Adult Beginners Page #2

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Can you get me a sweatshirt,

please?

Ah! F*** you,

you pressed wood piece of sh*t.

Oh, look who it is.

Good nap?

Yeah, I forgot where I was.

You were in my bed

with your shoes on.

- Uh...

- It's okay.

Hey, sorry to hear about,

you know, everything.

Oh, no worries.

So you gonna replace that door

with more sconces?

We're doing reclaimed walnut.

Justine and Teddy are upstairs.

Oh, I'll go say hi to them.

You know what, no, no,

don't do that.

She's pretty upset

about that nap.

Why don't you be

my little helper?

Help me take the door off.

You know I pay a guy to hang

pictures in my apartment.

Dude, it's very easy.

You just take this,

put it in there...

- Uh-huh.

- And then look.

Exciting.

- Do I need goggles?

- No, dude.

Like that?

Yeah.

Oh!

- Oh, ho.

- Lookit, lookit.

- Hey!

- Hey! Holy sh*t!

- Hey.

- Teddy!

Unky!

Look how big you are!

You're like an adult man.

I'm holding an adult man!

I have a train table.

Yeah, I just used

an electric screwdriver.

Let's go crazy!

Let's go crazy in the morning.

We just came in

to say goodnight.

Good night?

What time is it?

7:
45.

Time for books and bed.

- Oh!

- What?

Sh*t, that means I've been

sleeping for, like, nine hours.

91/2.

Shucks, that's a long nap.

Shucks!

You can't be mad at people

for napping.

Dude, we get mad at anybody

who gets any sleep.

Okay, Mr. Monster Man,

let's bring it in.

- Family hug.

- Bring it in.

- Family hug. Come on.

- No!

Oh!

I'm hungry, I'm gonna have to

eat some of... grr.

No, you can't eat him!

All right.

- Mwah.

- I'll start dinner.

- Hi.

- Good night.

- Okay.

- Good night!

Night, Teddy.

What is that?

- This guy.

- Is that that...

Is that that song

from The Shining?

Yeah, this guy wants to kill me.

I love that song.

Jeez, You guys are eating

like rescue dogs.

I know, we got to slow down.

You talk to him yet?

No.

What?

I need to stay here

for a few months.

Yeah, sure.

Mm!

What?

My sister moved back in

with my parents

after she had

that nervous breakdown,

dropped out of school.

Same thing.

Yeah, it's the same thing

as that.

I haven't had a chance

to talk to him yet.

I can help out around the house,

buy groceries, build stuff,

rip sh*t out of walls as needed.

You want to watch Teddy?

Yeah, sure.

I'll watch cartoons with him

while you guys have

a night on the town.

I could do that, like,

every other week.

He can watch Teddy.

You mean like "watch him"

watch him?

- No.

- Come on, dude.

That day care sucks.

It's not clean.

The kids are always

licking the toys, and...

One got whooping cough

last week.

Yeah, It's f***ing dark ages

there.

Plus, he'll help us out

money-wise.

We're not broke.

Well...

What?

Hi.

What the f***'s going on?

I...

Nothing, it's...

Well,

I guess...

The idea on the table

is that you...

stay for a few months,

and you look after Teddy.

Guys, I'm talking about,

like, buying groceries,

maybe build a few things.

I need you to make me

feel better.

Come on, you f***.

He's cute.

You need to get a flu shot.

We'll take care of it, dock it

out of your pay, or whatever.

Oh, we're paying him now?

We can't not.

Can't not.

How much we talking about?

A day?

A week, maybe.

You should take it, bro.

Fine.

Awesome!

I'm gonna get the Breyers.

You seriously gonna do this?

You know I have a DUI, right?

You don't trust me

with your kid?

Absolutely.

Dude!

The old room.

I'm gonna need, like, four guys

to get rid of that thing.

- It's all right.

- Look,

left your dope-ass

Bar Mitzvah thing up.

Guess I had a lot of interests.

Still badass.

Are you okay?

Do you want to talk?

No, I'm good.

Open or closed?

Closed.

Good night.

Good night.

Hey, so you're cool, right,

with the whole thing?

- Yeah.

- Yeah?

Fine.

Okay.

He decides when he comes

and when he goes, you know.

Whatever works for him.

Okay, so we are gonna

talk about it?

No, no, I'm sorry.

I'm done.

- Yeah?

- Yeah.

Okay.

You know, he doesn't even

know how old Teddy is.

I just don't... I mean, it's not

like he has to get him anything.

He's just like my dad.

Everything's a fly-by, I...

He just shows up here like...

Okay, I'm gonna go

and drink a coke

- so we can keep talking about it.

- No, it's fine.

No, it's fine, it's fine.

I...

He's my brother.

Okay.

F***, I forgot

to brush my teeth.

Spit in this.

I love you.

Hmm?

I love you.

- I'm sorry, I didn't...

- Okay.

I'm jumping.

Stop.

Stop, Teddy.

Too early, buddy.

Stop jumping on the bed, okay?

It's 7:
00.

We've been up for two hours.

- What?

- Yeah.

He has?

How's that possible?

That's crazy.

It's going down!

Can you... I really feel it.

Can you?

Yeah, I can feel it.

Unky Jake needs a little coffee,

and then I'll be ready

to play, okay?

Coffee bean!

Coffee beans!

"I used to just splash.

Now I make waves.

"I used to be shy.

Now I am brave.

"I used to just watch.

Now I can dig.

I used to be little.

Now I am big."

How is this not

putting you to sleep?

Okay, Teddy's gonna be

a good boy

while Unky Jake

does his business.

No, Teddy, you can't

play with that.

That is a heavy

glass paperweight.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

You can't play with glass

like that, buddy.

Okay.

Hold on a second,

we're gonna deal with this.

This better be an emergency.

Yeah, no, this is an emergency.

I can't even go to the bathroom

without him breaking something.

I'm here with a student

who is literally

a million times smarter

than you.

She's gonna get into Harvard.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

Jake, just leave the door open.

I tried leaving the door open,

but your devil child

wouldn't listen to me.

I'm sorry,

it's my little brother.

He's kind of an idiot.

Oh my God, mine's

an effing moron.

You really think

I can get into Harvard?

Yeah, I really do.

Don't climb up there.

Teddy, please,

just give me one minute.

Teddy, that's...

t's fragile.

I know you think

this is hilarious,

but this is one of the more

embarrassing events of my life.

Look, Jean, if Shirley's gonna

organize meeting with parents

about college prep strategy

during lunch,

I'm gonna need

a little more notice.

What's happening?

Are we rescheduling?

You left me a note

about a parent meeting?

Yes, I did, right there

in your mailbox.

I have a cell phone.

Yes, I know you have

a cell phone.

- They're everywhere.

- Look, Shirley,

my brother just showed up

out of nowhere

and he's staying with us.

I'm pregnant.

I have a doctor's appointment.

Listen, I'm sure

the baby will be great,

but I would like

for you and I to be great,

and that means we gotta put

a little more effort

into our communication.

Mm-hmm.

Okay.

So let me be clear.

You want me to miss

my ultrasound appointment

to check that my baby is healthy

because I didn't check

my mailbox?

Jean, we'll reschedule.

Can you make that happen?

And please look around

and find my password.

I can never remember it.

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