Admission Page #4

I can't stand babies. They're repulsive.

Oh, God, she's backing out now.

Oh, that's the chicken.

Would you mind terribly

taking it out? Goodbye.

I kissed someone! Almost on purpose!

Mark had an emergency.

A student was having a breakdown

about Robert Frost.

Two roads diverging in a wood,

and which to take.

So, who likes breasts?

Mark loves breasts. The more the merrier!

In fact, why don't I just put this

aside for him for when he gets home.

So, who likes legs? Well, Mark likes legs.

Who likes a**holes? I guess that's me.

Virginia Woolf was a twat.

Extremely overrated.

No Gertrude Stein.

I'll have a breast, please.

Oh, God, damn it. Damn it.

Excuse me.

This is your mother?

Uh, yes.

I saw her lecture on Frida Kahlo in 1977.

She was extremely hot.

Okay.

Is she well? Your mother?

- Yeah, she's fine.

- Good.

Well, thank you for the party.

It was very pleasant.

Everyone is now leaving.

Okay. I shall close this door behind?

Yes. I'll be right out.

Get to work.

I will always be there for you.

Nothing will ever change that.

Top of the morning, Clarence!

Morning.

If you want to take

a couple of personal days...

Um...

Why would I?

Everyone knows?

- About Mark, I mean.

- Yes.

And that Woolf woman.

I'm very sorry about the timing of this.

But I want you to know,

I am here for you 1,000%.

This is my life. It's what I'm good at.

I know.

And, please, rest assured, Clarence,

that nothing will affect my work.

Nothing.

Well, that's great. You just carry on.

Mmm.

And that was the famous Blair Arch.

Here comes one

of our illustrious admissions officers.

Clearly a very busy time for you all.

Any words of wisdom

for hopefully future Princetonians?

What?

Words of wisdom?

Oh.

Just get those applications in,

and remember to be yourself,

'cause who else could you be,

that's who you're stuck with.

Okay, got the idea. Let's keep moving.

Any budding astrophysicists in the crowd?

'Cause I've got a treat for you next.

I'm Jeremiah, from Quest.

Hi. You remember me?

Yes, I remember you.

I'm Nelson.

I remember you, too.

I'm John.

Turns out we had a chance to come

down here today, to visit the campus.

What a surprise.

It's awesome. It's like, ancient!

I'm sorry, but what...

What do you think that you're doing here?

Jeremiah wanted to see the place.

And you and I should talk.

You are out of your mind.

Almost forgot to ask.

Um, remember when you said that

I could spend the night with an undergrad?

Is that still possible?

Okay. Yes. That's possible.

Just catch up with the tour and

meet me back at Admissions.

What are you doing?

You're not allowed in here!

What happened the other night...

Nothing happened the other night.

Right, it was nothing,

so don't let it get in the way of this.

This is Jeremiah's birth certificate.

I knew Shelley, your roommate at Dartmouth.

I had a car.

She borrowed it to pick you up

after you had the baby.

Valentine's Day.

Shelley told me you had the baby

at 1:
00 p.m. on Valentine's Day.

That stuck with me. I hate Valentine's Day.

- It's a despicable holiday.

- It sucks.

Here's the crazy part.

When Jeremiah applied to Quest,

I saw this and I put it together.

It says that he was born

and given up for adoption.

Valentine's Day, 1995,

at 1:
00 p.m. at Blaine Hospital.

I know you didn't ask for this.

And I'm not trying to ruin your life.

But I care about this kid,

and I think he could use

a little more connection in his life.

I didn't tell him anything.

It's your decision. I'm just setting it up.

He has his parents.

He has you, right? Nelson?

Yeah, his parents are great people.

But we're moving on.

Nelson and me.

Hey, maybe it was meant to be.

Nothing is meant to be.

And you don't just barrel into

other people's lives like this.

This is bad form. This is bad form.

Bad form.

I am not a project.

I am not some village

in need of a water system.

- Hi.

- Hi.

John Pressman. Quest School.

Oh, Clarence Hall,

Dean of Admissions. Princeton.

It's quite an operation you have here.

Thank you.

Okay, well, Mr. Pressman was just leaving.

Right. Of course.

It was nice to meet you.

Hey, I heard about you guys

dropping to number two.

Sorry. But number two is, you know...

That's good, too.

Here's the information

you wanted for your student,

the undergrad

he'll be spending the night with.

Thank you. And here is the information

you'll need on that student.

Ben, do you mind

escorting Mr. Pressman out?

And, Mr. Pressman, in the future,

e-mail is the appropriate form

of communication.

Right. Sorry.

Yeah, e-mail. Will do.

All right. See ya.

You know, it's highly unusual,

it's actually unheard of,

for a school director to be back here.

I know.

I think we should hire a security guard

to keep the crazies out,

because it is getting out of control.

Hmm.

Yo, what's up?

I beg your pardon?

I'm looking for my roomie.

Can I help you?

Doing a great job.

So a zombie will move and talk

as if it were awake

and genuinely aware of its surroundings,

but its inner light is off.

Right,

and if it's logically possible for

a creature to have a brain just like yours

and no conscious experience,

then consciousness

is not literally identical to brain activity.

- Exactly!

- Exactly!

Hi, you are not a student.

What? You trying to crash or something here?

Yo, what's up?

I... Hi.

Hi, everyone. I'm from Admissions.

And we like to come in and check on

our overnight high school visitors.

So, Jeremiah, are you warm enough?

Do you have everything that you need?

Do you need a Princeton sweatshirt?

Or did you remember

to bring your toothbrush?

I'm fine. Thanks.

Good. What is that?

It's diet soda.

Diet soda. Why diet?

I just like the taste better.

So do I. That's unbelievable.

I guess?

Just diet soda, no...

Yeah.

Great. Good.

Well, get back to your zombie talk.

Okay. Thank you.

Dude, what a cougar, huh?

- What...

- Hi.

You don't happen to actually have

an extra toothbrush on you, do you?

On me? No. No.

Why, you do need a toothbrush?

- Yeah.

- Okay.

Soft bristles, right?

That's what kids, teenagers,

your age are supposed to use, right?

Um, I think soft might be more for baby teeth.

I prefer to use just, like, a medium.

Yep, don't listen to me.

You'd end up with a mouth full of cavities.

Hey, how about

this rechargeable toothbrush?

That looks pretty cool.

Yeah, I don't think I need that, as much

as I do appreciate Thomas the Tank Engine.

I'm an idiot.

You just pick what you need.

Just...

Okay, then.

Okay.

Well, I guess this is it.

Yeah.

- Thanks.

- Don't mention it.

Portia?

Are you all right?

I'm fine. I'm great. What are you doing here?

We're just up the street.

She said she's fine.

Have you been drinking, Portia?

A little bit, you know me, I'm a lightweight.

Where are your glasses?

Uh, I thought I'd give contacts a try.

Well, all right. Good to see you.

Oh, no.

Ugh.

That's harsh.

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