Adaptation. Page #6

So true.

I like looking at you.

I like looking at you too, Charlie.

I don't know how to do this.

I'm afraid I'll disappoint you.

You've written a beautiful book.

I can't sleep.

I'm losing my hair.

I'm fat and repulsive.

Shh. You're not. You're not.

Just whittle it down, you know?

Focus on one thing in the story.

Find that one thing

that you care passionately about

and then write about that.

Delicate, haunted by loneliness,

fragile, beautiful.

She lies awake next to her sleeping,

insensitive husband.

Her voice-over begins,

"I suppose I do have one

unembarrassed passion.

I want to know how it feels to care

about something passionately."

- Hey.

- Morning.

Hey, you two.

Up early for a change?

You seem chipper.

I'm good. I have some new ideas.

God, you guys are so smart.

It's like a brain factory in here.

I got some ideas too this morning.

He got really, really good ones.

You know,

in a Donald sort of way.

I'm putting...

Hey! What?

I'm putting in a chase sequence.

So the killer flees on horseback with the girl.

Cop's after them on a motorcycle.

And it's like a battle between

motors and horses.

Like technology versus horse.

And they're still

all one person, right?

Well, that's the big payoff.

It sounds exciting.

Thanks, man.

Thanks.

See, I told you he was gonna like it.

- You're my muse. You are.

- I love being your muse.

I'm so happy about that.

I'm picking up

an order for Kaufman.

Oh.

Valerie.

Hi, Charlie.

It's quite a coincidence

bumping into you.

I'm sorry I didn't call you back.

I was away last week.

That's okay.

I meant to because

things are going well,

and I wanted you to know.

That's great.

I'm anxious to see something.

You should sit because

I'm here with Susan right now.

She's dying to meet you,

so it's funny bumping into you.

Have a seat.

Susan Orlean's here?

Yeah, she's here in town for a reading or something.

She's just on the phone.

Sit down. Have a seat.

She's dying to meet you.

Oh, um, um... Well, I should

probably go, because...

Well, I'd love to meet her too,

but I don't want to be beholden.

And, well...

Once you meet somebody

that you've been writing about,

it becomes very hard

to separate. So...

Well, okay, I'll speak to you soon.

And I'm almost done.

I'm almost done.

Tell Susan that I would love

to meet with her at a future date.

As she sees fit.

Okay.

- Who am I kidding?

- This isn't Susan Orlean's story.

I have no connection with her.

I can't even meet her.

I have no understanding of anything

but my own panic, self-loathing

and pathetic, little existence.

The only thing I'm qualified to write

about is myself and my own self...

We open on Charlie Kaufman.

Fat, old, bald, repulsive,

sitting in a Hollywood restaurant

across from Valerie Thomas,

a lovely, statuesque film executive.

Kaufman, trying to get

a writing assignment,

wanting to impress her,

sweats profusely.

Fat, bald Kaufman

paces furiously in his bedroom.

He speaks into his hand-held

tape recorder, and he says,

"Charlie Kaufman, fat, bald,

repulsive, old,

sits at a Hollywood restaurant

with Valerie Thomas."

Kaufman, repugnant, ridiculous,

jerks off to the book jacket photo

of Susan Or...

What do you want?

I've finished my script.

I'm done.

So would you show it

to your agent?

It's called The Three.

Thanks. I also want to

thank you for your idea.

It was very helpful.

I changed it a little.

Now the killer cuts off body pieces

and makes his victims eat them.

Caroline has this tattoo of a snake

swallowing its own tail, and...

Ouroboros.

I don't know what that means.

The snake.

It's called Ouroboros.

Don't think so. It's cool for my killer

to have this modus operandi.

When he forces the woman

who's him to eat herself

he's eating himself to death.

I'm insane.

I'm Ouroboros.

I don't know what that word means.

I've written myself

into my screenplay.

That's kind of weird, huh?

It's self-indulgent.

It's narcissistic.

It's solipsistic.

It's pathetic.

I'm pathetic.

I'm fat and pathetic.

I'm sure you had good reasons,

Charles. You're an artist.

It's because I'm too timid to speak

to the woman who wrote the book.

Because I'm pathetic.

Because I have no idea how to write.

I can't make flowers fascinating.

Because I suck.

Hey, am I in the script?

I'm going to New York.

I'll meet her. That's it.

That's what I have to do.

Don't get mad at me for saying,

but Bob's having a seminar

in New York this weekend.

So if you're stuck...

And she said, "Laroche

is such a fun character."

No sh*t, I'm a fun character.

Who's gonna play me?

Well, I've gotta write

the book first, John.

Then, you know, they get

somebody to write the screenplay.

Hey, I think I should play me.

Ha, ha, ha.

Most people yearn for something

exceptional, something so inspiring

they'd want to risk everything for

that passion, but few would act on it.

It was very powerful,

and it's intoxicating to be

around someone so alive.

Come on, just follow me.

They're right nearby.

Okay.

Can I ask you

a personal question?

Look, we're not lost.

I've done this a million times.

When everything is killing me, I just

say, "Screw it," and go straight ahead.

Oh, f***...

Sundial.

I'll just set this up,

we'll wait a few minutes,

and then we'll be able to tell

which way the sun's moving.

We should be headed southeast.

So you collect anything?

Not really, no.

Yeah, well, you know,

it's not really about

collecting the thing.

It's about being able...

The thing about computers,

the thing I like,

is that I'm immersed in them,

but it's not like a living thing that's

gonna leave or die or something.

John, I'm sorry. I just...

Okay.

I don't...

Hey. Okay.

F*** the sundial.

I know how to get out of here.

I know how to get out of here.

I know this swamp like

the back of my goddamn hand.

You're just like everybody else.

F***ing leeches.

You just attach yourself to me

and suck me dry, spit me out.

Why don't you get your own life?

Your own f***ing interests?

F***ing spoiled b*tch.

Life seemed to be filled with things

that were just like the ghost orchid.

Wonderful to imagine

and easy to fall in love with,

but a little fantastic

and fleeting

and out of reach.

"...But a little fantastic

and fleeting and out of reach."

Hello?

Hey, it's Marty. How's it going?

Has it been helpful talking

to the writer? What's her name?

Susan Orlean. It's been okay.

Uh-huh. Well, I mean,

are you making headway?

Valerie's breathing down my neck.

You can't rush inspiration.

Okay. All right. Fair enough.

Listen, the other reason

I called was The Three.

It's just amazing.

I don't know what that is.

Donald's script.

A smart, edgy thriller.

It's the best script I've read all year.

Oh.

Good.

Yeah, I'm gonna sell it for a shitload.

Two f***ing talented guys

in one family.

Maybe you could get your brother

to help you with the orchid thing.

Marty, don't say that. I mean...

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