Adventures of Eddie 7 Derwood. Piolt-- The Urn Page #3

CONTINUED:
(2)

Derwood makes it to the window first, throws it open and piles out. Behind him there are more screams, along with a cacophony of noises.

14.

ACT 3

INT. KITCHEN OF A SMALL, DUMPY STUDIO APARTMENT ON OCEAN BOULEVARD - NEXT DAY

Eddie and Derwood are seated on plastic-covered chairs around a formica table. Eddie also has a rubber donut under his ass. He has on grayish BVDs that bag around his scrawny, white thighs. His arms and legs are covered with gauze and tape. Derwood only has a few small bandages here and there on his body.

Derwood points at the donut under Eddie’s ass and smirks. Eddie scowls.

DERWOOD:

You outta be happy, Eddie. The

doc said if that mutt took a bigger piece of your ass, you woulda needed a new one.

Eddie shifts in his seat and grimaces.

EDDIE:

Very funny. You and that quack up

at Exeter Hospital are regular comedians...not! If youda let me out that window first, like I told you to, none of this woulda happened to me.

DERWOOD:

But then it woulda happened to me,

Eddie. I’d be sittin’ on that whatchamacallit. It was all your fault, after all. Always is. you and your crackpot ideas.

EDDIE:

My fault? How was I supposed to

know she had Cujo for a pet?

DERWOOD:

I just thought of something. You

didn’t know that plumber before you met him in the bar, did ya?

EDDIE:

How do I know? I’ve met almost

everyone on the beach at one time or another. I’m very well known around here. You Know that.

15.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

16.

DERWOOD Yeah...a well known ripoff.

You’ve burned almost everyone on the beach. Did you owe this plumber any money?

EDDIE:

Maybe a little from a long time

ago and I musta paid him back.

DERWOOD:

Sure you did. Just like you have

everyone else you’ve owed money to around here. That’s why we can barely show our faces on the beach without getting our asses kicked. And now I get it! That plumber that gave you the tip, you ripped him off and he knew about the dog. He set you up! I mean...us up.

EDDIE:

Stop bellyaching, will ya? It

coulda been worse. We coulda gotten busted.

As if on cue,There is a loud banging at the door and both men look towards it.

VO (LOUDLY) Hampton Police. Open up. Now, Hoar! We know you’re in there.

DERWOOD:

Wow, Eddie, there’s one thing

you’re sure good at.

EDDIE What’s that?

DERWOOD:

Gettin’ us into a jackpot. Every

time you get us screwed. You’re the best at that. Battin’ a thousand.

EDDIE F*** you, Dumwood.

DERWOOD:

I keep tellin’ ya not to call me

that. I don’t like it.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:
(2)

Derwood hollers and comes across the table, his hands going for Eddie’s neck. Eddie howlss just as the door crashes open and a few of Hampton Beach’s finest storm into the room.

17.

ACT 4

INT,HANPTON BEACH POLICE STATION CELL--NIGHT

Eddie and Derwood are layed out on adjacent metal beds attached to opposite walls in a small jail cell. They both have worn, thin blankete pulled up to their chins. There is a loud fart,

DERWOOD:

If that stinks, Eddie, I’m gonna

beat your ass.

EDDIE:

Don’t worry, mine smell like rose

petals

DERWOOD:

Sure, ones that been sh*t ouutta a

goose’s ass.

The light in the cell block blazes on and a uniformed cop, the Turnkey, walks by the cell.

TURNKEY:

What the hell is that smell?

DERWOOD:

It’s this a**hole I’m stuck in

here with. It’s one of his rose petals.

The cop looks in at Eddie and shakes his head,

TURNKEY:

What crawled up and died inside a

you?

Derwood jumps up and rushes over to Eddie, He begins to pummel him, while Eddie howls and covers his head.

DERWOOD:

It smells like rotting cheap cold

cuts. I can’t stay in here.. Get me outta here.

The turnkey runs his nightstick loudly back and forth on the bars.

18.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

19.

