Adventures In Public School

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1

I like to think about the

beginning of the universe a lot.

A lot, a lot.

About how there's

ten trillion galaxies,

more stars than grains

of sand on the Earth,

how it's been around for 13.82

billion years, give or take.

So why does this stupid

little moment feel so big?

It's so small.

My first day

at public school.

That's my mom

holding my hand.

Are you sure we should

be holding hands?

- Yeah, yeah, obviously.

- Don't be nervous.

Let's go in. I'm freezing

my tits off out here.

Okay.

Big freaking exam day.

I don't know this yet,

but walking through those doors

is gonna change my life forever,

like some supernova

explosion of love.

Wait. Oh, that's a

really pretty image.

Rewind.

Let's go to

the beginning of me.

Hey, Liam.

Hey. Liam?

Okay, what are your obstacles

for tomorrow's exam? Go.

Uh, sometimes I get lazy with my

handwriting and my Y's look like J's.

- Yes.

- I can do better. I can do better.

Mom, uh...

And I get nervous sweats.

Go to Cambridge,

study with Stephen Hawking,

become the second-most famous

astronomer of all time.

Honey, I think you can

become most famous.

I mean, it's Stephen

Hawking, come on.

Hot hint for today's

practice exam,

it's just a practice.

But tomorrow, not too

much water pre-exam.

- Why not?

- Too many bathroom breaks.

- Right.

- Okay.

Batter up. Ready?

I'm already

a little bit excited.

- Yeah.

- Yeah, look, I'm sweating.

- Really?

- Looks like excite sweat.

- That's fun.

- You wanna feel it?

Yeah.

Ew! Okay.

All right. Ready?

You may begin... now.

Oh, nuts!

- Can I sharpen my pencil?

- Yes.

We should get you

a good mechanical pencil.

- Really?

- Mmm-hmm.

- Let's celebrate!

- Okay.

Wiggles]

- I am.

What do you mean?

-L'm celebrating.

- When?

- Right now.

- Now?

- Right now.

- You're celebrating right now?

Yep.

Well, we can really celebrate

at prom tomorrow night.

Are you excited?

We can really cut loose.

Yeah, I was thinking of maybe

just doing some silent reading.

Liam!

When you graduate,

you have to have a prom.

It's a rite of passage.

Who did you invite?

YOU?

Well, of course I'm

gonna be there, sweetie.

- My best friend.

- You know what?

I love you infinity.

Go outside

and play, kiddo.

Okay.

Okay, now remember,

always put down an answer

even if you don't know

the answer.

And start with

the easiest questions first,

and then move on

to the hardest questions,

because that way you'll

leave yourself more time

for the things

you don't know

and you won't stress out

about the things

that you do know,

because you'll

be freaking out about

some of the harder questions.

Liam?

Wow, there are

so many students!

Honey, focus.

- Focus, okay?

- Yeah.

Ugh! I had to

go to this school.

I had to go to this school for

stupid people, but you don't.

You're going to Cambridge,

because you are special

and you're perfect, all right?

Remember that.

Now we put you in layers,

because if it gets cold,

you can put 'em back on.

When you get hot,

you can take 'em off.

Okay, and don't, like,

look all, like, up in the sky

back and forth

like Stevie Wonder

if you don't

know the answer,

because they will nail

your butt for cheating.

They will. Okay?

Now, when you

pass this test,

you are

a high school graduate.

Okay, go! Go get 'em!

What? Oh!

Hi, Autumn.

Hi, Liam.

Meet Autumn.

She runs a not-for-profit

that protests

cruelty to snails.

All this training

for you, my dear.

And you can begin...

now.

Only losers

get 97 fricking percent.

I've been here all morning.

Autumn insisted

that we come early.

Gross.

You know, Autumn's

been requesting

we do a unit

on Bolivian weaving.

- Hmm.

- She can't get enough of it. Get this.

She made a traditional

Bolivian flat-knot for me.

I've been using it

as a phone case.

Liam is

obsessed with black holes.

- I love it when you do that.

- Thank you.

Do you want me

to talk dirty?

Yes.

Looks like we're gonna need

a new trophy case, huh?

These aren't trophies.

They're just awards

for participation.

We have a very high

rate of participation.

It's Dumbo. Participation's

mandatory, not award-worthy.

Well, at this school,

it's award-worthy, you know.

I'm the principal.

- Okay.

- That's nice.

Normally that

impresses people.

My name's on this one.

It's a participation award

for the debate club.

Oh, yeah. There you go.

Yeah. Hey, congrats.

Thanks. I got pregnant

on that field trip.

That's quite a bit

of participation.

I have a son.

I home-school him.

Home-school kids.

- Normally that impresses people.

- Yeah.

Well, hey,

next time you're here,

we'll setup an appointment and

we'll talk curriculum. Yeah?

Okay, great. We'll probably

never be here again, though.

- Okay.

- Ugh!

That was the closest

I've been to sex in a while.

Me, too.

You know, the kids here

are getting way more than me,

like circle-jerk

parties at 13!

Yeah. That's why I'm going

with Liam to Cambridge,

to protect him

from getting derailed.

Autumn's not getting

derailed without me.

No one's having sex

with those kids but us.

Around.

- Yes.

- Or nearby at least.

'Etimer b e8 was! ps1

Fifty-three minutes left.

Good Job, Liam.

Pat on the back.

What? All done?

It's impossible.

Apparently it is not.

Uh, you should know that

someone wrote on the desk

with permanent marker,

"You're a dirty cocksucker."

I'm not

a dirty cocksucker.

It wasn't me.

The light from

the Quanta 6 supernova

is probably hitting

Earth right now.

Wow! Crazy!

Can I get my test back?

- Yeah, what's your name?

-lt's Liam Heap.

It's right there.

It's the only one there.

Right.

You're the kid that called me

"the dirty cocksucker."

That wasn't me.

Somebody wrote it on the desk.

You kids start

these nasty rumors

about me and Tony,

the Phys. Ed. teacher,

because you see me and Tony

hanging at lunch, shooting hoops?

Well, all right, yeah.

I had been with a man,

and it was Tony.

But I'm... I'm not

a dirty cocksucker.

Can I just have

my test back, please?

Okay.

You double-aced it, right?

I mean, you did, right?

You did. I can tell.

Ooh! It's written all over

your superb little face.

I almost think

we should get ice cream.

Almost.

You know what else

I was thinking?

I was thinking today...

um, I'm gonna go

to Cambridge with you.

I mean, why not?

You're gonna be there

all by yourself. Right?

Right?

Oh, well, it's locked

and zippered.

Well, let's just...

Oh, wait.

Hold on one second.

I have the key!

So I will...

Oh, wow! It is not

budging the vault.

I see.

It's the wrong key, Mom.

Cambridge. Oh, God!

University life.

Hey, you got any

hotties coming in?

No, I don't have

any girlfriends here.

Hey, what's that?

My friend book.

It's like online,

but not online.

As you can see, the top two

spaces are solidly filled,

but the third

is up for grabs.

If you're interested,

I can put you down.

Yeah. Yeah, yeah,

put me down there.

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