Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #2

DISSOLVE TO:

EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - NIGHT

The stadium is now completely empty. Snowflake peacefully swims around

his tank.

Suddenly, the water is illuminated by the headlights of an n.d. panel

truck.

The rear door slides open. Two men jump out in wet suits.

They slip into the water while a third waits outside the tank.

Snowflake surfaces to check out the action. One of the men holds out a

fish. Snowflake eagerly

takes it, then shudders as a large syringe is stuck into his back.

Snowflake thrashes around.

Quick cut of a hand with the blur of a ring slamming against the tank.

But the needle has done its

job. Snowflake quickly goes limp.

Snowflake is loaded into the back of the truck. Move in on Snowflake's

face. His excited cackle

has turned into a painful whimper.

The truck skids away passing the guard gate. The guard is hog tied and

gagged, struggling to free

himself.

INT. ADELLE'S FRIENDLY PET SHOP - NEXT DAY

Close up on a dead goldfish laying on a newspaper. We pull back to

reveal ADELLE

ROSENBERG, the seventy year old owner of a cluttered pet shop. She's

handing a live goldfish in

a bag to JENNIFER, a very sweet nine year old.

ADELLE:

Here you go, honey. Now

remember� this kind of fish

doesn't like it in the freezer.

JENNY:

But what's gonna happen to Dolly?

ADELLE:

Don't worry, I'll make sure she

gets a proper burial.

Jennifer exits. Adelle calls to her cat, and tosses it the goldfish.

The cat catches it in mid-air.

ADELLE:

Rest in peace.

Ace enters the pet shop. It looks like he slept in his clothes.

ADELLE:

Well� here comes another dead

fish.

ACE:

Hi, beautiful. What time do you

get off?

ADELLE:

Uh oh.

ACE:

(suggestively)

I've heard some pretty great

things about your kibble.

ADELLE:

Well, I hope I'm not getting a

reputation.

ACE:

(switching to mock anger)

Just get me the food!

She chuckles at Ace as she loads a couple of bags with different kinds

of pet food.

ADELLE:

So� ahh, when can I expect you

to pay your tab?

ACE:

I'm a little bit Sli Pickins,

right now, I'm a little Tight

Squeeze Louise, a little Welfare

Wolly, Potless Pissing Pete, I'm

ah �

ADELLE:

If you were a horse I'd shoot ya'.

Just take it.

ACE:

Gravy! I'm good for it, Adelle.

I'm on a very big case right now.

Ace reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a flyer with a picture

of a white pigeon.

ACE:

See this pigeon? It's a true

albino. Some rich guy lost it.

He's offering a ten thousand

dollar reward.

ADELLE:

Wow, albino pigeons are very

rare. How are you going to find

him?

ACE:

Just keep my eyes open, and hope

to god it doesn't snow.

Ace grabs his bags and heads for the door.

ADELLE:

You're a good boy, Ace. A good

boy.

He holds the door open for an elderly gentleman who is entering at the

same time. The gentleman

is walking a toy poodle on a leash. The poodle is dragging its butt

along the entire length of the

floor. Ace and Adelle just stare.

ELDERLY MAN:

(in a loud voice)

Do you have anything for ringworm?

EXT. SURFSIDE APARTMENT COMPLEX - DAY

Ace enters the courtyard of a two story U-shaped apartment complex

carrying his groceries. It's a

crappy joint but he calls it home. Inside an open apartment on the

ground floor, the landlord, MR.

SHICKADANCE, sits watching TV, stuffing his face with cheese doodles.

Ace sneaks past the

door and up the stairs.

EXT. SECOND FLOOR - DAY

Ace is just putting the key in the door when the landlord steps up

behind him. Ace is startled by

the dreaded 'Shickadance Rasp' (not unlike Linda Blair in THE

EXORCIST).

LANDLORD:

Venturaaaaa?

Ace straightens up, but doesn't turn around.

ACE:

Yes, Satan?

Now Ace turns around in mock surprise.

ACE:

Oh, I'm sorry, sir. You sounded

like someone else.

LANDLORD:

Never mind the wise cracks

Venturaaa. You owe me rent!

ACE:

Mr. Shickadance� I told you,

you're my first priority! As soon

as I find the white pigeon,

you're paid!!

LANDLORD:

I heard animals in there Ventura!

I heard 'em again this morning,

scratchin' around.

ACE:

I never bring my work home with

me, sir.

The landlord notices the bags of kibble.

LANDLORD:

Oh, yeah? What's all this pet

food for?

ACE:

(beat)

Fiber.

The landlord isn't buying it.

ACE:

You wanna take a look for

yourself? Go head.

Ace rattles his keys in the door. Then he swings it open and turns on

the light. The house is clear.

Ace walks in as the landlord stands there snooping and sniffing the

air.

ACE:

Well� are you satisfied?

LANDLORD:

(still suspicious)

Yeah, but don't ever let me catch

you with an animal in there,

that's all!

ACE:

Okay then. Take care now. 'Bye

'bye.

The landlord walks away as Ace closes the door.

ACE:

(quietly to himself)

LLOOSER.

He then turns to the room and gives a distinct whistle.

CHAOS ENSUES! Animals jump out from every direction. Lizards crawl out

of drawers, birds fly

through the air, all of them gravitating to Ace.

ACE:

(to his flock)

Ooshhooboobooboodoodoo!

INT. MIAMI DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS - LATER THAT DAY

The very imposing office of BOBBY RIDDLE, owner of the Miami Dolphins.

Riddle, 70, is a

take charge, doesn't take crap from anyone type of guy. He is yelling

at ROGER PODACTER,

an ex-linebacker in his early sixties, and MELISSA ROBINSON,

Podacter's attractive assistant.

RIDDLE:

I just want to know one thing; How

the hell do you lose a 500 pound

fish?!

Melissa's about to speak but hesitates.

RIDDLE (CONT.)

What?

MELISSA:

It's not a fish, sir. It's a

mammal.

An angry Riddle stands up.

RIDDLE:

Oh, thank you very much, Mrs.

Jacque Cousteau!

PODACTER:

Bob, she didn't mean anything by

it.

RIDDLE calms down a little, and sits.

RIDDLE:

(calmer)

Listen, personally, I don't give a

good god damn about a fish.

He looks at Melissa. She doesn't dare say anything.

RIDDLE (CONT.)

All I care about is winning this

Super Bowl! I want the players'

head in the right place. Sh*t,

Roger, you've been in this game

long enough, you know how

superstitious players are. Our

quarterback's been putting his

socks on backwards since high

school. And I got a lineman who

hasn't washed his jock in two

years because he thinks flies are

lucky! I want that god damn fish

on the field Super Bowl Sunday!

FIND THE FISH, OR FIND NEW JOBS!

INT. HALLWAY - CONTINUOUS ACTION

An upset Podacter and Melissa walk through the hallway.

PODACTER:

Why did it have to happen now? I

got three stinking years left till

retirement.

MELISSA:

I've got forty.

PODACTER:

I'll tell you who did it. It was

those goddamn animal rights nuts!

Always out there with their

goddamn signs, ANIMALS WERE BORN

FREE, STOP TORTURING SNOWFLAKE!

That goddamn fish lives better than

they do!

They stop outside Melissa's office by her secretary's desk.

MELISSA:

The police are checking into the

animal rights people.

(to secretary)

Martha, have the police called

back about the dolphin yet?

MARTHA:

No, but I wanted to tell you, when

I lost my Cuddles, I hired a pet

detective.

PODACTER:

A what?

MARTHA:

A pet detective.

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