Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #4

MELISSA:

(sotto to Ace)

Are you finished, Heinz?

ACE:

Not yet.

Ace goes to the filter outside the tank, opens it, and pours out its

contents � mainly leaves, small

twigs and gunk. He roots through it, notices a very tiny amber stone.

He smiles to himself.

ACE:

Now I'm finished.

EXT. METRO POLICE DEPARTMENT - LATER THAT DAY

A flurry of activity in the detective division. As Ace enters, several

cops taunt him on sight, led by

the obnoxious, SERGEANT AGUADO.

AGUADO:

Hey, Ventura! Make any good

collars lately?

ANOTHER COP:

Or were they leashes?

They all bust up. Aguado spots a bug on the ground.

AGUADO:

Uh oh.

(steps on the bug)

Homicide, Ventura!

The cops are falling all over themselves laughing.

AGUADO:

How you gonna solve this one?!

Ace walks up to them and looks at the squashed bug.

ACE:

Good question, Aguado� first I'd

establish a motive. In this case

the killer saw the size of the

bug's dick, and became insanely

jealous.

The other cops all react with a big "ooooooo". Aguado has no comeback.

Ace comes face to face

with him.

ACE:

Then I'd lose thirty pounds

porking his wife.

Aguado suddenly loses it and swings at Ace.

With a lightening move, Ace sidesteps the punch and forces Aguado's

face down next to the dead

bug.

ACE:

Now kiss and make up.

Ace walks off.

ACE:

(to himself)

LLLOOOSER!

Ace walks to the desk of EMILIO ECHAVEZ, a young energetic member of

the homicide

division. Ace has a silly impish look on his face.

ACE:

(playfully)

I miss you.

EMILIO:

It's not a good time, Ace. If

Einhorn sees me talking to you I'm

gonna be history.

ACE:

Okay. Just tell me what you got

on Snowflake. That's all I need.

EMILIO:

�I can't say anything. My hands

are tied.

ACE:

(effeminate)

Sounds like my kind of a party.

A cop comes to Emilio's desk.

COP:

Look alive, Einhorn's on her way

down.

EMILIO:

Ace, please?!

ACE:

Just tell me who's working the

case?

EMILIO:

Aguado.

ACE:

Aguado?! He's pimple juice! He's

the poster child for lead paint

chip eaters!

EMILIO:

Look, Ace. We're a little busy

with murderers and drug dealers.

A missing dolphin isn't exactly a

high priority.

The elevator is getting closer.

EMILIO:

Ace, gimme a break will ya?

Ace nonchalantly sits back in a chair, pops a sunflower seed into his

mouth and cracks it loudly.

EMILIO:

(quickly)

Okay, okay. We checked all the

local animal rights groups,

taxidermists, and we're running a

check through DMV on all recent

van rentals. So far, nada.

ACE:

Any unusual bets being made?

EMILIO:

Ace, it's the Super Bowl, of

course there's bets being made.

ACE:

What'd you find out about the

tank?

EMILIO:

Nothing weird. Just the tire

tracks and the exit route. The

guard didn't see anything.

ACE:

That's it?

EMILIO:

That's it. I swear. Now please

go away!

ACE:

You know something?

(again impish)

YOU'RE NICE!

Ace gets up and exits the room. Then just as Emilio sighs with relief,

Ace pops back in.

ACE:

What about crazy Philly fans?

The elevator bell rings. Out steps police LT. LOIS EINHORN, mid 30s,

with a slender build, a

great pair of legs and a bad tude.

ACE:

Holy Testicle Tuesday!

EINHORN:

(to Emilio)

What the hell is he doing here?

ACE:

I came to confess. I was the

second gunman on the grassy knoll.

EINHORN:

Spare me the routine, Ventura. I

know you're working the Snowflake

case. May I suggest you yield to

the experts on this one? We'll

find the porpoise.

ACE:

(mock relief)

Whewww� now I feel better!

Ace turns to go.

