Addicted to Porn: Chasing the Cardboard Butterfly Page #5

and they don't feel disrespect.

Historically and traditionally,

it is an emotional bond.

But what we're seeing is

that's also shifting.

You're seeing women more and more

becoming more carnal, if you wanna say,

or there's a physical appetite

there that they're looking to feed.

I don't know if it's an increase in

women actually being affected by it,

or the fact that more and more of them

are willing to come in and get treatment.

Most people, even in current day

culture would find it hard to believe

that the words "woman" and "porn addict"

could belong in the same sentence.

The fact of the matter is

that research now shows

that an estimated one out of every

three pornography addicts is a woman.

And we're not talking about

the emotional pornography

that you might find

in a sappy romance novel,

but full-on, hardcore porn.

So the first time, I remember

pulling it up and seeing some clips.

It was just this

overwhelming rush.

I mean, it was a rush

that I'd never felt before.

It was like, "I'm in a world

right now that is really scary,

and I should not be here,

but I can't step out of it."

It was just...

I'll just never forget.

It was like a cold rush.

Almost like ice going through my veins.

This woman,

who we'll call Jane,

was very open about

her attachment to pornography

and the deep, dark, cold waters

of addiction that she fell into

from the very first time

she saw it.

The minute I woke up,

I had a laptop,

and it was the first thing I did

before I got out of bed

and the last thing

before I went to sleep.

It got to the point of

sometimes six times a day.

And then there would be days that it would

just be playing over and over in my mind.

And at work, I just

couldn't focus on work

until I just took care of things,

you know, to get it out of my mind.

It just... It took over.

It took over my mind.

Just my thought processes.

It altered me. It just...

It's taken away some innocence

from me that I can't get back.

And even now,

I'll find myself slipping into

some behaviors in the bedroom

that I know

where they're coming from.

It wasn't just satisfying enough to

watch a male and a female anymore.

That my level of addiction

had gotten to a place

where I needed

to watch darker things,

and that's really what

started to scare me.

Because it wasn't just,

you know, watching porn.

It was watching things

that were darker and darker.

For Jane, as that addiction got

darker and darker, as she says,

it also cost her

several relationships.

Therein lies a sample of the trend that

is growing more and more amongst society.

As people become increasingly attached

to the bonds formed through pornography,

they become equally detached

from the authenticity of a real

connection with another human being.

That, in turn, gets brought

into future relationships,

typically, with bad results.

The most powerful bonding experience

that we have physiologically

is the bonding

of the sexual relationship.

And so where a person has bonded or connected

their arousal with pornography for so long,

they no longer become sexually aroused

without the use of pornography.

Many of the people that

are looking at pornography,

they'll spend most of their time

looking for that ideal person.

And once they find them,

uh, that person is

no longer ideal anymore.

There's gotta be somebody else.

So they continue the search.

But mostly for them,

it's about mimicking behavior.

It's about, "Oh, okay,

that's how I'm supposed to do it.

That's what I look like

when I'm masculine." Okay?

For women, they look at that,

and the sexual behavior takes a back seat

to the physical appearance of the woman

and the pressure that puts on them.

Sadly, thus begins

the breakdown of intimacy

and the ability to connect

with each other as human beings.

The single men that I work with,

it's ironic how many of them

are not able to have any kind of

relationship because of the pornography.

They, uh, they will

never find anybody that

is exactly the person

that they want

because of what

they've been looking at, uh,

you know,

in their pornography.

Intimacy requires,

obviously, that vulnerability.

But it's that intimacy that

builds a sense of connection,

builds a sense of humanity,

builds a sense of compassion,

builds a sense of humility,

of tenderness, you know,

that exists between

a man and a woman.

When you're looking at sexual

behavior that's aggressive,

you are de-personalizing

the other person,

or objectifying

the other person,

if you wanna look at it

in that language.

"I've made this person

an object of sexual release,

an object of sexual pleasure."

The danger in that is that

we lose the ability to connect.

We lose the ability to truly

empathize with another person.

There's this self-regulation

that we have individually

that also impacts

our relationships.

And we lose that ability

to self-regulate,

not just internally,

which is a tremendous damage,

but we also lose that ability

to self-regulate socially.

It's not destructive,

but it's not constructive.

Because you're just

thinking about you

and your own pleasure,

as I said.

And I think if you do that,

and your partner do that,

it's not great for the couple.

So, Jack meets Jill.

They seem to fall in love.

All is right with the world.

Except for one problem.

One of them,

or potentially both,

have had or still do have

an issue with porn.

The private nature of it is

one of its greatest strengths,

is that it's not

something that's

if ever, rarely, is gonna be something

that you can notice in somebody.

Unless they're verbally discussing it

and describing what they're doing,

most times, you have no clue.

Let's see.

I was a single mom of a young boy,

and we met

through a mutual friend.

He introduced us and...

He was so charming,

and handsome, and just...

I don't know. You just looked at him,

and he was all-American guy.

And, uh, beautiful eyes

and big smile.

He had a good job,

a good education,

and he liked me.

We became best friends very quickly.

And, uh, it worked.

It was really good.

He was my best friend.

He just took my son

under his wing

and really stepped into

that role, which was amazing.

He was it. He was my rock

in so many areas of my life.

He was my protector.

He was my knight in shining armor.

Sometimes we'd go six weeks without

even having any kind of intimacy.

He would say, "Well, I just don't have

the sex drive that most normal guys do."

That's what he would tell me,

and I didn't know.

I mean, I was in my early 20s.

I'm just like, "Okay."

He had a really

difficult time...

either performing or lasting.

And sometimes, we would get to the point

where we couldn't even physically have sex.

And it just... It was over

before it even started.

And it was very difficult.

In my mind, it felt like, "I'm not fat,

I'm not ugly, and I like you.

What's the problem? Like..."

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