Addicted to Fresno

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They say having

a sister is like having

a best friend

you can't get rid of.

You know, whatever you do

they'll still be there.

Well that was never our story.

Our story is about how sisters can sink

each other... really sink each other.

Morning, Martha.

Hi, Eric.

- That your sister?

- Oh, yeah, sure is.

Hi.

Smells like piss back here.

Wow. I thought

your sister was kidding

when she said

you were a buzz kill.

Shannon? Hey, Shannon! Shan!

Shannon!

Great. Now we're going to have

to clean up after a bunch

of sweaty Lezzies.

God, what is with you today?

Why did you have to tell

that guy I'm a buzz kill?

Oh my God! Shannon Jackson?

- What?

- It's me! Kristen!

I work at the front desk.

Okay.

You remember, kristen Metz?

Wow, oh my God.

You don't remember me?

No? Kristen?

Remember, I was, like,

"ah! My ankle! Ow!"

Did I kick you in the ankle?

Then I was like "sign my cast!"

And then... you couldn't...

you didn't do it,

but, God, I knew it was you!

Are we talking

about high school?

- Yes.

- Okay, I remember you.

Okay, great.

And what are you doing here?

I thought you were,

like, teaching at that fancy pants

school in Carmel by the sea?

Yeah, I was but then

I got fired 'cause

I f***ed a bunch of people.

- Oh.

- Yeah.

Woops.

Janitor, lacrosse coach,

couple subs,

the headmaster...

that was my big mistake

actually because we got

caught by some kids

under the bleachers

at homecoming.

Oh.

So now I'm

a registered sex offender.

Yay!

Yeah.

Oh, you can't clean any rooms

with kids in them.

But that's fine. They're

always really dirty anyway.

Oh, by the way, I sucked

your boyfriend's dick at

Chris Deluca's prom party.

I'm sorry?

Yeah. I think he must

ate a lot of pineapple

because his spunk is tasty.

You guys married?

Is it Scott Metz?

So I guess we may as well

just jump in, right?

Get started, basically

you just get your key out

of lanyard like that

and then you knock

three times, yeah?

And then you say...

f*** off! I'm sleeping!

Okay, let's not go in there.

Ugh. People are disgusting.

Check this. This is how you

put on a new pillow case.

Then what you do is

the double-fold maneuver.

This is also really nice

to do in your own home, and

then like that, fluff, fluff.

Perfect p-case.

Why are you changing

the pillow cases?

It's the same people.

They're not checking out.

Okay, how about we just try

to keep this job,

shan, and not be so lazy?

Fine.

What do I do with their sh*t?

Do I have to fold it?

Okay, if I raped you

right now what would you do?

I don't want to play

this game right now.

You never want to play.

Yeah, I know,

that's why I'm not playing.

This was a stupid game when

we were kids and it still is.

Hey, remember

that old French president

who attacked that African maid?

He was like a grandpa and she

still had to spit his jizz.

Well, I'm not

spitting anyone's jizz.

Okay, if I raped you right

now what would you do?

No one's raping me

in this uniform.

It's not really my color.

What you want to do in a rape

situation is yell, "fire!"

Why wouldn't I yell rape?

No one responds to that.

Who are your friends?

So basically you put your

laundry inside the unit.

And then you want to make sure

you have full load

before you start the machine.

Hey, Martha.

Hey, Jerry.

How was your vacation?

Dollywood was awesome.

You must be Shannon.

Welcome to the family.

Your sister said

that you're a great sister.

I've got my bucket.

And then when that's done

you can just move over and,

you know, close it up.

Hit start.

Then once that's going

you can move over here

and start folding stuff.

Who is that?

Who? Jerry? Oh, he's

the executive maid.

He's worked here

for like 15 years.

So he's the top dog.

You're kidding. That's our boss?

God, shan.

What? I'm just saying.

Don't be so insensitive.

You're lucky that he thinks

sex offenders fight sex crimes.

You know this spot

is really competitive.

You want to go get

some hump day drinks

to celebrate your first day?

Not really.

Come on. Who's a better dancer?

Me or Jodie foster

in "the accused?"

That's not a contest

you want to win.

I like this place

'cause of the music.

That's great.

And the girls.

I'm so glad your back.

When are you going to tell about

the last few weeks of rehab?

I'm not.

Rehab is rehab, you know?

It's my recovery. It's private.

It's my thing.

Well how do you think

you're doing, though?

Do you think you're better?

I don't know.

I feel numb.

Well, hey, at least numbness

is a feeling, right?

To numbness.

What was that?

What was what?

That, shan.

That didn't seem numb.

I'm allowed to look

at other human beings.

How's that freeloading

weirdo you're dating?

Who? Alicia?

She's not a weirdo.

Maybe you're thinking

about somebody else.

I think I'm thinking of Alicia.

Um, I don't know.

She's just going through a hard

time right now, so we split up.

She wanted to like...

suck some d*cks?

No, she didn't want to...

stop, Shannon.

She's a loser straight girl

who was never going

to settle down with you.

I like helping people.

Yeah, you know, who else did?

Mom, and it left her

with two tits full of cancer

so enjoy that.

I'm gonna go pay

for these beers.

As usual.

Hey, shan, you sure you don't

want to go with me, right?

I have a meeting.

You want some fiddle

for your paddle?

No, I'm good. I'll get

something on the way.

Okay, if you get hungry there's

some stuff in the freezer.

There's bagel bites, three cheese,

cheese, sausage and pepperoni.

Stop treating me like I'm dad.

Well, you know, someone

had to take care of him.

Look, if you want something else

there's pb & j

or grilled cheese stuff.

I've been here a week.

I know my food options.

Just go to class.

And there's pineapple

and country crock.

Are you sure you're

going to be okay?

Yeah.

Promise you're going

to eat something, right,

- not just smoke?

- Yeah.

Okay.

I'll see you in

a couple of hours.

Have a great meeting.

Hey, shan, I just want to say

that, you know,

I'm hella proud of you

that you're getting

your life back together.

I know you're going to make it.

I mean look at me.

Thanks, dummy.

Okay, see you,

wouldn't want to be you.

I don't mean it.

I'll be back, the Terminator.

I'll be back.

Like, I'm going to come back

after the gym.

- Hey.

- Hey.

Thanks for the text but you were

supposed to call, not come over.

Oh.

Sorry, well,

I'm here now so come on out.

Let's f*** like

horny teenagers.

Come on. Come on.

Uh...

Yeah, no. I can't because I

forgot tonight was date night.

Julie is coming home and we're

going to play "scrabble."

What? God.

- Your wife sucks.

- Yeah, I know.

Everything but your dick.

I stayed in that hotel

room for two weeks

so that my sister wouldn't

know I got kicked out

of rehab for you.

Yeah, I'm the one who

forged the release papers

so the court wouldn't

be all over your ass.

It was the least you could do.

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