After Sex Page #4

those pills.

Mmwah!

Can I ask you something?

I hate when you do that.

Ask me if you're gonna

ask me something.

You're already asking

me something

by asking if you can

ask me something.

Okay, I'm sorry.

So?

Well...

if you had the chance to go

back in time and change things--

you know, like,

you and I being together,

would you?

Would I change anything

if I could go back in time?

Yeah.

No.

God, no.

Gene, I wouldn't change

a single thing.

I couldn't have dreamed up

a better life

in my best

night's sleep.

You're still my knight

in shining armor.

Always have been,

always will be.

You're just as amazing

as the first night I met you.

Who would have thought we would

have found love at a gangbang?

Do you remember

that key party

where old Walter Cotton couldn't

get his pecker out of my ass?

Oh, yeah!

Remember the look

on his face?

Oh, sure do!

Ho ho!

He was like

a helpless pup

locked up with

a b*tch in heat.

All he was missing

was the amused owner

chasing his little

water hose.

You remember what

his wife Diane said

after he finally

got it out?

Oh, yeah. She said,

"Who wants pudding?"

Whoa, what's wrong

with that crazy woman?

Oh, God!

So gross!

Oh, he was a kick

in the pants, huh?

And hung like a horse.

You ain't lying.

He had a dick so big

it'd choke a donkey.

Looked like a baby's leg,

didn't it?

Yeah...a fat baby.

Sex was different

back then.

Yeah. Everything was so

much more free, you know?

No rules, no ambitions, no jealousies.

Mm-hmm.

No shaved pubic hair.

Mm-hmm.

And no diseases that

you couldn't take care of

with a visit

to the doctor

and a quick shot

of penicillin.

Today-- let me

tell you something--

these kids gotta wear

a coat of armor

before they park their car

in any woman's garage.

I would wear

three or four.

Yeah, you would.

Do you remember

the night

I brought home

LouAnn and Cecilia

after the Jefferson Airplane

show at the Fillmore?

The summer of 1969.

Uh-huh.

I couldn't forget that

if I tried.

No matter

how long we live,

I'll never be able to

repay you for that night.

I didn't know

fisting was possible.

Oh, yeah,

it's possible.

Hurts like a son of a gun,

but it's possible.

That girl was cryin'! "Whaaa!" Yeah.

She had pleasure

and pain at the same time.

"Aahhh! Wahhhh!"

Oh, God.

Well, it hurt.

Yeah.

"Wahhhh!"

I'd say,

damn right it hurt.

Somebody got their fist

up your damn thing, girl.

Oh, God!

It won't be

feeling good.

Mwah!

What do you think

the kids would think

if they knew about us?

What, you mean

about our past?

Yeah.

You mean the swapping

and the...sex stuff?

Yes, you numbskull.

I swear,

sometimes I think

you're as thickheaded

as a mule.

You don't have

to be so nasty.

Maybe they'll have

heart attacks.

You think?

Who would want to think

about their parents

doing the bang-bang-bang?

You know, bang, bang,

bang, bang, bang.

Daddy got his

drawers off,

big old butt sticking

up in the air.

Bang, bang.

Bang, bang, bang.

Oh, shut up.

I always wondered

if they knew.

Nah. No way.

Mm-mmm.

Do you think, uh--

You think they'd be ashamed?

I don't know; it's hard to

figure out what they think.

Yeah, well, I guess there's no

use in worrying about it now.

No use at all.

Let me tell you something.

We made our decisions, and we lived

through them, and now we're here.

What more

can we ask for?

Yeah, you're right.

I know I'm right,

baby doll.

Sh*t, after 40 years

of marriage,

you think you would

figure that out by now.

Cupcakes, 40.

Gene?

Hmm?

What year were we married?

You ever think

we'd end up here?

What do you mean,

"here"?

You know, me, you,

together, old?

We're not that old.

Yeah.

We're no spring chickens,

I'll tell you that.

Well, we're not old.

Old is Bea Arthur

and Bob Hope and...

What's that guy

that owns everything?

Ted Turner?

Yeah.

They're old.

We're not old.

We're...refined.

But Bob Hope is dead.

Yeah, true.

But to answer

your question,

I don't know if I ever

thought we'd end up here.

I don't know.

I hoped.

Yeah.

Me, too.

You know, out of all

the other women

I buried my bone in--

and you know me, I buried

my bone in a lot of them--

there was never

anyone but you.

You've always had

a way with words, Gene.

You old sweet thing, you.

Come on.

Don't call me old.

Bite you.

F***ing--

Gotta be--

Goddammit!

Get off me!

Whoo!

Can't you come

a little quicker?

No, bro.

Oh, buddy.

Mm! Oh, f***, bro.

Man, wow,

that was rockin'.

Rock and roll, man!

Put 'er there, buddy.

Aah! That hurts!

Mmm!

Oh, f***in'...

Uhh!

Whoo!

So what do you

want to do?

I don't know.

What's everybody else

doing, man?

They're going dancing.

They're heading down

to Boys Town.

It's '80s night

at Rage.

God, our friends are

so f***ing gay, man.

Tell me about it.

So what do you think?

I don't know.

Any other ideas?

I don't know.

We could stay up

all night

and have sex

like rock stars,

keep up the neighbors,

sweat...

shake the earth.

Sounds pretty nice,

but...I wasn't joking.

My ass kinda hurts.

Wanna go catch a movie

or something?

Oh, yeah?

What's out?

Not much.

Seems the only entertainment

I've been getting

from going to the theater is

watching some poor sap pay 12.50

to see some half-assed recycled

excuse for a motion picture.

Yeah, man.

Well, we're two of those

poor saps, mister.

I wanna drive.

I'm driving.

So, uh, how's this

gonna work, man?

What do you mean?

I mean, how's this

gonna work?

You mean us?

Yes, Bob.

I don't know, Neil.

Why do you ask?

'Cause I wanna f***ing know, that's why.

Well, I don't have a

f***ing answer, all right?

My ass is so sore.

Well, don't expect me

to be the f***ing b*tch

in this relationship,

you got it?

I'm the butch.

I've always been

the butch.

I'll always

be the butch.

Neil's the f***ing butch,

you know what I mean?

F***ing Christ,

do we have to have

the State of the Union

talk right f***ing now?

Yeah. Yeah, we do.

What--

I'm no b*tch!

Well, that's our

problem, Einstein.

Why does it have to be

a f***ing problem?

'Cause that's the way

it f***ing works, man.

There's the b*tch

and there's the butch.

I don't make

the rules, okay?

That's so pass.

Pass?

Yes, pass.

Ladies and gentlemen, I believe

we've found ourselves a b*tch!

Pull over.

Pull over.

So where were we?

Oh, yeah.

Listen, just because

the heterosexual public

has a uniformed

stereotype

of what a normal gay

couple's dynamic should be

doesn't mean that we,

the gay community,

have to abide by their

small-minded perceptions

and their inability

to think outside the box.

So what are you

proposing?

I'm not proposing

anything.

I'm just saying that

just because people expect

a b*tch and a butch

doesn't--

that doesn't mean that's

the way it has to be.

I mean, look at

Ingrid and Sarah.

They're both f***ing

butch as f***,

and they've been

happily together

for f***ing over

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