After Sex Page #5

You're right.

Lesbians are so

ahead of the curve.

They are. They're on top

of their f***ing game, man.

And you don't see the

two of them feeling bad

for not fitting into the

socially expected archetypes

of what a happy

gay couple should be.

Neil, I just--

I don't understand why this

is bothering you so much.

I don't know,

it's just that...

all the gay couples

we know,

there's a masculine

and a fem.

So?

I don't know, it's just

rare that a gay couple

breaks the mold,

that's all.

I think you're

forgetting

about the first

gay couple, man.

Who's that?

R2-D2 and C-3PO.

What are you

talking about?

C-3PO was a total b*tch.

Oh, Lord, I do hope we make it

to the launch pad on time.

Hurry, R2.

Hurry.

Faggots, man.

F*ggot talk.

Yeah, but what

was R2, then?

Oh, okay. I think I see

where you're going with this.

See? I mean, some can argue

that R2 was the b*tch,

I mean, for constantly

putting up with 3PO's sh*t.

And continuing

to hang out with him

even though

the persistent nagging

by that f***ing

British twat.

You made your point.

But on a small

side note,

R2 and 3P0 weren't

the fist gay couple.

What? Shut up.

Of course they were.

Nope, you're wrong.

Who was it, then?

Gilligan and the Skipper.

Oh, sh*t!

Yeah.

I never thought

about it like that.

You never thought about that?

You kidding me?

You never noticed

the pet name "Little Buddy"?

Come on!

And the fact that

Ginger and Mary Ann,

those fine little

pieces of ass,

never got any action

from either one of them?

They were f***ing

hot, too.

Yeah, if they only

had d*cks.

And a mouthful.

Oh, yeah.

So I guess no one

has to be the b*tch.

Neil, neither of us are

capable of being the b*tch.

You're the lead singer

of a hair band,

and I'm a high school

football coach.

We both hate the f***

out of Barbra Streisand.

Sh*t.

Listen, I don't know

how it works,

but it does,

all right?

And...I'm not

gonna change,

and I know you're

not gonna change,

so why should we

f***ing change, then?

I mean,

you're happy, right?

Oh, yeah.

And I'm happy, too.

Yeah.

So f*** everyone!

Neil?

Yeah?

Thanks.

For what?

For just being you.

Yeah, no problem.

What?

What what?

I'm glad we're together,

you know, and...

I'm really glad we...

we can talk the way

we do, you know?

I'm just-- I'm...

I've never been able to talk to

someone the way I talk to you.

How did this

suddenly turn into

an After School

Special, man?

Come on, Neil...

just 'cause

you're a manly man

doesn't mean you

can't have a heart.

Yeah.

Be Neil here.

I'm just sayin'

I don't...

I just want you

to know that...

I appreciate you,

you know?

Are you serious?

Yeah, I'm serious.

Cool.

Thanks.

I appreciate you,

too, you know.

I'm sorry if I, uh...

don't express my feelings.

It's just-- that's not

really my thing, you know?

Jesus, now I sound like

I'm an After School Special.

It's okay.

I know your deal.

Why do we do this?

I don't know.

It was good, though.

It's always good.

That was never the

problem with us, David.

Yeah, so what

was the problem?

The problem is you.

Me?

Yeah, you.

You're emotionally

unavailable

and completely

unwilling

to open yourself up

to anyone.

That is not true.

I'm completely

open with Yesenia.

Her name is Yesenia?

Yeah. What's wrong

with that?

Nothing.

Never mind.

Anyway, that's why we're

no longer together,

whether you want to

fess up to it or not.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa.

So you're saying

the only reason

that we broke up

was because of me?

Yeah.

What about you?

What about me?

Hmm, let's see.

You were totally jealous,

completely insecure,

and always certain that

I was cheating on you.

You were always

cheating on me.

Yeah, but you didn't

know that.

Here's what your

problem is, Jordy.

You are unable

to trust anyone.

That's bullshit.

I trust Greg.

Wait. His name is Greg,

like Greg Brady?

I love that guy.

I used to watch

that guy growing up.

I'm a big fan.

Yeah, so?

He's nice.

And he doesn't stick his dick

in everything that moves.

So I like women?

So what?

David, when you're

with someone,

you know, together,

the idea is that

you're only with them.

I told you my weaknesses

from the very beginning.

You also told me

you'd change.

You said you loved me.

I did love you.

And yet you still

managed to f***

the majority

of my friends,

one in my own bed,

no less.

Oh, and this Greg is just the

king of monogamy, I presume?

Greg and I have been

together for over a year,

and he has not so much

as looked at another girl.

That's what you think.

That's what I know.

Greg and I are in love.

Then...why are you here?

Why are you here?

Look, I'm not the one

claiming to be in love.

Yesenia's just a...

a thing, you know?

She knows the deal.

Oh. So...

she'd have no problem

knowing that you just

rented a room in a hotel

so you could f***

your ex-girlfriend?

Don't analyze me. I don't

need that sh*t right now.

Why, 'cause it's

the truth?

No, because you're not

a f***ing psychiatrist.

I'm not paying you

a hundred dollars an hour

to figure out

what's wrong with me.

You're just mad because

you know I'm dead-on.

So what if you're dead-on.

What does that prove?

It proves exactly

what I said before.

You're f***ing delusional,

you know that?

If that's not the pot

calling the kettle black...

What?

Look, I know what I am,

and I'm fine with it.

You, on the other hand, are caught

up in this f***ing fantasy world

where everyone

is who you want them to be,

but not who they are.

The truth hurts,

don't it?

F*** you.

Aw. Now you're gonna

get all mad at me

because I told you

the truth

after you blasted me out of

the water with your judgment?

F*** you.

And you wonder

why I left.

Oh, that's rich.

That's good, Jordy.

You left.

Well, that's not really the way that I remember it.

But that's okay. We can go back and

rewrite the book of "David and Jordy."

Oh, just shut up,

okay?

Okay.

You don't still

have feelings for me?

No, of course not.

I am so over you.

Okay, well, you never

answered me, then.

Why are you here?

You never answered

me either.

With what?

Why are you here?

Jesus Christ, Jordy.

I thought we pretty much

covered this, didn't we?

Okay, to paraphrase

the long and tedious subject

that we just discussed,

I am a womanizer, okay?

I like all different

types of women.

I like the way

that they smell.

I like the way

that they taste.

I like the way

that they f***!

The problem is

I find it hard

to stay loyal or honest

to one particular woman

at one particular time.

There, I said it.

Fine. Are you happy?

Now why are you here?

I don't know.

I really don't know.

Look, are you happy

with...Tom?

John? What the f***

is his name again?

Greg.

Yeah, Greg.

Aren't you happy

with Greg?

Yeah. I mean,

yes, I am.

Then why?

I don't have an answer.

I don't f***ing know,

all right?

All right, Jesus.

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