Accidental Love Page #4

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- Burn, baby, burn.

Shakira?

- How did he get Shakira?

- Well, maybe he did, maybe he didn't.

The important thing is that he

got the Girl Squaws on board.

In a huge way.

Oh, look at that. I bet he got the Boy Cubs, too.

- What?

- You gotta change for the prayer lunch.

This always excites people,

because it's been to outer space

three times, on her body.

Could you shut the door and

give me some privacy, please?

You gotta step up, Howard. There are

100 guys I could groom to replace you.

So get someone to the media event.

Zip me.

I get it, OK? She's a total ball-breaker.

It's very short notice.

And, frankly, not the best idea to

recruit people who aren't prepared

- or rehearsed to go on camera.

- What about the prayer lunch?

- I'm right behind you.

- Now.

I did eight years in NASA

tech support for her, OK?

Another 15 years here, OK? She's brilliant

unless she goes off on her own.

Then it's a big mess. Nightmare.

That's what I'm talking about.

What are you doing?

So you better do what I'm saying, OK?

We're not gonna repeat it again.

All this way and he won't even see us.

OK, do you know what?

This is what we're gonna do. We're

gonna go in one of those offices

and we are gonna introduce ourselves

to another one of those guys.

- My dick is killing me.

- Oh, geez.

I'm sorry to say it like that, I've

been around Keyshawn too much.

Is it bad?

It's really hard to walk. It's really...

really chafing.

- OK, you need to go to the motel.

- No, I want to be here for you.

No, go to the motel, I insist. Take a bath.

There's gotta be an ice machine.

That would be nice.

- Go.

- You gonna be OK?

- Yeah.

- I expect a full report.

OK.

Feel better.

We're having a meeting in here, sorry.

Piece of sh*t democracy. I smash your face.

- Mr. Birdwell? I'm from your district.

- Yes?

I saw you on TV. You were great.

And you were real.

I came to see you today, but

they wouldn't let me see you.

Oh, well, it's been a very hectic day. Um...

- You have very soft hand skin.

- Oh, thank you. I roller skate a lot.

- Don't know what that has to do with my hands.

- Ah, who knows?

Sometimes the wind can make your skin

smooth or rough or... I don't know.

Anyway, what brings you to DC?

I came to see you because I wanna help

people that have weird conditions

that they can't afford to fix.

I guess that's healthcare.

Oh! Dear. That's, uh... not very manageable.

In fact, that's kind of a bummer issue.

I'm sorry...

- Bummer issue?

- It takes a really long time. Really. I mean,

good luck with that because I'm just a

freshman doing freshman things, so...

Why do you invite people down here then?

Why do you say you can help?

Well, you don't think I want to help?

I want to help people.

It's just it has to be the

right thing at the right time.

I mean, it's not very practical, OK?

- Look, I'm just trying to, I'm sorry.

- Practical?

I'm under a lot of pressure right now.

Do you see these offices?

Every single one of 'em has a different

person above me who tells me what to do.

They tell me what time it is, what day it is,

and when they tell me to "jump, Howard,"

I say how high, Mr. or Mrs.... or exactly.

Wow, yes. See? That's what I'm talking about.

Now you're hearing me. It's

hard working for the people.

It's hard working, even getting

colored glues for the kids,

for the kids' people, OK?

So I don't understand, you

know, I'm trying to be...

That was weird. Didn't mean to do that at all.

No, it's understandable. There's the

whole political rock star mystique.

That was really inappropriate. I shouldn't...

No, it's inappropriate here. But it's not

inappropriate in, um... right in here.

Nothing wrong with what you did.

Nothing wrong with what you did.

- There.

- Watch out for the...

Sorry. Oh, yes. Oh, daddy.

Do you have any...

- Yeah, just wait, my hands are...

- Let me have it.

Oh, God, wait...

Yeah.

Orgasms do exist. Yay.

I've had some really, really good sex,

but that was something completely new.

Oh, my God, I'm a dirty little nail slut.

What's a nail slut?

I have a three-inch nail in here.

And it sometimes makes me do crazy things.

And now it made me get slutty, damn it.

There's a nail in your head...

and it's neurologically making you a whore?

Yeah. What's your excuse?

Well, I... what's to excuse? I think this

is a case of great timing and good luck.

Well, I never would have normally done

something like this except for this.

Well, I mean, it can't all be the nail, you know.

I've been told that I have... charisma.

Yes, you do. But it was the nail, OK?

Well, I'm gonna have to disagree.

- And now I'm gonna have to leave.

- What?

Wait, wait, wait! What about

problem, problem, problem?

Problem right here, going to turn my problem

into an idea. What about that, mister?

What happened to that?

You're...

you're appealing.

Look, before, I thought that you

were some sort of, you know,

a not manageable policy

problem, but now you're like...

a girl with a nail in her head, and that's...

very interesting and very human.

Have you ever been to a military

media moon base event before?

Uhh... I don't think so, no.

Well, I'm inviting you to one...

where you can help us, OK?

Well, wait a minute, I thought I

was the one that needed help.

Well, no, honey, in this town, you

gotta give something to get something.

Didn't we just have sex?

I mean, you got to politically give something

- to politically get something.

- Right.

You help me promote the moon base and

I'll get you your healthcare bill.

But I don't know anything about a moon base.

All you need to know is that it

keeps us safe... and non-blown up.

And it's on the moon.

A military moon base? What's a moon base do?

All you need to know is that it keeps us

safe and non-blown up. And it's on the moon.

And if we get behind that, then

he's gonna help us with our thing.

Ahh! That's how it works.

One hand washes the other.

- You know, it's amazing.

- What? What's amazing, Norm?

It's just so unbelievable to me that...

one brief hallway conversation,

you agreed on all that.

I mean, just a little talk is just so

unheard of in Washington for people to...

Well, that's what happened.

That's all that happened.

- I'm not lying and I'm not a liar.

- I'm not calling you a liar.

Well, good, 'cause I'm not. Gee, did you...

do something different?

You look really sexy or something, or...

Did you do something with your hair?

- I don't have any hair.

- Yeah, OK.

- Keyshawn.

- Where have you been?

Chilling with Rakeesha.

Ah-ha!

So she's into "playas," after all. I

ran the youth outreach program, so

I know all about the jiggy and the

freaking and what the kids are into.

It don't matter. 'Cause she's

strong and she's deep.

And she loves to do beautiful

watercolors like this.

Bam!

How you like me now?

Oh, wow. Is that your head

on a wolf's body crying?

She sees me as the leader of the pack

helping all the injured, poor, weak wolves.

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