Adventures of Eddie 7 Derwood. Piolt-- The Urn

Half hour TV Series Title-- The Adventures of Eddie & Derwood

PILOT EPISODE:

The Urn, An Eddie Hoar and Derwood Doller Caper

Written by Jed Power

Based on characters from the eight-book Dan Marlowe/ Hampton Beach, NH, Crime Series by Jed Power

Contact Info:

Name Jed Power

Email jedpower@verizon.net Phone Number (978) 979-2371

FADE IN:
Teaser

EXT.HAMPTON BEACH BOARDWALK.. MORNING

A uniformed Hampton police officer is walking the boardwalk. Two women with a gaggle of kids run up to him.

WOMAN #1 Officer, officer.

COP:

Maam, Maam. What’s the problem?

Both women are out of breath and hysterical. Woman #2

It’s horrible! Horrible. Disgusting.

COP:

What is, ladies? Slow down. Tell

me what’s wrong?

Both women try to get their excitement under control and corral their children close to them.

WOMAN #1

There’s two of them and they are

horrible.

COP:

Ok, Slow down and just tell me.

Two what?

WOMAN #2 Two creatures, Horrible,

disgusting creatures in the ladies room.

COP:

Creatures? Slow Down. Tell me.

The women ring their hands and make faces of disgust

WOMAN @1

Two men. If that’s what you can

call them

WOMAN #2 Beasts! Filthy gross beasts.

That’s what they are.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

2.

COP:

In the ladies room? What were

they doing?

THE KIDS START SHOUTING ALL AT ONCE

Kids

One was washing his hair in the sink.

And the other man was washing his feet and then his, hairy, disgusting chest in another.

And their clothes too.

OLDER GIRL:

Our mothers got us right out of there. Cop looks very concerned.

COP:

Did they expose themselves or try

or say anything inappropriate, ladies.

WOMAN #1

No, but dear god.. Little girls go

in there and hem just being in there ewashing their feet and gross bodies is inappropriate.

COP:

Yes, it is. I’ll tske care of it.

Cop starts walking quickly toward restrooms.

EXT. OCEAN BOULEVARD, HAMPTON BEACH - DAY--FIVE MINUTES LATER

Two men, both 30-ish, are seated on a bench in front of the Seashell Entertainment Stage.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

One men is talking and gesturing animatedly. They are pssing,back and forth, a quart bottle of beer. Eddie Hoar, the talker, is a skinny, pasty white low-life with a crooked grin and greasy hair. He is wearing bright, out-of-date, wrinlked disco-era clothes. Derwood Doller, his-partner-in-crime, is seated beside him. He is a large, slow-witted-looking man with a bowl haircut. he is wearing cutoff faded jeans shorts that are too tight around his ample, white thighs. His black and maroon sweatshirt’s sleeves are whacked off at his biceps and the front is emblazoned with the word “Harvard.” For full-time beach residents, they both have unusually pale skin. Eddie sees the cop approaching them.

EDDIE HOAR:

I smell bscon.

Derwood points his nose up and sniffs the air,

DERWOOD Where’s it coming from? I’m

starvin’

Right there, Dumwood.

Eddie looks exasperated. And nods toward the approaching cop.

DERWOOD ( SHAKES HIS HEAD) I told you not to call me that,

Eddie...you know I don’t like it.

Derwood grabs Eddie in a headlock and with his free hand gives Eddie a hard knuckle noogie on his head.

EDDIE (HOWLS) Can’t ya take a joke?

DERWOOD:

Not from you, Eddie. I’m on a

damn short leash with you.

Eddie pushes Derwood’s hand from his head. The cop jogs toward the two men.

EDDIE:

Let me do the talkin’. I know how

to handle the law.

EDDIE:

(CONTINUED)

3.

CONTINUED:
(2)

4.

Derwood shakes his head and looks doubtful.

DERWOOD:

Sure you do, Eddie. Whatever you

say. But ain’t You gonna finnish tellin’ ne about your new score idea?

Eddie looks flummoxed.

EDDIE:

What do you want me to do

Dum...err...err Derwood tell the cop my brsinstorm, too. I’ll tell you the rest as soon as I get rid of him.

The Cop reaches the two men and scowls.

COP:

?ou Tw b*obs. I might have known

it was you...Eddie Hoar and Derwood Doller.What The hell were you two doing in the ladies rest room?

