Accidental Love Page #3

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Honey. Look who's here.

- Alice, what's up?

- Hi, Alice.

Yikes.

- She should go outside and get some air.

- Get out of the house.

No, no. That really didn't work

so well with the anger thing.

Angry rappers helped me to cope with

my messed up medical situation, too.

What exactly is your messed up

medical situation, Keyshawn?

We never got a chance to hear that.

Believe me, you do not want to hear about it.

We want to hear all about it.

Misery loves company, right, honey?

- Yes, please.

- Thank you.

My name is Keyshawn McWilliams.

I couldn't get the attention

of this very fine la-de-da-de.

So I decided to get into the

Pro Am Weightlifting circuit.

I worked my way to the semi-finals

where I was about to break the dead

lift record to clean jerk 250.

And then you couldn't and you hurt your back.

Well, I clean jerked 250.

And I learned a new word called

"prolapse", which applies to the anus.

OK, that's enough. I really don't

want to get Alice riled up.

You never know what's gonna set her

off with this thing in her head.

What you watching?

Bob?

Find something soothing for Alice.

Bob?

And I'm glad to be... out here helping the people.

I-I like people. I love gettin'

out of the law office.

And, uh, you know, going local, hearin'

the people, smellin' the people.

Umm...

Government.

If anyone has a problem from our district

that can be fixed by a law, I'm your man.

You're invited to come visit

me any time in Washington.

That's me. I'm invited. I

gotta go talk to that guy.

That idiot can't help you, Alice.

It's that idiot's job to help me, Mom.

He just said so,

and he's not such a big idiot. He was

kind and thoughtful. I could tell.

Let's turn a problem into an idea

I could get fixed. I could come home, marry Scott.

And then everything would be good again.

Well, it's the first time I've seen her

enthusiastic in nearly three weeks.

No. No, Bob. She's not going to Washington.

I can't take this anymore.

I have to get out of here,

I have to fix my head. I've got to meet that guy.

- What guy?

- Scott.

You see, Alice? Now you don't

need to go to Washington.

- Did you really come back for me, Scott?

- Honestly, I came to get my belt sander.

And to see if you got fixed. But

I guess that didn't happen.

What's with this Washington business?

That doesn't sound good.

- It's where I'm going to get help.

- That's your crazy brain turning on itself, Alice.

You can't fix a crazy brain with crazy thinkin'.

That's broken talking to broken.

It's not broken talkin' to broken.

It's a good idea.

Or an idea. It's the only one we've got.

It's not a good one.

Maybe this is a-a, a calling of some kind.

Travel with Keyshawn would be like...

Jesus spending his days with

prostitutes and-and lepers.

Thank you.

No, no, no, Reverend. You

c-you can't encourage this.

Listen to me, there is a 105% chance

that Washington is a terrible idea.

Bob, belt sander?

OK, but I may need to borrow it back if I have

to build those... wheelchair ramps for Alice.

I still totally want to talk if you get fixed.

I'm sorry. Tours are over for today.

Oh, we're not here for a tour. We're

here to see Mr. Howard Birdwell.

OK, Miss, I'm going to have

to ask you to step back...

- Don't worry. Just this.

- Gun!

It's not loaded.

Oh, my God, I'm shot!

You're alright, you're alright.

Alright. Alright, I'm not shot.

But I am traumatized, though.

- Bring her over here.

- Sorry. I'm sorry.

- I can't work no more.

- What is this?

I brought it to show Howard

Birdwell what happened to me.

Yeah, it wouldn't have fired

if she hadn't grabbed it.

- Well, what was I supposed do to?

- Yeah. She's a security guard.

And a super fine one. Wow, what is your name?

Rakeesha. Everybody call me Ra-Ra.

My name is Keyshawn. My people call me Ki-Ki.

- Baby, your trauma is turning me on.

- Oh, Jesus.

Let me apologize for my insensitive white friends.

And take you to Benihana's and

smooth your trauma with a sake bomb.

- What? You guys are going right now?

- We-we, we just got here. What ab...

In the black community,

that's how quick it happens.

- What about our-our, our mission?

- And our dream?

What about binding the nation's wounds?

What happened to that?

Good luck.

OK, well, I guess it's just you and me.

Let's go. Alright.

- You ready?

- Yeah.

Hi, welcome. Information's over there.

And signups for appointments

take two to three weeks.

Oh, my God, is that him?

Yes, but he's very busy on important legislation.

I'm starting to think sex is overrated, you know.

I mean, half the time the connection is so-so.

And then you're involved and

then blah, blah, you know?

I mean, come on, I'd rather be playing golf, Mom.

Yes, I know I have a natural charisma, but

I can't get anything done around here.

It's like... it's like I just can't

even get colored glues for my kids.

- It's killing me. I ran on that.

- Hey, we can't just walk in like this.

But he's right there.

Oh, my God, Representative Hendrickson.

What an honor.

- Is he in? She's in a hurry.

- Sir, the House Whip is here!

You have to change for the prayer lunch.

- Howard?

- What?

- You're in the hot seat, mister.

- What? I voted yes on triple razor wires.

I'm not talking about the stupid immigration bill.

My moon base is in trouble.

- There was opposition ads.

- What about the opposition ads?

- It was very effective opposition ads.

- Effective how?

They want to spend the money on schools and

parks and not a military base on the moon.

We are gonna get that same school, park,

whatever people to say my moon

base will massage their needs.

I didn't know a moon base could do that.

It protects us, right? Keeps

us safe and non-blown up.

- Is that Pam Henry, the lady astronaut?

- Yes, it is.

- Oh, my God.

- Seriously, you have to go now.

- Oh, I was invited.

- The House Whip is here.

- Please, can you come back tomorrow?

- Tomorrow?

Why are you still here?

'Cause we have that meeting event this week.

And I need you to get someone with

a good cause who's manageable...

controllable...

who will come and endorse... our moon base.

- This week?

- Didn't the school kids just come visit you?

Yeah, they were surprisingly

hard on me for eight-year-olds

and I wouldn't really wanna have them back.

You gotta get someone, Howard.

The moon is my church.

- I know it is.

- It's a really special place.

This country deserves to

have a military base there.

- Hey.

- Bill.

I have very good news. Girl

Squaws... making us a cookie.

- What?

- Yes.

- No way.

- Yes.

- A Girl Squaw cookie?

- Yes.

- For the moon base.

- Yes!

You have any idea how important that is?

It's like getting national landmark status.

I know, I know. How the hell did you do that?

Because I told them we would get

Shakira for the National Jamboree.

That's what I'm talking about.

- I gotta work.

- Yeah.

- Go get 'em.

- Way to go!

- Burning up the track.

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