened to her face?

- What happened to my face?

It's just soot, baby. Now, everybody

back up and give her some room.

That's what we do with a mad cow.

That is what we do.

Alright, you got to treat this

like an unpredictable gunman.

Engage and contain. You all stay back. Alice?

We're just two people talkin' here, right?

No one needs to get hurt today.

- Scott, I'm so nervous.

- I'm going to help.

Give me the poker.

And do exactly as I say. I want

you to breath in... and breath out.

You work for the government. Can you

have the government fix my head?

That's an insane thought. Block it out.

"Oh, the government has to pay

for my Bluetooth Oakleys,

and my photon tasers, but

to pay for Alice's surgery,

that's insane because we had to sit

at the dangerous Gondola table."

That table is very romantic 99% of the time.

- It's the nail talking, Scott.

- She loved the Gondola table.

I just don't think she really

appreciates all of the time and energy

that I spent planning that proposal.

You know, it was about us.

And now it's about her. You know, "I'm hurt.

- I need the attention."

- She doesn't want this attention.

You think I want this attention?

I can't control this.

Did you resize my ring? Why don't

you resize it for this finger?

OK, that's unacceptable.

I'm sorry. I don't know what's happening to me.

Alright, that's it.

We need some space.

He broke it off. That's cold.

I do not know what that meant.

I-I think she's asking you, in Portuguese,

if you're breaking up with her.

Are you, Scott, breaking up with me?

Are you ending our engagement?

I don't want to, but right now the odds

are looking 65-35 that you, Alice,

are turning into an angry,

panicky Portuguese mess.

Maybe there's an 80 to 70% chance of us

getting back together if you get fixed.

But that depends on how long it takes.

You left the door open a crack.

But that never works out.

- It's a mirage.

- You just broke up with me.

Yes. It has to be this way. I'm sorry.

It's necessary.

- What happened to nobody getting hurt today?

- Things don't always go as planned.

- Scott, Scott.

- No, Scott, don't go. No, please.

- I'm sorry.

- Won't you please stay, Scott?

- Come on, Scott.

- No, Scott.

- Don't do it, man!

- Just let it out.

- Scotty!

- Yeah.

You can stay here with us... for a little while.

- Hi.

- Hello, Reverend, Keyshawn.

- How's our girl doing?

- Well, there's a weensy tad of depression

kicking in since the breakup, but she'll

perk right up when she sees you two.

- Would you like to come in?

- Well, thank you.

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