Ace Ventura: Pet Detective

EXT. STREET - DAY

A UPS Man with a big pot belly is walking down the street, whistling

and carelessly tossing a

package in the air. We hear the sound of broken glass in the box. He

passes a professional woman.

UPS MAN:

Good morning, UPS!

He tosses the box behind his back like a basketball, then acknowledges

another passerby.

UPS MAN:

UPS, good to see you!

He takes a couple of steps, then flings the package incredibly high

into the air, spins completely

around and expertly drops to one knee and catches the box. A Hispanic

man passes.

UPS MAN:

Buenos dias. Uo Pay eSsay.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - DAY

The UPS Man dodges a couple of black kids as though playing

basketball. He runs up the front

steps of the building. He reaches out to open the front door and

inadvertently flings the package

behind him and back down the steps.

He goes back, retrieves the package, then enters the building.

INT. LOBBY - DAY

Several people stand in the elevator. The UPS Man just makes it, but

the door closes on the

package... REPEATEDLY. He feigns embarrassment.

INT. 3RD FLOOR - DAY

ELEVATOR DOORS OPEN. The UPS Man throws the package out onto the floor

and starts

kicking it down the hall like a soccer player. With one last big kick

the parcel lands in front of

APARTMENT 3B. He picks it up and knocks on the door.

We hear a small dog barking.

GRUFF MAN (O.S.)

Shut the hell up, you stupid mutt!

An angry, burly man pokes his nose hairs out the chained door.

GRUFF MAN:

What do you want?

UPS MAN:

UPS, sir. And how are you this

afternoon? Alrighty then!

The man grumpily unchains the door. He's a big guy - 6'5", 250, and 50

of that is chest hair. A

small Shiatsu stands beside him.

UPS MAN:

I have a package for you.

The UPS guy thrusts the package toward the man. We can clearly hear

broken glass inside. The

man takes the package.

GRUFF MAN:

It sounds broken.

UPS MAN:

Most likely sir! I bet it was

something nice though! Now... I

haver an insurance form. If you'll

just sign here, here, and here,

and initial here, and print your name

here, we'll get the rest of the

forms out to you as soon as we

can.

The man begrudgingly begins to fill out the form. The dog wags his

tail and whines. We can see

that he likes the UPS guy.

UPS MAN:

That's a lovely dog you have. Do

you mind if I pet him, sir?

GRUFF MAN:

(mumbles)

I don't give a rat's ass.

The UPS Man bends down and talks to the dog in a really sucky pet

talk.

UPS MAN:

Oo ja boo ba da boo boo do booo!

GRUFF MAN:

(under breath)

Brother.

Before the Gruff Man can finish, the UPS Man stands back up and takes

the form again.

UPS MAN:

That's fine sir. I can fill out

the rest. You just have yourself

a good day. Take care, now! 'Bye

'bye, then!

THRASH MUSIC STARTS

INT. HALLWAY -- CONT'D

The UPS Man moves swiftly down the hall and into the stair well.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

The Gruff Man shakes the box, tosses it down and sits in front of the

TV.

EXT. APARTMENT BUILDING - CONT'D

The UPS Man bursts from the front door and hustles down the street

very quickly. He passes

several people.

UPS MAN:

(quickly)

UPS, S'cuse me. UPS, comin'

through.

INT. APARTMENT 3B - CONT'D

We see the back of the Shiatsu staring at the crack in the front door.

He has not moved an inch.

The Gruff Man looks over.

GRUFF MAN:

Hey, stupid! Get away from the

door!

The dog doesn't budge and this really pisses him off. He gets up and

heads for the dog.

GRUFF MAN:

What's the matter with you, I said

GIT!!!

He roughly picks the dog up by the scruff of the neck, but as he turns

it around we see that it is a

stuffed dog. Around it's neck is a business card that reads, "You have

been had by Ace Ventura -

Pet Detective." He breathes fire.

GRUFF MAN:

Son of a b*tch!

He smashes the dog to the ground.

EXT. ALLEY - CONT'D

As the UPS Man/Ace rounds the corner, his shirt opens up at his pot

belly and the Shiatsu's head

sticks out. Ace is gloating.

ACE:

(announcer's voice)

That was a close one, ladies and

gentlemen. Unfortunately, in

every contest, there must be...

A LOOSER!

He jumps into an old beat-up Chevy Bel Air, and lets the dog out onto

the passenger seat.

ACE (CONT'D)

LOOOHOOOSERRRHERRR!

He then pulls open the car's ashtray, and to the dog's delight, it's

filled with puppy chow.

He tries to start the engine but it won't turn over. The dog shoots

him a look.

ACE:

(to dog)

No problem, it gets flooded.

We'll just wait a few seconds.

Ace sits back. SMASH!!!

From Ace's POV we see a Baseball bat shatter the front windshield.

ACE:

Or, we could try it now.

Ace frantically tries to start the car. His new friend continues

around the car beating the living sh*t

out of it.

ACE:

Oooh, boy.

ACE'S POV

We see the creep wailing on the car in Ace's side view mirror.

ACE:

Warning! A**holes are closer than

they appear!

The dog is barking insanely.

ACE:

(to dog)

You think you can do better?!

The baseball bat is now pummeling the trunk.

ACE:

Wanna give me a push while you're

back there?

BOOM! The back window shatters. Then the car's engine roars to life.

Ace rejoices.

ACE:

FARFEGNUGENNNNN!!!

Ace leaves the bad guy in a cloud of dust and gravel, screaming bloody

murder.

EXT. MIAMI CITY STREETS - DAY

Ace and his new pal speed away freely.

Close on the happy dog, hanging his head out the car window. PAN

across the broken windshield

to Ace, also hanging his head out the window to see where he's going.

The car drives by a sign on a telephone pole: "Reward" -- with a

picture of the Shiatsu in Ace's

seat.

THRASH MUSIC ENDS

INT. HOUSE - DAY

A very sexy woman is hugging and kissing the Shiatsu.

WOMAN:

My little baby. You missed mommy

didn't you? Did daddy hurt you?

I won't let him, no I won't. He

may have kept the big screen TV,

but he's not gonna keep my baby.

No he isn't.

(very sexy to Ace)

Thank you, Mr. Ventura. How can I

ever repay you?

She slinks over to Ace and puts her arms around his neck.

ACE:

Well, the reward would be good,

and there was some damage to my �

She cuts Ace off with a devastating kiss.

WOMAN:

Would you like me to take you

pants off instead?

ACE:

Ummmm� Sure.

She pulls him toward the bedroom.

WOMAN:

It takes a big man to stand up to

my husband. He's already put two

of my lovers in the hospital.

ACE:

How did he find out? Does he have

you followed.

WOMAN:

No� I tell him

She plants a kiss on Ace's neck and pulls him down out of frame onto

the bed.

EXT. DOLPHIN STADIUM PLAYING FIELD - DAY

The stands are empty, but there's plenty happening on the field. The

Miami Dolphins are

practicing. Dan Marino is in top form, hitting pass after pass.

Behind one of the goal posts, the team's mascot, a rare dolphin

(SNOWFLAKE), wearing #4, is

practicing his routine. The Trainer is dressed like a quarterback.

TRAINER:

Blue! 42! Blue! 42! Hut! Hut!

Snowflake swims over, snatches a small football out of the Trainer's

hand, and does an end zone

dance on his tail. He then returns the ball to the trainer.

The Trainer now sets the ball on the dolphin's tail and snowflake

"kicks" a perfect field goal. The

Trainer blows a whistle and raises both arms.

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