The cop does a double take as Eddie holds the beer bottle up to his lips. His Adam’s apple is sliding up and down his skinny neck ss he chugs the beer.

COP (ANGRY) Dump The beer out, Hoar and

trashcan the bottle,

Eddie sadly pours out the beer and walks the short distance to a rubbish barrel and tosses the bottle in.

Eddie returns and takes his seat beside Derwood.The Cop Looks disgustedly at the two men.

COP:

I ought to take you in for the

beer alone. You know there’s no public drinking on the beach, And it’s ten o’clock in the morning for, Crissake! Ain’t you two got any decency?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
(3)

DERWOOD Eddie ain’t got much. that, officer, if you

Eddie just told me.

5.

COP (EXASPERATED) I don’t give a sh*t what he just told you. What the hell were you

two doin’ in the Lady’s room washing your feet and hair in the sinks?

Eddie points over toward the men’s room. There is a large sign on the door-- “Out of Service.”

EDDIE:

We had no choice. The men’s room

ain’t workin. Cop looks frustrated.

COP:

Can’t you two clowns use your own

bathroom? You still down at that rattrap on B Street, aren’t you?

Eddie sniffles his nose and looks disgusted.

EDDIE:

Yeah and that’s part of the

problem. Our toilet’s backed up and it stinks in there.

DERWOOD:

Yeah, Eddie jammed it up with his

giant logs again. Happens every time he scores some pain pills. For a few days.He Gets all jammed up and when he finally shits they’re the size of an arm.

Eddie bats the air with one hand in Derwood’s direction.

EDDIE:

Shut up, Dum...err...errr.

Derwood. Whattaya want to get me arrested?

Cop shakes his head in pity as he looks at the two good- for-nothings.

You’d know heard what

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
(4)

COP:

I couldn’t be bothered. I don’t

want to spend the rest of my shift involved with you two morons. Stay outta the lady’s room and do your beer drinking inside somewhere.

Eddie gives a nod and an insincere smile.

EDDIE:

Sure, officer. No problem.

The cop starts to walk away toward Ocean Boulevard.

Eddie, loud enough so Derwood, but not so the cop, can hear.

EDDIE:

Whatever you say, Barney Fife. Now

get the f*** outta here. Derwood chuckles.

DERWOOD:

Boy, Eddie, that was brave. Why

didn’t you wait till he was home for supper to say it? Now you gonna finish tell’n me about your brilliant new scam?

Eddie rises up on the bench.

EDDIE:

Like I was tellin’ you before we

was so rudely interrupted, we’re gonna snatch some guy’s ashes and hold them for a ransom from his wife. A Big ransom!

DERWOOD ( SHAKES HIS HEAD I don’t know, Eddie. That’s

pretty low...even for you.

EDDIE (LOOKS AT DERWOOD AND

SCOWLS)

Whattya mean, low even for me?

Ain’t nothing low about it. Business is all it is.

DERWOOD:

But stealin’ an old lady’s dead

husband’s ashes? (MORE)

6.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
(5)

DERWOOD (CONT'D) Jeez, we could get jinxed doin’ somethin’ like that. And we got

enough bad luck as it is.

EDDIE:

Don’t be so negative, Dumwood.

This is easy dough.

DERWOOD ( SHAKES HIS HEAD

DOUBTFULLY))

I told you not to call me that,

Eddie...you know I don’t like it.

They go thru their routine again.Derwood grabs Eddie in a headlock and with his free hand gives Eddie another hard knuckle noogie on his head.

EDDIE (LOUDLY) Can’t ya take a joke?

DERWOOD:

Not from you, Eddie. Nothin you do

is funny to me.Especially When I usually end up doin’ time because of it.

Eddie pushes Derwood’s hand from his head.

EDDIE:

Now stop f***in’ around and let me

tell ya more about this idea of mine. It’s pure genius. I’m tellin’ ya, Dum...ahh, ahhh...Derwood, this is gonna be easy money. I was at the High Tide having a beer and this plumber got talkin’ about an old hag he did work for.

DERWOOD:

I thought you was banned from the

Tide for boltin’ on a check? EDDIE (TURNING RED)

That was a misunderstanding. Besides, the owner is on vacation or something, so she wasn’t there.

DERWOOD:

Ya, okay, Eddie. So what’d the

plumber tell you, or did he just show you his plumber’s crack?

(CONTINUED)

7.

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