Admission Page #3

I was wondering, you know,

women who have really big breasts,

I thought, "I'd like to see what that is like."

And I tell you,

they get so in the way, it's unbelievable.

I'm thinking of trading them in for a mid-size.

When? When did you have a mastectomy?

I don't know.

Five weeks ago, or so. Who keeps track?

They found a lump, it was aggressive.

Hadn't spread yet. I'm aggressive, too.

So I said, "What the hell?

Why push my luck? Take 'em both."

Why didn't you tell me?

I am telling you.

Now.

I would have driven you to the hospital.

Portia, I cabbed it. I'm okay.

You know, I'm thinking,

you should start calling me Susannah.

I think this could help us avoid all this

mother-daughter role-playing crap

that you can't seem to shake.

You're welcome to stay,

but there's not much for supper,

unless you want to go pick some kale.

I'm remodeling your old room.

I'm going to go make a tea kettle.

- Portia Nathan.

- John Pressman.

- Hi.

- Um.

Look, I was wondering

if you wanted to maybe get a drink

or a bite to eat or something?

Maybe talk about the application process

since we're new.

I could swing by and pick you up.

I guess I could eat.

The parents all think their kids' acceptance

is the final referendum

on their parenting skills.

- Hello, it's not about you.

- Mmm-hmm.

As far as I can tell,

parents exist just to drive their kids insane.

Course, what the hell do I know, really?

Why, were you raised by wolves?

Wolf. Singular.

One wolf.

- One wolf. And you never wanted kids?

- Mmm.

I love that question. Um.

It seemed unfair to subject anyone

to the miserable experience that I had.

Why would you?

There's no way in hell

I'd raise Nelson the way I was raised.

Why not?

'Cause I was raised by sheep.

- So, Uganda.

- Mmm-hmm.

I was working there.

Nelson's mom was a friend.

And she died in a car crash,

along with his uncle.

Nelson was two.

So you adopted him.

Seemed like the only thing to do.

All my friends thought for sure that I'd bail,

that I was not ready to be a father,

but screw that.

Right. Screw that.

Nelson loves traveling. He loves it.

We've lived in Indonesia,

we built a water purification system

in Myanmar.

I'm sorry. So, you're just this single dad,

traveling the world with his kid, doing good?

When you put it like that

it just sounds so appealing.

But I have that on a T-shirt actually,

"Single dad,

traveling the world with his kid, doing good."

You could borrow it someday if you'd like.

I'm not sure people would believe it on me.

Anyway, it's the best thing I ever did,

adopting a kid.

It's getting late.

Um, excuse me.

Oh, no, I can't do that.

Actually, sorry. I can't except gifts.

Excuse me. Princeton wants to

buy me a chicken sandwich.

Thank you so much.

Portia, there's something I want to ask you.

And I know this is all a bit abrupt.

Yes?

Do you think you have room

for one more in your life?

One more what?

One more person.

Oh, John, that's so sweet.

But... You seem like a great guy, too.

And you can handle an ax,

and you have a very nice nose in your face,

but I have a long-term boyfriend.

Long, long, long term.

And, you know, we are happy.

We're very happy. We're so happy. It's...

Wow. Happy is one

of those words that if you say it a lot,

it loses its meaning, like fork.

- Fork, fork, fork, fork.

- Mmm-hmm.

Happy, happy, happy, happy.

Happy fork. It's not...

Portia, what I mean... Look...

Goodbye. Thank you.

This was so much better than kale.

- Um.

- Oh.

Okay. I'm sorry.

That's... I was going for the cheek.

- Yeah, that's okay.

- Okay!

Well, nice catching up.

And best of luck with the application process.

Here's my card.

I have your card.

- I gave you my card?

- Yeah.

That's great. Then you have my card.

- Oh, my God.

- Sorry.

It was there, you know? You just...

What are you going to do?

Look, the reason that I'm...

Look, I'm an admissions officer,

and you run a school, and I live with someone

and I've had a really long day

and I'm exhausted

and this never happened, do you understand?

Portia... No.

Portia! Look, I asked you here for a reason.

And it wasn't to kiss you.

Please communicate with my associate, Ben,

in the future.

Portia, wait. Wait. It's just... I think...

I think maybe Jeremiah's your son.

What?

Jeremiah.

I think maybe he's your son.

Are you out of your f***ing mind?

All right, you know what, let me rewind.

At Dartmouth, I was friends with Shelley.

I don't know what you're talking about.

And you need to leave. Now.

Portia. Wait.

- Jesus!

- She said leave her alone!

What the hell! Mom, put the gun down!

No means no, a**hole!

I have got this under control! Go inside.

You don't have sh*t under control, Portia.

You never have.

Screw you, Mom!

I do so have my life under control!

You could have been somebody! God damn it.

You could have been a trailblazer.

Right, like you?

Holed up here like some crazy old witch?

You know what?

I'm just going to get into my car, very slowly,

and let you two chat.

Portia, I'll call you?

Please don't.

Well, you're not very good

at returning e-mails.

Hmm.

You all right?

Fine. Watch where you're waving that thing.

Your breasts are sliding off.

Hi, everyone.

Just back from

a boring recruitment trip. Uneventful.

There she is!

So, have you found

the finest young minds in the nation for us?

I'm trying!

Of course she has, she's our golden retriever!

I love this. I love this bean salad.

Just beans and vinaigrette.

So simple, but it just works.

Yeah. Beans.

Oh, hello, Helen.

So glad you could make it after all.

And I can guarantee,

personally, that next year,

all your Virginia Woolf seminars

will be filled with superhumans.

I'll never really understand

your admissions system in America.

'Cause we just do tests.

We don't really care about your childhood

or your recent conversion to Buddhism.

Gray matter, that's what counts.

Helen, would you mind

putting the bread on the table?

Thank you so much.

I want you to know that this, us, this life,

it's everything that I've always wanted.

Helen, back so soon.

Could you put the salad on?

What's she got against bean salad?

Portia, we need to talk.

I can't do this any more. I'm sorry.

Oh, God. I hate these lunches, too.

No. This. Us.

Is that Helen? That's weird.

Portia, I'm having twins.

- What are you talking about?

- Twins.

Twins, I'm having twins.

Mark, you're talking like a crazy person.

Helen is having twins.

My twins. I'm leaving you.

I'm sorry. You had sex with that woman?

A bit.

You had unprotected sex

with that vile Virginia Woolf scholar?

There's no need to make a scene. I am sorry.

You don't deserve this, you don't.

You're loyal and a good companion, and...

Stop it with the dog stuff!

Clean. What? I have to go. Now.

No, no, you have to stay.

We have guests. And we are a family unit.

You didn't want a family.

Neither did you!

No, that's true. I really don't.

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