TURNKEY:

Knock it off Doller or I’ll put

someone else in here after court and make you share Hoar’s bunk, head to feet.Reminds Me Get up you two birds. Time for your ride to that district court.

The turn key opens the cell and Eddie and Derwood step out and are both hand cuffed.

INT. DISTRICT COURT. LATE MORNING.

Eddie and Derwood stand at a table facing the judge’s bench. A man ,their lawyer, who introduces himself as Public Defender James Connally stands beside them. He doesn’t look happy to be representing the two. He Has wild hair and a wrinkled, cheap suit. The bald judge glances down at papers in front of him, shuffles them and then shifts his glance up and peers over his glasses at the people standing before him. He shakes his head in disgust.

JUDGE:

Misters Hoar & Doller! Haven’t

you gotten sick of jail yet? I know I’m getting sick of seeing you two in my courtroom, that’s for sure! What is it with these two geniuses this time, Mister prosecutor?

The prosecutor. seated At the adjacent table, is impeccably dressed and groomed. e tands.

PROSECUTOR:

Your honor, you have the documents

in front of you, and even still, you probably won’t believe it but these two men sre accused of breaking into a Hampton widow’s home, stealing an urn with her husband’s ashes inside and then trying to ransom the ashes back to her and of hocking the empty urn at a Seabrook pawn shop. The charges of...Extortion, Breaking & Entering, Possession of stolen property are all Felonys And we are looking into additional charges as I speak.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED:

Attorney Connally jumps up from his chair.

ATTY CONNALLY:

Your honor, my clients were set up

and entrapped on this incident.

JUDGE (LOUDLY) Well, at least this time you two

are accused of felonys instead of the small-tine misdeamenor scams you are usually in front of me for. And that means,if you are found guilty, instead of a vacation in the county jail I Will be sentencibg you both to the state prison in Concord and ,believe me, that is what I intend to do... if you are found guilty.

Eddie starts wailing and his body is shaking trembles pitifully

EDDIE N...N...No... p...p...please...

I’ll be good. I promise.

JUDGE:

Too late for that Mister Hoar.

.Let’s Hear the ecidence and find out where you two will be sleeping tonight.

20.

There is a noise like rain and Derwood looks down at the floor beside Eddie. Derwood jumps farther away from Eddie. Derwood reacts horrified.

DERWOOD:

Eddie, you punk scardy-cat. You’re

pissing your pants.

Snickers and giggles go up from the spectators. The judge throws up his hands and shouts angrily

JUDGE:

Baliff, Get this man to the

bathroom and get the janitor in here to clean this up. Now, I’ve seen everything and I can already smell it, too.

Eddie red-faced and humiliated drops onto his chair. (CONTINUED)

, His voice

CONTINUED:
(2)

Derwood looks incensed.

DERWOOD:

Wherever we end up goin’, Eddie

pretend you don’t know me. They’ll already have heard this story and I don’t want my tier buddies beatin’ the sh*t outta me, like I’m sure’s gonna happen to you.

Eddie starts shaking again and his voice trembles ridiculously.

21.

Eddie trys to rally some inner courage and stands up on his toes as he speaks to Derwood, but his voice shakes like a leaf in a hurricane.

EDDIE:

Shut up. Dumwood, this is ALL your

fault.

Derwood, in a rage, knocks over his chair, and gets to his feet.

DERWOOD:

My fault ? Eddie, you piece a sh*t

AND I told you not to call me that!

The judge calls for order in the court.

JUDGE:

And watch the damn language, both

of you.

Derwood goes for Eddie, grabs him around the neck with both hands and lifts him a foot off the floor. Eddie’s legs swing wildly, his eyes bug and he gurgles and sputters.

The judge shouts and bangs his gavel furiously.

JUDGE:

Officers, officers. Get these men out of here, now before I blow my

top!

A group of court officers descend on Eddie and Derwood and haul them out of the court through a side door. Eddie can be heard protesting and demanding his constitutional rights from the other side of the door.

Judge(calmly)

(CONTINUED)

Rate this script:0.0 / 0 votes