Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #3

MELISSA:

Thanks Martha, but we'd better

leave this to professionals.

MARTHA:

Well actually, he was quite good.

Pet detection is a very involved,

highly scientific process.

CUT TO:

EXT. ROOF OF HOUSE - SAME TIME

CLOSE ON ACE - COOING like a pigeon. Widen to reveal, Ace precariously

perched on the

roof of a two story building. He is four feet away from "The" pigeon.

Ater a beat, he makes a

mad, spastic, yet scientific, lunge for the bird.

ACE:

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The bird makes a clean getaway. Unable to stop his momentum, Ace flies

past the edge of the

building and slides down the side of the roof.

EXT. GROUND - CONTINUOUS ACTION

BAM!!! Ace crashes to the ground. As he lies face down, in a heap of

trash, his beeper goes off.

EXT. DOLPHIN HEADQUARTERS/BOBBY RIDDLE STADIUM - DAY

Parking lot. Ace's clunker drives by some real nice cars. Employees

stare at him.

INT. SECURITY CHECK POINT - DAY

A stern guard is admitting people into the stadium. He scans each one

with a security detection

wand.

MAN #1

Art Wheeler. Sporting supplies.

The guard scans him. He goes.

MAN #2

Tom Anderson. Concessions.

The guard scans him. He goes.

ACE:

Ace Ventura. Pet detective.

The guard stares at Ace, accusingly.

INT. MELISSA'S OFFICE - DAY

Martha enters.

MARTHA:

Ah� Mr. Ventura to see you.

MELISSA:

Okay, send him in.

Martha exits, Ace enters.

MELISSA (CONT.)

Hi, I'm Melissa Robinson. Did you

have any trouble getting in?

ACE:

No, the guy with the rubber glove

was surprisingly gentle.

MELISSA:

(apologetically)

Super Bowl week. Security's

tight. Mr. Ventura, I'll get

right to the point�

She slips a tape in the VCR and gestures for Ace to sit.

MELISSA:

Our mascot was stolen from his

tank last night. Are you familiar

with Snowflake?

The tape shows Snowflake doing a trick. The trainer, dressed like a

quarterback, shouts out

signals.

TRAINER (ON TAPE)

Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!

Snowflake swims over, snatches the small football out of the trainer's

hand, swims the length of

the pool, does an end zone dance on his tail, then returns the ball to

the trainer.

MELISSA (O.S.)

We got Snowflake from the Miami

Seaquarium. He's a rare Bottle

Nose Dolphin. That's the new

trick he was going to do during

the half-time show.

While Ace studies the tape, he chews sunflower seeds in a bird-like

fashion, placing the shells in a

neat little pile on her desk.

MELISSA:

Would you like an ashtray?

ACE:

No, I don't smoke.

He adds more shells to the pile.

Melissa is already wondering if she has made a mistake.

MELISSA:

To be honest, Mr. Ventura.

I'm pretty skeptical. Before

today, I didn't even know there

was such a thing as a pet

detective.

ACE:

Well, now that you do, you'll know

who to call if your Schnauser ever

runs away.

MELISSA:

How did you know I have a

Schnauser?

Ace pulls a, invisible-to-the-naked-eye dog hair off here blouse and

presents it to her.

ACE:

He's young, about five pounds,

black coat, white speckles�

(sniffs the hair)

�likes to chase cars.

MELISSA:

Very impressive.

ACE:

You should see what I can do with

a good stool sample.

MELISSA:

I can hardly wait. Look, we've

got a problem. Can you help me or

not?

ACE:

(coy)

Well, sea faring creatures aren't

really my expertise�

MELISSA:

We'll give you three thousand

dollars on delivery.

Ace immediately becomes the narrator of a nature show.

ACE:

The dolphin is a social creature.

Capable of complex communication.

Traveling in large groups or

schools�

EXT. PLAYING FIELD - A SHORT TIME LATER

The Dolphin players practice. A crowd of reporters interview Marino.

