Ace Ventura: Pet Detective Page #5

ACE:

RRREHEHEALLY!

A PICTURE OF CAMP

Comes up on the computer screen.

WOODSTOCK:

That, my friend, is the face of

the enemy.

He pages through his file on screen.

WOODSTOCK:

�Always tryin' to get his hands

on endangered species�

Newspaper articles fill the screen. One shows a picture of Camp and

some Dolphin players.

ACE:

Hold on, this guy's connected with

the Dolphins?

Ace leans in.

WOODSTOCK:

Camp donated the land the new

stadium's built on.

(re:
article)

Oh, look at this, he's throwin'

another, "I'm the richest man in

the universe" party.

ACE:

(thinking)

Hmmm� I wonder if I can find

myself a date.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT

It's a magnificent home. There is an extremely formal party in

progress. Twenty to thirty people

having champagne, caviar, and hot air. We see Dan Marino sitting with

an audience around him.

DAN:

We just choked in 82. We had a

chance to win and we didn't. But

nobody's gonna choke this time; if

they do, I'll kill 'em!

Everybody laughs.

EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - NIGHT

Ace and Melissa climb an impressive stairway leading to Camp's

mansion.

MELISSA:

I'm really going out on a limb

here, Ventura. Camp's social

events are strictly A-list.

ACE:

(a la Love Connection)

'Well, Chuck� the date started

off good, but just before we got

to the party, she seemed to tense

up.'

Melissa rolls her eyes, then taps a huge door knocker.

MELISSA:

I swear, if you do anything to

embarrass me in front of Camp�

ACE:

You mean like this?

Ace starts doing a spastic body convulsion. Just then a bald-headed

butler, who looks a little like

Gavin McCloud, opens the door. Ace doesn't notice until Melissa hits

him with her purse.

ACE:

Owwwe!!!

He sees the butler.

ACE:

Oh, hi Captain Stubing.

Melissa storms in, already pissed.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - CONT

Ace and Melissa enter. Camp looks over.

CAMP:

Melissa! Glad you could make it!

Oh, and who is this?

MELISSA:

This is my date. He's a�

lawyer.

CAMP:

Well, does he have a name, or

should I call him "Lawyer"?

MELISSA:

I'm sorry, it's Ace - ah, Tom Ace.

Ace is very unimpressed with her lying ability. He jumps in.

ACE:

Tom Ace. Wonderful to meet you,

Mr. Camp, and congratualtions on

all your success. You smell

terrific.

CAMP:

Ah, well, thank you. Please, come

in.

Ace boldly leads the way over to an hors 'oeuvre table. Melissa

closely follows.

MELISSA:

(sotto)

This is insane. There's no way

that Camp stole Snowflake.

ACE:

(spreading pate' on a cracker)

Will you just keep him occupied,

while I work my magic please.

She crosses the room. He puts the cracker in his mouth and begins to

crunch. A man in a tux

beside Ace spreads pate' on his own cracker.

ACE:

(with a mouthful, to man)

Smooshy, isn't it?

Off the stuffy man's reaction�

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SECONDS LATER

Ace approaches Camp.

ACE:

Excuse me, Ron, I need to use the

bathroom?

(palms his stomach, whispering loudly)

I think it's the pate'.

CAMP:

Um, it's just over there.

ACE:

Thanks. Stuff probably looks

better on the way out, huh?

Ace laughs, slaps Camp hard on the back and heads for the bathroom.

INT. BATHROOM - CONT

Ace wastes no time. He locks the door, turns on the water faucet,

steps onto the toilet seat, opens

and climbs out a window.

EXT. MANSION COURT YARD - CONT

Ace drops to the ground. He follows a pathway, through a gazebo and

into a doorway, all the time

quietly singing the musical score to 'Mission Impossible'.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - FISH TANKS - CONT

Ace browses through a myriad of dramatically lit, salt water tanks,

still singing. They're all filled

with colorful exotic fish. Very impressive, but nothing large enough

to house a dolphin. He

continues on towards a large door.

INT. TANK ROOM - SECONDS LATER

A huge above-ground tank is covered with curtains to discourage

onlookers. Ace swings open the

large door and enters.

ACE:

Gravy.

Ace climbs a ladder on the side of the tank, singing more intensely

now. The ladder leads to a

narrow catwalk over the center of the water. Ace grabs a feeder fish

from a pail and walks

carefully out there.

CLOSE ON ACE. THIS IS IT.

He looks into the dark pool, but sees nothing. Now he stops singing,

quietly squats down and

dangles the fish over the water.

ACE:

(gently)

Snowflake� Here, Snowflake�

Snooowflaaaake�

A GREAT WHITE LUNGES OUT OF THE WATER AND SNAPS ITS JAWS AN INCH

FROM ACE'S FACE!!! NEEDLESS TO SAY, ACE IS A TAD SURPRISED.

He reels back, falling off the catwalk, into the water.

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - SAME TIME

Melissa is admiring some beautiful tropical fish. Camp approaches.

CAMP:

Wonderful, aren't they?

MELISSA:

(nervously)

Yes. They're incredible.

CAMP:

No matter what is going on in my

life, I can always watch them

swim and be completely at peace.

INT. INDOOR POOL ROOM - SAME TIME

The water is still for a moment. Then, Ace breaks the surface.

ACE:

(frantic, to himself)

It's not Snowflake� It's not

Snowflake.

Instantly, Ace's body is thrashed around back and forth through the

water, the entire length of the

pool.

ACE:

(screaming)

IT'S NOT SNOWFLAAAAKE!!! IT'S NOT

SNOWFLAAAA!!!

INT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER

A line is forming outside the bathroom. Camp and Melissa are seated

nearby. He's getting curious.

CAMP:

Are you sure he's okay? It's been

an awfu;;y long time.

MELISSA:

Who, Tom? Oh, I'm sure he's fine.

Ace suddenly opens the bathroom door and stands there, completely

drenched from head to toe,

with his pants in shreds. Everyone stops. They all stare at Ace in

amazement.

ACE:

(loudly to the entire room)

DO NOT GO IN THERE!

(fanning the air)

Whewww!!

EXT. CAMP'S MANSION - LATER

Ace and Melissa are exiting. Camp stops in the doorway.

CAMP:

(still confused)

I'm very sorry, Mr. Ace. I'll

have the pluming checked

immediately.

ACE:

Be sure that you do. If I had

been drinking out of that toilet,

I might have been killed!

Ace shakes Camp's hand and notices his ring. He holds on to get a

better look. It's a very distinct,

commemorative ring.

Camp wants his hand back but Ace won't let go. Melissa finally drags

Ace away.

MELISSA:

We'd better go.

Camp looks on and shakes his head.

INT. MELISSA'S CAR - NIGHT

Ace is thinking. Melissa is pissed.

MELISSA:

�Y'know, I don't even want to

know why your pants are missing!

I don't care what happened! You

could have cost me my job.

ACE:

(on his own wavelength)

I was wrong about Camp. He's

breaking the law but he's not our

guy.

MELISSA:

It's a sure thing! It's

definitely him! Just get me in

there! Let me work my magic!

Ace takes the stone out of his pocket and studies it intensely.

ACE:

This is the key. Right here!

MELISSA:

Hiring you was the biggest mistake

I ever made!

ACE:

So small! So unnoticeable! Yet

an invaluable piece� of our

twisted little jigsaw puzzle!

Melissa stares at Ace like he's gone crazy. There is a flash of

headlights and a car horn. Melissa

swerves back into her own lane. Ace drops the stone somewhere on the

seat and begins to search

for it frantically.

ACE:

Damn it!

(to Melissa)

Try to keep it on the road.

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