Accidents Happen Page #4

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experiment went wrong,

or right,

if you're Gene.

And I know it's

another day and,

I can't--

It's another day

and I can't go.

You look like hell.

You always knew

how to sweet talk me.

Im not signing

the divorce papers,

so let's not

pretend this is

about sweet talking.

Im not gonna come back.

What do you think

they're talking about?

Probably what a

little p*ssy you are.

The divorce, dipshit!

Can you hear anything?

His balls

being crunched.

What balls?

Sh, I-I can hear Dad.

Dad just said

Billy's a f*ggot.

Whenever the sh*t hits

the fan, you're the

one to check out.

Don't.

Nobody's meant

to get out of

this easily.

The boys hate you,

you know that.

No.

We have a son

who is never

gonna come home.

God damn us

to Hell's A**hole

that we don't have

a home for him to

come home to.

What can I say?

Im the spokesman

for the useless bastards

everywhere, and Im sorry.

We can't wait

for Gene to die, Gloria.

We'll waste away with

him. Lose all feeling.

Knock it off!

Knock it off!

He's drunk.

Im not.

What happened

to your back?

Billy went streaking!

I did not.

He's lying.

With Douglas Post.

That's completely nuts.

He's an alcoholic!

Hey, hey, that's

enough. That's enough!

See all the fun you've

been missing out on?

Let's go. You're

coming with me.

Happy now?

What, that I got

burned with a TV dinner?

Larry is more

hurt than anyone.

Even Gene.

Hey, it'll be

better now, Ma.

I promise.

How in the hell

is that supposed

to happen?

Im divorced.

Divorced.

I have one child

who's dead, one

who is a vegetable.

Another one who

apparently is a drunk.

And you. You, who

I thought I could trust,

take off your clothes

and run through stores

stealing things!

That wasn't me!

I wasn't born in

Stupidville anytime

around breakfast.

I'll call your

father back here.

He can take you, too.

Larry threw the dinner

at me and, I don't know,

I needed

to not kill him.

And Doug Post

happened to come by.

Douglas Goddamn Post!

What in the name

of Retarded Bill are you

doing hanging around with him?

Im not hanging

around with him.

So Douglas Goddamn Post

just happens to come

by here? Please, explain.

Yeah, he was going to the

store and wanted to know

if we needed anything.

And you said, yeah, I need

to air my balls and steal

things from Drummonds.

I swear to God if I

catch you with that

son of a b*tch again,

I am gonna burn a much bigger

patch on your thieving,

sneaking little back.

Do you hear me?

And you won't.

I promise.

B-12.

My Dougie was

such a big help

through everything.

I don't know what

I would have done.

You know, Douglas

is a good kid.

He was so upset.

G-52.

Where was that number

when it would have

done me some good?

He's just like

the rest of the

useless bastards.

Who?

The doofus up there

with the little balls.

He's single.

1-16. Sweet 16.

What'd you think of

Bob? From the wake?

He's very nice.

The daughter's

a panoramic fruit display.

You don't have

to date her.

There's some big

shindig on over at

the navy base tonight.

I could ring him,

if you want.

Billy thinks

it's a good idea.

O-68.

Did he put you

up to this?

Oh. Bingo! Bingo!

Ladies and gentlemen,

we have a winner.

Great. She's funding

a color scheme.

So, whose

house is this?

Just you wait.

It's so nice

finally to meet

you, Billy.

Your father has told me

so much about you.

He hasn't said

anything about you.

Yeah, I know.

We were keeping

it under wraps

until we were sure,

you know, of us.

Higher.

Meat's almost ready.

So, are you sure?

Yes, Larry,

we're very sure.

Because Connie's pregnant.

Larry! Honestly.

Your brother is

such a joker.

So, you're not pregnant?

Where'd you get

that idea? Ray?

I heard you two

talking about it.

Billy, push.

Well, we're not

really sure about it.

You know, five weeks.

Higher!

Oh, Ray, it's on fire!

Oh.

Hey, will I pass

in a crowd?

Depends on how

big it is.

About as big as that blood

clot on your face. What the

hell happened now?

We went to the fun park.

Fun park?

Yeah, it wasn't

much fun. Why are

you all dressed up?

Fun park?

Yes, I banged

my nose on the bar.

I've got a date

with your friend

Bob. Remember him?

I was about to take

an estrogen tablet. Oh.

And a nerve pill.

Make that two nerve pills.

Oh.

Your earrings

aren't right.

You're definitely

gonna pass.

Oh.

Hey, stop.

That's to keep you

out of trouble.

All right, I need

to practice dancing.

Oh! What are you doing?

I don't know.

Maybe he hurt his

leg since we saw him.

I don't care

if they were both

blown off at the hip.

He better drag his

goddamn ass to the door

or Im not going anywhere.

You get it.

Hello, Gloria.

You're looking nice.

Sorry if Im late. I--

That wasn't the sorry

I was looking for.

You remember Billy? Bob.

Hi, Billy.

Ouch.

Billy, hi.

Come on in.

You smell nice.

I do not.

Sorry.

You're not gonna

bust my balls all

night, are you?

Look who's here.

Hi. Billy.

Hi, Mrs. Post.

My mom just went

off on her date.

Thank you for

the update.

I mean, it was nice

of you to set it up

and all. Thank you.

Well, I just came by

to say thanks. Again.

And see what

Katrina was doing.

Bob is a very nice man.

I hope so.

Want some cake?

Yes, we have

plenty of cake.

You're full

of surprises.

Surprises?

Oh, God, I haven't

danced in a long time.

I assume Dottie told

you about everything

that's happened.

Well, I hope so.

I'd hate for there

to be more.

I miss my father

and everything, but--

Does that sound bad?

I miss my father and

everything, but?

It's just that he could

be such a mental case

when he wanted to be.

I think I ought to be

able to make some

mistakes sometimes.

My mom can get kind

of screw-loosy, too.

She went full scale

psychiatric at me

the other night.

What did you do?

I got caught streaking.

Streaking? That was you?

Oh, my God!

That was you!

Who was the other guy?

My brother.

Weird, but okay, I guess.

My Aunt Louise

gave it to me.

You'll get used to it.

You wanna kiss

for a while?

Come on, streaker.

I--yeah, okay.

Then can we get

some more cake?

Not like that.

So, how did

your wife die?

Uh, electrocuted.

Oh, God.

Washing dishes.

Wow.

Sorry.

Im sorry, it just

caught me by surprise.

I hate doing

the dishes!

Yeah, so do I.

You would.

Oh, God.

Where have you been?

At your house.

Looking for you.

The official police

report came through.

It says my father

committed suicide.

Wow, that's good,

isn't it?

No. The insurance

company doesn't

pay for suicide.

Oh. Oh.

We have to go

to the Police.

Are you crazy, Doug?

My mom would--

I've got a mother,

too, you know.

Hey, it'll be all right.

You know, like I said,

this sh*t happens.

You've just got

to forget about it.

I can't. My mother

has to get a crap job.

Im messing up at school.

Don't play the sob

story game with me,

okay, Doug?

Because I'll win.

Like hands down.

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