Admission Page #2

No champagne. No baked goods.

And when you phone, it is noted in your file.

So put the reins

on those eager parents of yours.

We're looking for passion.

Whatever it's for, doesn't matter.

Passion.

Right on Shady Lane.

Does that mean that

every Princeton undergraduate is a genius?

Or a prodigy? Absolutely not.

Although, we certainly

wouldn't hold it against you.

Almost enough for everyone.

Recalculating.

Recalculating. Recalculating.

Make a U-turn as soon as possible.

- Hey.

- Hi.

Portia Nathan. Princeton admissions office.

I know. I'm John.

- Yes. And you said you went to Dartmouth?

- Uh-huh.

Yeah, and my dad, and his dad, and his dad.

Um, a legacy.

A legacy of what, I'm not really sure.

So, you're chopping some wood here?

I'm showing them

how to build a sustainable irrigation system.

This is my Third World Development class.

Well, nice ax.

Great ax.

- So, let's get to it.

- Yeah.

Hi, there. You all want to know

the secret formula for getting in, right?

Well, take out your pens.

Take 'em out.

Yes?

I'll tell you what I'd like to know.

Why should I apply to an elitist institution

with a history of anti-black,

anti-gay, and anti-female oppression?

Well, actually, I reject that stereotype...

Speaking of rejection,

don't you reject 99.9% of your applicants?

Don't you just want to drum up applications

to keep your number-one position

on U.S. News & World Report?

Actually, I think

it's number two this year, right?

Yes, but...

Um, I'm sure it's an aberration.

Don't people just need a college degree

if you want to pursue

the societally approved definition of success?

Yeah. Wouldn't you be better off

sitting in your room reading books

instead of spending all that money?

I'm sorry, are you a senior?

No, I'm in sixth grade.

Yeah. Portia, this is my son. Nelson.

I'm adopted. I was born in Uganda.

- Love you, buddy.

- Okay, Dad.

I thought it would be educational for him

to sit in on this.

How's it going so far? You learning a lot?

Kind of. Half and half.

Well, there you go.

Okay. Right. Well, Nelson.

Sure, sitting in a room and reading books

would be very cost-effective, but...

Princeton is a corporation,

no different than an oil company.

We should be educating ourselves

to be citizens of the world

and not of some guarded, suburban enclave!

What we want

is to leave the planet better than we found it!

Okay. Well, good luck with that.

Uh, wait, wait.

I wanna hear about Princeton. Please.

Okay, fine.

But, first, I have a question for all of you.

Just how will you leave the planet better?

Will you eradicate disease?

You're gonna need a medical degree.

If you want to create new drug therapies,

that's a PhD.

Do you want to defend the innocent

and secure justice for all?

I regret to inform you

that you will have to go to law school.

There are plenty

of college graduates out there

ardently hoping

to leave the world better than they found it.

We are looking for those people!

Students with blazing minds and hearts

who will change the goddamn world!

All right, Portia. Well done.

I bet you guys feel like a bunch of a**holes.

Sorry, I probably should have warned you.

We tend to encourage

that kind of spirited debate here.

But you did well. You can hit a curveball.

You know,

I'd really like to introduce you to somebody.

This is Jeremiah Balakian.

He's a very special student.

My parents work in a minimart.

They're not very educated.

Do you think that matters or...

Of course not. It's your application.

Maybe I should apply then.

Princeton seems like a cool place.

It's very cool.

So you're saying I should apply?

I'm not really your typical student.

My brain sort of goes

on a little walkabout, you know?

Yes, yes. You should apply.

And if you would like to visit the campus,

we can match you up with an undergrad

- and you can spend the night in his room.

- Oh.

That sounds great.

Then you could hang out

and get to know each other.

Um, I don't really hang out

with the applicants.

- That's not how it works.

- Right.

- Because there's over 20,000 of them.

- Exactly.

Still, I think you should get to know this one.

So, Portia, like The Merchant of Venice?

Yes. My mother thought if she named me that,

I would grow up to be wise.

I'm lucky she didn't name me Athena.

Or Minerva. Or Sophie.

Except a lot of people are named Sophie.

They probably don't even know

what their name means.

Or Metis. That'd be really strange.

Or if your name was Aushenaya,

or Ifiok or Saraswati.

I think you got lucky

if you had to be called

something that stands for wisdom.

Well, thanks for this.

I have to go. I have robotics class.

- Interesting kid.

- He's a great kid.

Yeah, he's become like a part of my family.

I met him at a garage sale.

He was reading a law encyclopedia.

We went and had coffee,

and talked for five hours.

He's a prodigy.

Well, be sure to include all of that

in your recommendation.

Bye.

So, how long have you been at Princeton?

Since college. Sixteen years.

Yeah? Wow.

That's a long time to stay in one place.

- Are you married?

- No. But I live with someone.

- Chair of the English department.

- You have kids?

Thousands.

Can you get these cows out of the way?

Got it. They're enormous.

That one's pregnant.

Where do you stay while you're here?

My mom lives about 10 miles away.

Mom, it's me.

Who?

How many people call you Mom?

Why didn't you tell me you were coming?

I left a message.

I was visiting a school nearby.

I never check my messages.

Ah, it's a good policy.

Thought I'd spend the night

if it's all right with you.

I've got to get up very early

and then hit a few schools

and race back for Mark's department lunch.

How can you stand

those English department gatherings?

What could be more dull?

Sometimes you make sacrifices

for the person

you've been living with for 10 years.

That's what a healthy relationship is, Mom.

Thank God

I'm not in one of those.

Yes. Thank God.

If I had to do what I'm supposed to be

doing every minute of my life,

like you do, I'd kill myself.

Did you just say if you were me

you would kill yourself?

Portia, don't exaggerate.

I'm working on my bike.

You know, they actually have stores

where you can buy bikes already made.

And did you know that women

are the only exploited group in history

to have been idealized into powerlessness?

- Erica Jong.

- Erica Jong, yeah.

Hey, pups. Hey!

Oh. Hi, Gloria. Hi, Betty. Hi!

You're so skinny.

Come on, let's get you something to eat.

No, no! They're not skinny. They're lean.

Dogs are too dependent on humans.

I'm not their slave.

They can get their own damn food.

From where?

Outside. Gophers, squirrels.

The neighbor's cat.

An unattended baby.

They're carnivores.

They're meant to be hunters.

Here, hand me that, that chain break.

Mom, you look bigger.

These? Fake.

Fake? You mean you had a boob job?

No, no, I had a mastectomy.

These are prosthetic.

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes