Admission Page #5

Yes. Yes it is.

- Portia Nathan here.

- Susannah here.

Your mother. Mom.

Mark called. I know he never liked me,

but he thought you might be in need

of some comfort and guidance.

So, I think this is all a very good thing.

Getting left is a good thing? Really?

I have to go.

Good. You're angry. You need to express that.

Talk to me. I'm here for you, sweetie.

Well, I actually feel really sad and...

And that is exactly why I knew that night

on the train 37 years ago,

the man reading I'm OK, You're OK...

No, please, not the train story.

I knew I needed his sperm,

but I did not need him.

Hey, watch yourself, a**hole!

Mom. Susannah.

I wanted a child,

but not some moody relationship.

Sex with a stranger on the New Jersey Transit

was the answer to my problems.

It's not healthy to need

other people too much.

And now you need

to go out and fall in love with yourself.

Well, I'm gonna go do that.

You go, girl.

Yup. Gonna go buy a train ticket right now.

John, Portia again.

This is my eighth, no, ninth message.

Please call me back.

It's very important

that you not tell Jeremiah a thing about

the thing,

the thing that we were talking about.

Not a word. Call me back.

They hooked it up

'cause they didn't have a shield on the horse.

But I wear it like a medal

'cause it tells the world where I belong,

deep down in the working class.

Yeah!

Hey, Princeton, what are you doing?

Just observing the school

so that I can better evaluate applicants.

Cool. I'm cutting class.

Cutting class is never a good idea.

I hate geography class. I hate maps.

You hate maps? Why?

Because you never know

where you'll end up on them.

Not with my dad.

Well, I'm sure your dad has excellent reasons

for leading a rootless and impulsive life.

I thought you loved traveling.

I'm sick of traveling. I love playing bridge.

Besides, do they even

play bridge in Ecuador?

- No idea.

- How long have you been at Princeton?

Sixteen years. But...

Wow. You totally rock!

Yeah? Thanks. Why is that?

Because you're, like, totally predictable.

So, can you tell me

where I could find your dad?

I've been trying to reach you.

I left you a million messages!

Yeah, well, sorry, I'm a little busy.

What are you doing to that cow?

Cow's in labor. I'd shake your hand, but I...

Look, I never told a soul...

Stay back. This cow doesn't know you.

Actually, I think we met

the last time I was here.

Do you even know whether Jeremiah

wants to meet his birth mother?

He wrote an essay last year

entitled, "Nature versus Nurture",

"I wonder who my birth parents are."

Portia, the wise!

Nelson told me you were here.

I just wanted to thank you so much.

I had the best night of my life.

There's nothing I want more in life

than to go to Princeton. Nothing.

Is something wrong with that cow?

Where's the goddamn vet! Ugh!

Well, I'm gonna find my own way out.

Sh*t! This isn't right.

This isn't how it looks on the Internet!

Okay, bye now. Best of luck with all that.

Come back. Grab her head. Calm her down.

You said stay back.

I changed my mind!

She looks so mad.

Well, she's probably protecting her young.

Hey there, little mama.

It's all gonna be okay.

Just focus on your breath.

Your terrible, terrible breath.

Think how lucky you are

not to be on a beef ranch right now.

I'm sorry. That was inappropriate.

Where's the bull that did this to you?

He's probably out partying with his friends.

She's clamping again.

Jeremiah, get back here, please. Fast!

You're not alone.

You're not alone, okay, mama?

We're here with you. You can do this.

'Cause it happens either way.

It happens either way.

All right, it's coming.

Portia, get back here now.

Horrible.

Grab a hoof. Grab a hoof. All right.

On the count of three.

One.

Two. Three. Pull!

It's gross!

Boundaries!

Did you not see my "Do not disturb" sign?

Yeah, I saw it, but you're not the only one

who reeks of cow placenta.

Why do you have

"Do not disturb" signs with you?

Oh, I don't know. Maybe for times like these?

Here, try this soap.

Look, he's a great kid,

and you're clearly

a great, mildly compulsive, woman.

Take the leap!

I'm sorry, who's mildly compulsive?

Why do you run around

fixing everyone else's life?

What about yours?

My life is fine, thank you very much.

It's frigging great.

Ah, God, the water just turned to ice!

Oh, oops, sorry.

Yeah, it's solar powered. Bit finicky.

Jeremiah has to get his application in pronto.

Work on his resume.

A unique talent that demonstrates passion

and commitment would be good.

He has got to get going on his essay.

And then you have to prepare him

for an alumni interview.

You may have built schools

in third world countries,

and cleaned

contaminated water from villages,

but you have never tried

to get a kid into Princeton.

- Neither have you.

- I am not trying!

I'm an admissions officer.

I am just helping you try.

As I would with any outstanding student

who may have been overlooked.

There's nothing improper going on here.

I'm going to exit the shower stall now.

Okay.

I'm going to remain in the shower stall

for approximately 30 seconds.

Fantastic.

- Hey.

- Yes? How can I help you?

You think he has a shot?

Send me his transcripts.

Nelson, take a corner kick.

What was that? Do it again.

I'm not good at corner kicks.

Horse sh*t! Put your heart into it!

Hey, Portia, how you doing?

This is, without a doubt,

the worst transcript I have ever seen!

Switch.

D's and F's in 9th, 10th and 11th grade.

Suspensions, detentions, a Special Ed class?

What the hell were you thinking?

Did you read the rest of it?

Why, am I missing a police record?

Come on, man. Quit half-assing it, huh?

You play like that,

those Ecuadorian kids are gonna eat you up!

All right. Jeremiah got the top score

on eight Advanced Placement tests

without ever taking

the Advanced Placement courses.

And his SATs are almost perfect.

God, did he...

Cheat? No.

I insisted he take those tests.

He's brilliant. He's the most brilliant student

I've come across.

- Really?

- Switch!

Regardless, kids like Jeremiah

don't get into Princeton.

He is gonna be up against

kids that have resumes 15-feet long.

So? Those kids are so burnt out already,

all they want to do is get stoned

and play Frisbee for the rest of their lives.

Princeton would be damn lucky

to have Jeremiah.

Hey, ftbol, ftbol. It's a world sport, all right.

Put some heart into it!

Did you get that other thing I sent you?

In the box.

Very funny.

Look, he wants this. He really wants this.

And I think he would thrive there. I can see it.

Look, I can't do anything

that could get me into trouble.

But since you're new to the process,

as a professional courtesy,

I can send you books, resources,

everything that one might need. Okay?

- Great.

- Goodbye.

What the hell was that?

I put my heart into it. Ftbol.

I'll give you 10 bucks if you can do it again.

They grow up so damn fast, don't they?

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