Adventures in Babysitting Page #5

So I'll write the check over to you

and take the hot dog.

- You got a pen?

- Get out of here.

Wait. I'm starving. You'd rather

throw it away than give it to me?

- I work on a cash-only basis.

- But it's a perfectly good check.

No! I'll make it very clear.

You slip me the cash

- and I'll slip you the wiener.

- But I don't have any cash.

Then I don't have a wiener!

There you are. One stitch. All better.

- One stitch?

- Yes, one stitch.

My only shot at

ever being in a gang fight

and all I get is one stitch?

Chris is going to think I'm a total failure.

Dr. Nuhkbane, the guy

with the stab wounds just died.

Oh, dear.

Oh, Doctor. We're looking for a friend.

- Your friend? Which one is he?

- He's the one with the stab wound.

- Oh, dear.

- What?

- I am sorry. Your friend is dead.

- Dead?

- Dead?

- Dead?

SARA:
Chris!

BRAD:
Sara, what happened?

Brad!

Daryl, why are you hugging me?

Brad, don't you ever die on me. Ever.

Okay. I won't.

What's going on? What happened?

Oh, dear, you're her friend.

She's fainted.

(GASPS)

I had the worst nightmare.

We were stuck in this...

- It's really happening.

- Some night, huh?

It's all right. I made a mistake, see?

He's fine.

DR. NUHKBANE:
Now, you children,

you stay right here.

I'll send the nurse back

with the paperwork.

Come on with me.

Paperwork. She's going to want

to know my name and stuff.

- I'm going to call my mom.

- No, no mothers.

They'll kill us. No way. No.

Hey, you kids!

Where's my car, God damn it?

- Mr. Pruitt!

- Babysitter! You want your car?

- Come on. It's fixed. Let's go.

- Hey, wait a minute there.

- What are you doing here?

- I got a little banged up.

- Where's our car?

- At Dawson's Garage.

- Is her car okay?

- Yeah. I paid for the window.

That's my fault. But Dawson's going

to make you pay for the tire.

- How much?

- Fifty bucks.

- Fifty bucks?

- Yeah, 50 bucks.

- Here we go.

- Where are you going?

- I'm a fugitive now, okay?

- Kind of like us.

- Good luck, babysitter.

- You too, Mr. Pruitt!

COP:
Hey, Pruitt, stop!

Hold it right there!

- Where are we going to get 50 bucks?

- Maybe we could sell Daryl. You think?

We will think of something. Come on.

- SARA:
Chris, I got to make.

- You got to what?

I got to go to the bathroom.

I've really got to go.

- Just try and hold it, honey, okay?

- Sounds like a party.

Looks like a party... It is a party!

- Daryl, get back here.

- Sorry, can't talk. Got to run.

Why do I have this feeling

we're never going to see him again?

Come on, Sara, you can go

to the bathroom in there.

Good.

(SINGING) I've been trying to get to you

for a long time

Because constantly

you been on my mind

I was thinking

about a shortcut I could take

But it seems like I made a mistake

Now I was wrong

I took too long

I really have to go to the bathroom.

- I have to go really bad.

- In a minute.

The expressway to your heart, babe

The expressway is not the best way

I don't believe it.

FRAT BOY 1:
Who is it?

Some high-IQ kids?

FRAT BOY 2:
No, stupid,

it's Miss March.

- There's Daryl.

- No way!

- It is Miss March.

- What?

- This is amazing.

- Could you sign this? Right here.

- I can't believe it.

- Can't believe what?

- This is not me.

- It sure is you.

It is not.

- What's your name?

- It's not Shaylene.

- She's not Shaylene.

- Wait a minute.

Guys, come on. Think about this.

Do you honestly believe

a Playboy centerfold

would have nothing better to do

on a night like this

than to show up at a Kappa party

with a bunch of kids?

- Yeah.

- Maybe.

Where's your brain?

Told you it wasn't her, stupid.

Sorry.

- Thanks.

- You're welcome.

I've really got to go, Chris.

Uh.

- Where's your bathroom?

- It's right that way.

I'll... I'll take Sara to the bathroom.

One! Two! Three!

(ALL ROARING)

(BICYCLE BELL RINGING)

- Hey, guys.

- I must be hallucinating.

Does anybody else see a talking penis?

Hey, speaking of penises, do you know

how the Playboy Unabashed Dictionary

defines oral gratification?

I do.

DAN:
I haven't seen you

around campus much. You a freshman?

- Sophomore. You can't be a junior.

- I'm a senior.

- In high school.

- In high school?

- Yeah.

- I can't believe it.

What?

The prettiest girl at the University

of Chicago is in high school.

- Oh, that was good.

- No, I mean it.

Yeah?

- Want to dance?

- I don't have time.

- She'll be in line for a while.

- Okay.

- I'm Dan. Dan Lynch.

- I'm going to slow it down now and

do a song I wrote for the woman I love.

Do it, Bobby.

(SINGING) I go through each day

Hoping for something

Some little sign

- So, you're babysitting these kids?

- I don't think you can call it babysitting.

If they end up as drug addicts

and mass-murderers it's my fault.

Look, don't worry about it.

Everything's going to be okay.

- I think you're doing a great job.

- You do?

Sure I do.

I mean, you've gotten the kids this far.

They're still alive.

It could be a lot worse.

It could be.

I know how quickly time flies

I see my future in your eyes

Yes, I've felt the sorrow

and I've heard the crying

Believe me, I've tasted the tears

But I never thought

That in just one heartbeat

It's always the same.

All he cares about are the Bears,

the Bengals, the Dolphins.

What about the love?

The romance?

And the sex?

I care about those things.

- Deeply.

- I'm so lonely.

How could a righteous babe like you

be lonely?

That's the sweetest thing

anyone's ever said to me.

- Really?

- Want to go to bed?

I see my future in your eyes

- I really have to go.

- No, no, no.

Tell me how I can help.

What do you need?

Well... Actually, I...

- I need $50.

- No problem.

Really?

All I got is a 20.

- Oh, no, that's fine.

- No, wait right here.

I'll be right back.

- He is getting us $50.

- That's terrific.

- Hi. We're going to get the money.

- Really?

Isn't that great, Brad?

I could only get 45.

Oh, no, that's great.

Thank you so much.

Luann. What the hell are you doing?

You've been replaced,

you big dumb bohunk.

- Oh, you're dead, kid.

- I didn't touch her. I'm a child.

Lay off, he's just a kid,

you big dumb bohunk.

I'm driving.

- DARYL:
This is really weird.

- You're weird.

- The car is fixed.

- That's great. That's wonderful.

- Thank you. Really.

- No problem.

Why don't you go pay for the car,

and I'll wait out here

and see that you get out okay?

No, that's okay. We'll be fine.

- Are you sure?

- Yeah, I'm sure.

Okay.

Take care of yourself.

- See you, guys.

- Bye.

Wait.

How am I going to find you

to pay you back?

Don't worry about it.

Maybe I'll see you again.

Come on, Brad.

Seems pretty cool, right?

CHRIS:
Mr. Dawson?

BRAD:
Hello?

SARA:
Mr. Dawson?

CHRIS:
Is anybody here?

SARA:
Hello?

Hello?

Mr. Dawson?

BRAD:
Mr. Dawson?

(STEAM HISSING)

Thor!

Sara...

O Thor, mighty God of Thunder.

Who is this kid?

CHRIS:
You must be Mr. Dawson, right?

- Secret identity.

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