ACE (CONT)

Of course, that might not do any

good. You see, nobody's missing a

porpoise. It's a dolphin that's

been taken. The common Harbor

Porpoise has an abrupt snout,

pointed teeth, and a triangular

thorasic fin, while the Bottlenose

Dolphin, or Tursiops Truncatus,

has an elongated beak, round,

cone-shaped teeth, and a

distinctive serrated dorsal

appendage. (beat) But I'm sure

you already knew that. (beat)

That's what turns me on about you.

Hey� maybe I'll give you a call

sometime, lieutenant. Your number

still 911? Alrighty then!

Ace exits.

CUT TO:

INT. TEA ROOM - NIGHT

A wild thrasher club. An incredible thrash band is on stage cranking.

Kids jump wildly into the

"moshing" pit.

Ace enters, sees a burnout at the bar whose head is circling insanely

to the music.

ACE:

(shouting)

Excuse me?! Is Greg here?!

The burnout's head thrashes on. No acknowledgement of Ace.

ACE:

Thank you!

Ace heads for the basement stairs.

INT. BASEMENT STAIRS - NIGHT

Ace descends the stairs, stopping at a large steel door. Ace bangs on

it three times. A voice is

heard from inside.

VOICE (O.S.)

Password!

ACE:

Tom Vu! I pay for sex! You can

too!

CLICK! The door electronically unlatches and slides open.

INT. BASEMENT - NIGHT

Ace enters. Green Peace "Save the Whales" posters abound.

GREG/WOODSTOCK, a laid

back, ex-hippy with long gray hair, sits at a very impressive computer

set up. Ace and he have

their own distinct banter.

A thud from above. Ace looks up.

ACE'S POV

Part of the ceiling is made of metal grating, so you can see the

bottom of the dance floor. A guy's

face gets smashed into the grate. We see that it is the burnout from

the club.

ACE:

(to burnout)

Found him!

WOODSTOCK:

Hey! St. Francis! How's it goin?

ACE:

Super, and thank you for asking.

Hope you're having a nice day.

WOODSTOCK:

Do you?

ACE:

Don't I? And what are you up to?

WOODSTOCK:

Just watching the fishies, man.

There is a BLIP on the computer screen.

WOODSTOCK:

Alright, you're just in time for

the party. You see those blips?

ACE:

I certainly do.

ON THE SCREEN:

A map with several ships on the ocean.

He quickly taps in some commands and the ships start sailing in all

different directions.

WOODSTOCK:

That's a Norwegian whaling fleet.

I'm sending them new directional

coordinates� They'll find Jimmy

Hoffa before they find any

Humpbacks.

ACE:

Gravy.

Woodstock moves to a different screen.

WOODSTOCK:

Check this out.

More computer graphics come up on the screen.

WOODSTOCK:

Just changed the formula for

Purina's puppy chow.

(turns to Ace)

Too much filler, don't ya' think?

ACE:

(acting turned on)

I'm very attracted to you right

now.

Woodstock chuckles.

WOODSTOCK:

Are you?

ACE:

Aren't I? Can you still tap into

all the aquatic supply store in

the area?

WOODSTOCK:

Of course I can. Why?

ACE:

I want to trace the sale of any

equipment for transporting or

housing a dolphin within the past

few months�

WOODSTOCK:

C'mon, Ace. I thought you might

have a challenge for me�

Woodstock starts hacking away.

ACE:

Okay then, try to remember the

sixties.

WOODSTOCK:

Wow! God one! Let's see�

Marine winch sling, feeder fish,

20,000 gallon tank�

He waits. We hear a beep.

WOODSTOCK:

That's it. I found the culprit.

ACE:

Who is it?

WOODSTOCK:

(dramatically)

�Sea World.

ACE:

�bastard.

WOODSTOCK:

Hang on, hang on�

(He taps a couple keys)

Well, what do we have here?

That's a lot of equipment for a

civilian.

The printer spits out some data. Woodstock rips off the page and hands

it to Ace.

ACE:

Ronald Camp? The billionaire?

WOODSTOCK:

Billionaire and rare fish

collector.

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