Adult Beginners Page #3

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Yeah?

Hi, uh, how do you

open the stroller,

and what time

are you coming home?

You step down on it, and then

you push the handles up and out.

I can't talk, I'm at work.

I gotta go.

Who I am,

not for what

you wanted me to be.

I just wanted you to be happy.

That's all.

Oh, my God.

Sweet rides, right?

Good afternoon, ladies.

What, you've never

seen a kid in a suitcase before?

Who's a stud, Teddy?

Me!

Yeah, that's right.

Suitcase stud!

Kind of a beat scene,

huh, Teddy?

Teddy, why don't you go hit

the monkey bars for a second?

Yeah, why don't you go hit

the jungle gym, bud.

Oof.

They grow up so fast now,

they can just play on their own.

- Hmm.

- Hmm.

How old's your little boy?

She's a girl.

No doubt, no doubt.

You're a girl too, aren't you?

I'm Jake.

Blanca.

Blanca?

But you're not white?

Funny.

- I know, right?

- Mm-hmm.

It's crazy.

Yeah, it's funny,

'cause it's like...

- Whoo! Pa-pow, pow, pow!

Pa-pow, pow, pow, pow, pow!

Pa-pow, pow!

Hey, Armin.

Hey, Blanca.

Mwah.

- How are you, gorgeous?

- No, you're gorgeous.

No, Georgia is gorgeous.

Hello, Georgia.

Hey, if you want,

Bash and I are gonna go

have snacks

on the giant turtle today,

- so you are invited.

- Ooh.

Oh, sh*t, I forgot

to feed Teddy.

Do you have any snacks?

Hey, language, man.

Just a little something.

I'm sorry, he...

- Wow.

- So this is Teddy's nanny.

Oh.

I'm actually his uncle,

and what does "oh" mean?

Ah, nothing, man.

I'm just effing with you.

Oh, hey, are you guys going

to the wool festival today?

- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, great.

You're gonna love this.

It's... they've got live sheep.

The kids can pet the sheep.

There's a knitting workshop.

The kids go crazy for it.

There's a yarn toss.

- Remember, we went last year.

- Uh-huh.

Oh, is that where you made

the pizza hat?

Nope, Blanca got me this hat.

'Cause I was gonna say,

it's awesome.

- Yeah.

- I mean, everybody loves pizza.

You know, I'm not touching carbs

right now, but...

- We're going.

- Okay, good.

Oh, sh*t.

No, don't sip it from the straw.

Hold it up to your face,

please, okay?

There you go, like that.

- Good.

- Hey!

Oh.

Hi, little monster.

How's my little baby?

You okay, hey, honey?

I'm letting him do

whatever he wants.

Hey, you did exactly

what I would've done.

Tongues and lips bleed

like a m-o-t-h-e-r-f-u-c-k-e-r.

- Hey, hey. Let me see.

- I don't know what you're spelling.

I called you, like,

a gazillion times, with information.

Hey, I'm sorry. I know,

I had my phone on silent.

I had five students today

who didn't

get into their first choice

of schools.

It was an s-h-i-t-show.

- Just stop spelling.

- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

I had to pry his mouth open

to see if his teeth

were still there.

It was f***ing rough.

My God, you still have

baby blood on your shirt.

What?

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Oh.

Okay, hey, let me wash it.

I'll wash it off for you.

Jake.

Whoa, what's up, Channing Tatum?

Huh?

What is up with that?

That is my letter of resignation

written in baby blood.

Come on, it's been one day.

Where are you going?

I don't know, I just... I gotta

go out for a little while.

I'll bring the car back,

and then I'm gonna figure out

where I'm gonna go next.

Jake, come on.

Hey.

Hey.

Are you my little monster?

Huh?

Yeah?

Let me see your mouth, baby.

Oh.

Hey, are you smoking

my cigarettes?

What?

You're smoking?

- No.

- You're an idiot.

- Don't yell at me.

- I'm not yelling at you.

Please.

You're about to have two kids.

No cigarettes, please.

And they're not yours.

You have to ask.

Smooshed.

You know I can just buy more.

Not on your salary.

Good night, a**holes.

Ow.

Don't kiss me so it hurts.

So what's up?

Uh, nothing.

Well, what are you gonna do now?

Well, I was gonna sit here

and obsess over all the sh*t

I've done wrong

the last few years,

and then probably fall asleep

watching Bravo.

Want to smoke pot?

I don't have pot.

So cigarettes are a no-fly zone

but she's okay with this,

or she doesn't know about this?

Dude, I stopped this.

When he turned two, I stopped.

And she didn't even ask me

to stop.

She was like,

"You don't have to stop

'cause he's getting older,"

and I was like,

"I don't... I want to stop,"

and she's like, "Well, you don't

have to want to stop just

because he's getting older."

I-I'm like...

I don't know... Dude, I don't

know, stop asking questions.

Hey, you like the renovations?

No.

Nah.

I like that you like

staying up late.

I love staying up late.

And this... this gets

the smell out?

F*** yeah.

It's unreal, man.

I did, like, a whole system.

I put f***ing Joy's blanket

that she gave us... right?

That's perfect...

Fan, f***ing box...

Oh, sure, but you know what?

I always forget to do this.

You know, Teddy has got

the tiniest f***ing hands.

He puts 'em all over everything

so I have to do this.

His hands are tiny.

Dude, it's no joke.

They're teeny.

- His hand is tiny.

- He says...

His mom... I mean,

your sister's are tiny.

His little ears... his ears.

The ears, you can't even see

your sister's ears.

Justine's...

Hold on, what is that?

That something?

So what's your plan?

Well, I'm gonna eat

all the Cheddar Bunnies

in the goddamn universe.

After that, I don't know.

Are you scared?

I don't want

to start over again.

At least I'm not getting

death threats anymore.

F*** it, dude, you should just

open a cheese shop.

Or a bakery.

Like, little, tiny pies.

That's all anybody wants,

is comfort, right?

All right, 17 weeks.

Great.

If you want me to film this, I...

No.

Are you wanting to know

the sex of the child?

Don't.

Don't say anything.

Danny likes surprises.

I can't even look at this.

Oh, my God, what is that?

What?

- Babe, you're an a**hole.

- Just relax.

Fluid looks great.

Yes, my fluid.

It looks good.

You can't be that happy,

you're getting a massage

in a strip mall.

No.

No, no, no, no.

Wow.

Been drinking?

No. I had, like,

31/2 glasses of Riesling.

Dude, You can't drink

and drive my car.

Okay, Dad.

You already know I have a kid,

that's not really an insult.

I'm not drunk.

Good day?

Yeah, yeah, I went...

Got some frozen yogurt

waiting for that bar to open.

Cross Creek Square.

Awesome.

Yeah, you know that one,

it's across the street

from the frame store and that

sad-ass spa. You been there?

Got a lot of choices over there.

You can get whatever you want.

A lot of toppings.

So how was that spa?

Okay, I don't wanna...

What?

I don't know.

Look at me, I'm drunk,

and I'm not even gonna

remember this tomorrow.

You're not drunk, dude.

Okay, listen to me.

I went and I had a massage

with my business associate.

I know that sounds bad,

but we weren't even

in the same room.

It's not a good spa.

I came in here for juice.

Hey, look, I f*** around on all

my girlfriends a little bit,

so don't listen to me. I don't

even know what I'm saying.

You know what you're saying.

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