Adventures of Eddie 7 Derwood. Piolt-- The Urn Page #2

CONTINUED:
(6)

EDDIE:

Very funny. This is serious sh*t.

The lady is a little demented or somethin’ and she keeps her husband’s ashes in an expensive urn on the mantlepiece and treats it like a little shrine.

DERWOOD What’s an urn, Eddie?

Eddie shakes his head in disbelief.

EDDIE:

I just told ya! That’s a thing

they keep dead people’s ashes in. And this urn is real fancy and probably worth dough even without the ashes. So...we can’t lose. Even if the old hag is glad to be rid of her husband and won’t pay to get him back, we can still pawn the freakin’ urn. A win-win.

DERWOOD:

I don’t know, Eddie. Screwin’

around with dead people I don’t like it.

EDDIE:

Well, how would you like sleepin’

on the beach? If we don’t get some rent money soon, that’s where we’ll be.

DERWOOD:

I wouldn’t like that, Eddie. It’s cold down there, but at least I wouldn’t have to smell your farts like I do now in our little bedroom. They’re disgustin’ and burn my nose.

EDDIE:

I’m tellin’ ya, this will be an

easy score. Have I ever steered you wrong?

8.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
(7)

9.

Derwood (thinking)

Well, there was that time at the arcade with the slugs you said wouldn’t jam the machines and when they did the bunch of kids that works there tossed us out the door onto Ocean Boulevard and I got clipped by that car....

EDDIE:

Ahhh, you got a busted leg. Big

Deal . You gonna go on about that forever? Grow a pair, will ya?

DERWOOD:

um, and what about that time at the parking lot we took over and you said the owner was out of town and he wasn’t and he came back and caught us parking cars there at thirty bucks a car and he socked me in the jaw...oh, then there was the time...

EDDIE:

Forget that stuff. I was just

startin’ my career then. I’m in my prime now. This’ll be as easy as pie. You’re such a downer, I don’t know why I let you hang around with me.

DERWOOD:

‘Cause no one else will come near

you, Eddie, that’s why. You screw everybody.

EDDIE:

Now just shut up. I’m gonna tell

you how we’re gonna do it.

DERWOOD Oh boy, here we go.

ACT 2

EXT. SIDE OF COTTAGE ON THE SAND - A FEW NIGHTS LATER

Eddie and Derwood are crouched below the side window of a cottage on the sand of Hampton Beach. Both men are peering around nervously.

DERWOOD:

You sure no one’s home, Eddie?

EDDIE (IRRITATED)

I told you, the plumber said she stays off the beach at her kid’s place all weekend.

Eddie pulls on gloves and Derwood pulls a woolen cap down low on his huge head.

DERWOOD:

I hope you’re right for once,

Eddie.

EDDIE:

Clam up, Dunce. You don’t see any

lights on, do you?

DERWOOD:

No lights makes it worse. I don’t

like foolin’ around with dead people. even in the light. It’s askin’for trouble.

EDDIE:

Put a sock in it, will ya? It’s

only ashes. Pretend it’s just a big ashtray. Check and see if we gotta jimmy the window.

Derwood stretches to his full height and slides the window open a couple of inches.

EDDIE:

Good. Now get in there and see

10.

what you see.

I don’t wanna go first, Eddie.

DERWOOD (VOICE SHAKING)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

11.

EDDIE:

What are you? A scardy-cat? Get

the hell in there.

DERWOOD:

You go You’re always makin’ me

go first. Besides, I can’t get high enough to boost myself in.

Eddie drops to all fours on the sand.

EDDIE:

Get on my back and get up there

and in.

Derwood puts one foot on Eddie’s back and with a grunt brings his other foot, and all his weight, onto Eddie’s back. Eddie howls and collapses on the sand like a cheap beach chair. Derwood lands on top of him.

EDDIE:

Get off me, you big lummox.

You’re crushing me.

Eddie and Derwood untangle themselves from each other and stand.

DERWOOD (SMIRKING)

I guess you’re gonna have to go first after all, Eddie.

EDDIE:

You’re thinkin’ of that when you

coulda killed me. I couldn’t breathe, a**hole. Get on your knees.

Derwood gets down on all fours and skinny Eddie hops on his back. No problems this time. Within seconds Eddie has the window open all the way. He climbs inside and sticks his head back out and lowers his hand down toward Derwood.

EDDIE:

Jump and grab my hand. I’ll pull

you in.

Everything okay in there, Eddie?

DERWOOD (NERVOUSLY)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
(2)

EDDIE:

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Get in here,

you freakin’ clown.

Derwood jumps high as Eddie grabs and pulls his arm. A minute later the big man is inside, standing beside Eddie.

INT. FRONT ROOM OF COTTAGE - NIGHT.

Eddie has a flashlight on and is splaying the beam around the room. It is a dated living room--sofa, two stuffed chairs and a table with a lamp. Eddie stops the beam on the mantlepiece above a fireplace and directly on to an ornate urn.

EDDIE (EXCITEDLY)

There it is. Just like I told ya. Take it down.

DERWOOD:

I don’t know, Eddie, I got the

creeps.

EDDIE:

I’ll creep you. Get it down, will

ya? I’m holding the flashlight. I can’t do everything.

Both men walk to the fireplace. Derwood puts both hands on the urn and grunts. He starts shaking.

EDDIE:

Jesus, what’s the matter now? Is

it electrified?

DERWOOD:

I can’t move it. It’s stuck.

There are loud scratching noises.

EDDIE:

Whattaya mean stuck? And stop

scratching at it. You’ll ruin my merchandise.

(CONTINUED)

12.

CONTINUED:

13. DERWOOD LOOKING AROUND NERVOUSLY)

I ain’t scratching anything.

EDDIE:

Twist it around. Maybe the old

bag glued it on.

DERWOOD:

If she did, she used Superglue.

Derwood turns, looks toward Eddie, his eyes bulging.

DERWOOD Ahhh...ahh...Eddie...

EDDIE:

What’s the matter with you now?

Derwood points behind Eddie.

DERWOOD Be...be...behind you.

Eddie turns and the flashlight’s beam falls on the face of an ugly and none to friendly-looking dog, who is pawing at the floor and then he begins to growl.

Eddie holds up his free hand, palm toward the animal.

EDDIE (VOICE SHAKING) Easy, boy, easy.

The dog growls more and flashes his teeth, as Derwood begins to edge slowly toward the window. Suddenly he makes a dash for it.

DERWOOD:

The window, Eddie, the window.

I’m gettin’ outta here.

EDDIE:

Outta my way! I’m goin’ first. I

came in first, I should leave first.

Eddie collides into Derwood trying to get by him. He shoves Derwood out of his way and heads for the window. He drops the flashlight and, in the dark, all hell breaks loose. The men scream, furniture and lamps tumble over, glass breaks, the dog barks and then the gnashing of teeth.

(CONTINUED)

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