MARINO:

We just choked in 82. We had a

chance to win it and we didn't.

Nobody's gonna choke this time,

and if they do, I'll kill 'em.

Ace and Melissa head for Snowflake's tank.

MELISSA:

The police were here this morning.

Apparently, the kidnappers used

the back gate.

Ace bends down to look at some tire tracks on the field.

MELISSA (CONT)

They said some kind of a �

ACE:

Four wheel drive van� loaded from

the rear.

Ace sniffs the turf. Podacter enters nervously.

MELISSA:

Oh, hi, Roger. How are you holding

up?

PODACTER:

Well if it looks like I'm walking

funny it's because I have a bunch

on reporters up my ass. They've

been asking me about Snowflake all

day. Who's this?

MELISSA:

Roger Podacter, meet Ace Ventura.

Ace is our pet detective.

Podacter shakes his hand.

PODACTER:

Nice to meet you. Martha Metz

recommended you very highly.

ACE:

Martha Metz? Martha Metz. Oh

yeah, the b*tch.

PODACTER:

What?

ACE:

Pekinese. Hyperactive. Lost in

Highland Park area. She was half

dead when I found her. Is that

the tank?

They both follow Ace as he makes a B-line.

EXT. SNOWFLAKE'S TANK - MOMENTS LATER

The tank is empty.

ACE:

Cops drain it?

MELISSA:

Yes. This morning.

Ace hops on the ladder.

ACE:

If I'm not back in five

minutes� call Lloyd Bridges.

INT. DOLPHIN TANK - MOMENTS LATER

While eating sunflower seeds, Ace meticulously examines the tank,

including the scratches where

the hand banged up against the wall when Snowflake was stolen. All the

while, he is singing a

bastardized version of the theme from, "Flipper."

ACE:

�Wonderful Flipper� glorious

Flipper� magnificent

Flipper� The flippiest Flipper�

Podacter and Melissa, watching from the rim, look at each other like,

"What have we gotten

ourselves into?" Podacter spots something.

PODACTER:

Oh, great.

A hoard or reporters are headed their way.

PODACTER (CONT)

I'll try to head them off.

MELISSA:

(to Ace)

Get out of the tank.

ACE:

(still singing)

�Can't hear you Flipper,

Flipper� Lookin' for Flipper,

gotta find Flipper�

MELISSA:

I said, get out of the tank! Now!

The reporters draw closer. Podacter heads them off.

REPORTER:

So where's Snowflake?

PODACTER:

Ah� Snowflake is just, ah, not

available right now.

REPORTER:

Come on, I'm supposed to get a

shot of his new trick for the

evening news.

REPORTER #2

What? Is he sick?

Other reporters chime in.

VARIOUS REPORTERS

Did something happen to

Snowflake?! What're you

hiding..?!

Melissa and Podacter don't know what to say. Then, a strange voice is

heard.

ACE/HEINZ (O.S.)

(unrecognizable accent)

How cun I be getting dis vork dun

mit all da shouting? What for is

dis shouting?

REPORTER:

Who the hell is that?

MELISSA:

That? That's�

ACE/HEINZ

Heinz Kissvelvet. I am Trainer of

Dolphins. You vant to talk to ze

dolphin, you talk to me!

REPORTER:

What happened to the regular

trainer?

ACE/HEINZ

Vy do you care about the dolphin?

Do you know him? Does he call you

at home? Do you have a dorsal

fin?

(beat)

To train ze dolphin, you must zink

like ze dolphin. You must be

getting oonside ze dolphin's head!

Just yesterday I'm asking

Snowflake� "ee, eee, eee." He

said, "Eee, eee, eee, eee." Und

you can quote him.

Ace spits at the reporters' feet. Podacter jumps in.

PODACTER:

Gentlemen, please, Coach Shula's

press conference is just about to

begin. Why don't I take you over

there and let, ah, Heinz, do his

job.

He ushers the press away.

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