Ace Ventura: Pet Detective
- PG-13
- Year:
- 1994
- 86 min
- 1,345 Views
EXT. STREET - DAY
A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling
and carelessly tossing a
package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He
passes a professional woman.
UPS MAN:
Good morning, UPS!
He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges
another passerby.
UPS MAN:
UPS, good to see you!
He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high
into the air, spins completely
around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic
man passes.
UPS MAN:
Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.
The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing
basketball. He runs up the front
steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and
inadvertently flings the package
behind him and back down the steps.
He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.
INT. LOBBY - DAY
Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but
the door closes on the
package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.
INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY
ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor
and starts
kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick
APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.
We hear a small dog barking.
GRUFF MAN (O.S.)
Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!
An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.
GRUFF MAN:
What do you want?
UPS MAN:
UPS, sir. And how are you this
afternoon? Alrighty then!
The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50
of that is chest hair. A
small Shiatsu stands beside him.
UPS MAN:
I have a package for you.
The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear
broken glass inside. The
man takes the package.
GRUFF MAN:
It sounds broken.
UPS MAN:
Most likely sir! I bet it was
something nice though! Now... I
haver an insurance form. If you'll
just sign here, here, and here,
and initial here, and print your name
here, we'll get the rest of the
forms out to you as soon as we
can.
The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his
tail and whines. We can see
UPS MAN:
That's a lovely dog you have. Do
you mind if I pet him, sir?
GRUFF MAN:
(mumbles)
I don't give a rat's ass.
The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet
talk.
UPS MAN:
Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!
GRUFF MAN:
(under breath)
Brother.
Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes
the form again.
UPS MAN:
That's fine sir. I can fill out
the rest. You just have yourself
a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye
'bye, then!
THRASH MUSIC STARTS
INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D
The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.
INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D
The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the
TV.
EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D
The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street
very quickly. He passes
several people.
UPS MAN:
(quickly)
UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin'
through.
INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D
We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door.
He has not moved an inch.
GRUFF MAN:
Hey, stupid! Get away from the
door!
The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and
heads for the dog.
GRUFF MAN:
What's the matter with you, I said
GIT!!!
He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns
it around we see that it is a
stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have
been had by Ace Ventura -
Pet Detective." He breathes fire.
GRUFF MAN:
Son of a b*tch!
He smashes the dog to the ground.
EXT. ALLEY - CONT'D
As the UPS Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot
belly and the Shiatsu's head
sticks out. Ace is gloating.
ACE:
(announcer's voice)
That was a close one, ladies and
gentlemen. Unfortunately, in
every contest, there must be...
A LOOSER!
He jumps into an old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto
the passenger seat.
ACE (CONT'D)
LOOOHOOOSERRRHERRR!
He then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's
filled with puppy chow.
He tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots
him a look.
ACE:
(to dog)
No problem, it gets flooded.
We'll just wait a few seconds.
Ace sits back. SMASH!!!
From Ace's POV we see a Baseball bat shatter the front windshield.
ACE:
Or, we could try it now.
Ace frantically tries to start the car. His new friend continues
around the car beating the living sh*t
out of it.
ACE:
Oooh, boy.
ACE'S POV
We see the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.
ACE:
Warning! A**holes are closer than
they appear!
The dog is barking insanely.
ACE:
(to dog)
You think you can do better?!
The baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.
ACE:
Wanna give me a push while you're
back there?
BOOM! The back window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life.
Ace rejoices.
ACE:
FARFEGNUGENNNNN!!!
Ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody
murder.
Ace and his new pal speed away freely.
Close on the happy dog, hanging his head out the car window. PAN
across the broken windshield
to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where he's going.
The car drives by a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a
picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's
seat.
THRASH MUSIC ENDS
INT. HOUSE - DAY
A very sexy woman is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.
WOMAN:
My little baby. You missed mommy
didn't you? Did daddy hurt you?
I won't let him, no I won't. He
may have kept the big screen TV,
but he's not gonna keep my baby.
No he isn't.
(very sexy to Ace)
Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I
ever repay you?
She slinks over to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.
ACE:
Well, the reward would be good,
and there was some damage to my �
She cuts Ace off with a devastating kiss.
WOMAN:
Would you like me to take you
pants off instead?
ACE:
Ummmm� Sure.
She pulls him toward the bedroom.
WOMAN:
It takes a big man to stand up to
my husband. He's already put two
of my lovers in the hospital.
ACE:
How did he find out? Does he have
you followed.
WOMAN:
No� I tell him
She plants a kiss on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto
the bed.
EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - DAY
The stands are empty, but there's plenty happening on the field. The
Miami Dolphins are
practicing. Dan Marino is in top form, hitting pass after pass.
Behind one of the goal posts, the team's mascot, a rare dolphin
(SNOWFLAKE), wearing #4, is
practicing his routine. The Trainer is dressed like a quarterback.
TRAINER:
Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!
Snowflake swims over, snatches a small football out of the Trainer's
hand, and does an end zone
dance on his tail. He then returns the ball to the trainer.
The Trainer now sets the ball on the dolphin's tail and snowflake
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"Ace Ventura: Pet Detective" Scripts.com. STANDS4 LLC, 2024. Web. 22 Nov. 2024. <https://www.scripts.com/script/ace_ventura:_pet_detective_920>.
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