Admission

An admissions officer

must have a strong constitution

to be on the receiving end

of an entire nation's application panic,

to endure the frustration and anger

of all the so-called millennial parents

who just realized...

Come on, hurry up!

God, Mom, relax.

There isn't room

for every perfectly nurtured,

organically fed, well-tutored offspring.

Okay, I'm your tour guide.

There's no point trying to impress me.

I have absolutely

no power over your fate here.

The people with the power are right in there.

The admissions officers.

And, no, that sign is not an omen.

Except for some of you.

Almost all of you, actually.

We had 26,241 applications last year,

1,308 of those applicants

are attending school here.

James, tours leave at 9:15. It's 9:25.

Sorry. I thought I'd wait.

We had a, uh, late arrival.

I'm sorry. Our GPS lied.

No worries, Mrs. Lafont.

Welcome to Princeton.

So what's the secret to getting in?

The secret...

Just be yourself.

If this is the right place for you,

then this is where you'll end up.

James?

Okay, let's go see Princeton!

We're going to play a fun game.

It's called "Spot the Nobel Prize Winner."

What's the secret to getting in?

There has to be one, right?

Well, there is, but I can't tell you. Not yet.

What I can tell you

is everyone thinks we're sadists.

That we like saying no. This is not true.

- No.

- Portia.

No. No. No.

You're second reader

on my territory this season.

Yes, I know. As are you. On mine.

That's the way it works.

Oh, I'll just wait until you catch up. With me.

We are in this job for one reason.

- Hello?

- Is this Portia Nathan?

- To say...

- Yes?

Wow, I didn't think I'd get you.

It's John Pressman

from The New Quest School

in Keene, New Hampshire.

Um, okay.

Yeah. I sent you a few e-mails,

and left a couple of messages.

Listen, thank you for calling.

Can you please e-mail me your information

and I will call you back?

Hey, not so rough. How'd you like

to have your udder yanked like that?

Excuse me?

- Sorry, I was just talking to a student.

- Uh.

People! Everyone, please.

I have a couple of announcements.

There is an announcement.

Portia, we're a new developmental school,

and we have

our first graduating class this year.

I know you're gonna be making

your school visits in the next few weeks.

I'd like for you to visit our campus.

Our kids would gain a lot from it,

and I think you would, too.

Right, I will look into it. I got to go.

I went to Dartmouth, same time as you...

Bye. Thank you for calling.

So, we're breaking records

in application numbers, naturally,

because we've been number one for so long.

Number one until today.

Princeton has just fallen to number two.

What this means

is that we all have to work harder than ever.

Because I want to go out on top.

Yes, you see, the rumors are true.

I have decided to retire

and pass the baton to a worthy successor.

I'm spending an extra four days

in the Andover Hotchkiss triangle.

And I've added five full days

to the San Francisco Bay Area

in Northern California.

And I've added a number of new schools.

In fact, I was just talking

to the co-founder of Quest,

a developmental high school

with their first year of college applicants.

Clarence, we're going to be back on top.

We're going to make that happen

by working together.

Right, Portia?

Absolutely.

As a mother myself,

I know the importance of teamwork.

And I'm not a mother,

but I know the importance of it, too.

Can't go it alone.

Good.

Because you two are my superstars.

And nothing would make me happier

than if one of you

were to have this office next year.

Okay.

Class of 2016.

Pediatric surgery

best combines my love of children,

of science,

and my desire to give back to my community.

Yes, but you didn't

challenge yourself academically.

B's in physics and you didn't take AP Chem.

Princeton's awesome.

Since 1841, every male in my family

has attended the place.

Student body president

and gymnastics national champion.

Educated family. Privileged upbringing.

Unfair advantage?

Twenty-four hundred on the SAT. 4.5 GPA.

And my poetry,

written in my mother's psych ward,

will be published by Knopf.

And my father is Cuban.

And in a wheelchair.

Hey, can I get some advice?

No. Applicatus interruptus.

You know the rule.

Never start a folder if you can't finish it.

I have to start over anyway. Okay.

This kid from Alaska, Aput Kunayak. Uh...

High grades, but low scores.

President of 10 clubs,

but that might be because of his ADD.

We want to accept people

who will succeed here.

I once fought for a bipolar Inuit girl,

and she lasted 19 days.

Do you think he might fail?

Maybe. I like him.

It's so hard.

You can't take it so personally.

You have to toughen up

or you won't last here either.

Now outsies. I'm swamped.

Portia?

I hope it's you.

Thank you.

Back to work.

Portia?

Hello?

Portia? Portia. Portia.

I'm so sorry. I've got an emergency.

Can you just watch the kids

while I run to the vet?

Because Richard's at his Faulkner seminar.

Me? Mark should have been home

20 minutes ago.

And it's our poetry night.

And, really, I'm the last person

you want watching your kids.

Quiet.

Did someone die?

Rachael's dog's sick. She begged me.

Good times.

I've got essays to grade.

Oh, it's okay.

Aw, it's okay. Mommy's here.

What did you do to them?

Rachael, you know

Portia's not good with kids.

It's not her fault.

Kids just don't take to some people.

I don't know what you were thinking.

Sorry, he's right.

They're like pit bulls. They can smell fear.

Good night.

Take them all.

"A man may do no synne with his wyf,."

"Ne hurte hymselven with his owene knyf."

You know, if I get Clarence's job,

this would be my last travel season.

Lovely and wonderful.

I've got everything timed out.

I'll be back in time for the department lunch.

And I've ordered everything,

you just have to pick up the chicken.

And I will stop and get the famous bean salad

on my way home.

Ah, the famous bean salad.

Is that horrible Woolf woman

going to be there?

Uh.

Helen is the preeminent

Virginia Woolf scholar.

It was quite a coup to get her from Cambridge.

But I think she has other plans.

Lovely and wonderful.

Oh, I like this life.

I do, I do.

Good. So do I.

It's so wonderfully simple.

Well, we're simple folk.

Woof.

Excuse me?

You just patted me on the head like a dog.

Oh, did I?

Good, doggie.

"Whan that Aprille with his shoures soote."

"The droghte of Marche

hath perced to the roote."

Hi. Thank you so much for coming.

My pleasure. We love Deerfield students.

Oh, I'm so pleased. Good.

So, can I help you bring in your things?

Yes, please.

Princeton, in the nation's service

and in the service of all nations.

So, you all want to know

the secret formula for getting in, right?

Take out your pens. Write this down.

There is no secret formula.

Left on Pony Run Drive.

But I will tell you what not to do.

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