After the Reality

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1

What?

- Dad?

- Dad!

All right, you're all

mic'd up there and ready to go.

I can't believe I'm getting

your voicemail again.

This is it, Scottie. Dad only

has a few weeks left.

When are you flying in?

Just call me back.

All right cliff, magic time!

If I was smart, I'd fire him.

Really?

Yeah.

- Hey Joe.

- Good luck!

Can we get last looks?

Good to see

you again. Quiet please!

All right,

let's, uh, talk about Kelly.

You saw her

tape, right? She saw yours.

I gotta be honest, you know,

I can already sense this chemistry

between the two of you. Do you?

Uh well, sh-she's beautiful.

What, what else is there to say?

I mean she's, she's an

all-American girl.

Oh come on, Scottie, give me more.

What did you think?

Did you think she was marriage material?

Princess material?

- Oh, uh, y-you want me to sell it?

Scottie, I just want you.

There's no doubt about it.

Kelly is that girl next door,

who gives you that kind of look that makes

you want to come down from your horse.

Kelly's my dream girl,

but she's more than a dream.

It's really kind of exciting

when you see her.

She's like one of the

guys, you know?

This season of young bucks

comes to an end Monday night.

She is a knockout!

Even darkness is not dark to

Kelly.

She's blonde. I'm blond.

I've always kind of liked those

brother sister couples a little bit.

This weekend, relive the

magic of the last six weeks

with your favorite young buck

episodes.

I'm a hugger. A really

big hugger.

She's an all-American hugger

fairy Princess.

Will this hugger fairy

Princess find her true love?

Or, will her heart be broken?

I know my heart. It's so

confused.

I feel like a little girl trapped

in some Grimm fairytale.

This is awful.

It's all Monday night on the

shocking finale of young bucks!

Mount up, America!

- 'Scuse me, y'all got ESPN or something?

- Sure.

Anything for a young buck.

We don't get too many of those

around here.

God dammit, foster!

You stir sh*t up

wherever you go, Mr. reality?

So how long ago did you finish shooting

that show? You look different.

Uh, a few weeks ago, I guess.

No way! Sh*t, so did you get

the girl?

What'd you call her? The

all-American hugger fairy Princess?

- I never actually said that.

- You said it tonight.

You said it. I heard you.

You heard me say it tonight,

but I never actually said it.

Yeah you did.

The producers do this thing where

they "Frankenbite" dialogue.

They edit together two totally different

conversations to make their own dialogue.

It's, I don't know.

If the camera's not on me when I'm

talking, you can bet the dialogue...

Has been Frankensteined.

You got it.

Reality can be such a b*tch.

You know what the

magazines say about you?

They say that you're just

a waiter.

Is this true, or you

keepin' something from America?

Are you like secretly a prince

undercover, or you just got some demons?

I mean what would honestly possess

you to be on a show like that?

It's so degrading!

- It's like the lowest common

denominator of humanity. Okay!

I mean most people think that

reality stars are douchebags.

Wow.

Oh yeah! F*** me, oh you, you

young f***ing buck. Scottie!

It's

Scottie. You know what to do.

Hey Scottie, it's me again.

Um, I thought you were coming

this morning with the truck.

You said you were coming.

Fitz is here. I'm here. We've

got that meeting on Monday.

F***. Just call me back.

Ah, sh*t!

Oh!

Well, timing is everything, huh?

I was gonna surprise you

with this later.

- They do this in Hawaii.

- We're not in Hawaii.

I know. I found all this stuff: Candles,

Bambi over there, in your dad's shed.

- So, got a wee bit distracted today.

- Kate:

Kate, the yardwork will get

done. I promise.

I know, but you just said you

were gonna do it today.

- We have so much to do.

- It's gonna get done, okay?

Don't worry. It's not like the

sale's gonna fall through.

Kate! What's wrong? He didn't

call?

No. God, I just want to throttle the

little sh*t and that slippery smile.

Katie, come on. I told you, don't worry.

I can always get us another truck.

Calm down.

I'm not gonna calm down! Jesus

Fitz, just let me be pissed at him!

Okay. Well, you can throw your

piss around all you want,

but he's never gonna be who you

want him to be.

I just need him to show up.

- Throw my piss around?

- Yeah, don't do that. It's gross.

I don't know.

- Such a weirdo.

- Well, picture it!

I know this is all a little much,

but just entertain me, okay?

Speak to the universe;

The milky way.

It'll make you feel better, and I'll

clean it all up in the morning.

- Do it for Bambi!

- Okay?

Um, I've got a cabin full of

Randy Olson's stuff,

and a brother who's a smiling

shithead, and

guess I'm just looking

for some help.

Good luck.

I grew up close to the woods, so

my dad would take me hunting,

but whatever, you know, I

killed, I had to eat it.

First thing I ate was a

squirrel.

It was pretty gross, but kinda

tastes like chicken.

Pull!

That's what you say when you're

shooting Clay pigeons,

not bales of hay!

Pretty good, pretty good.

Aww!

- That...

- that was terrible!

Where were you aiming?

For your heart.

Oh, very sweet.

But, you still missed.

Well, you know there's something

really special about Scottie.

There's definitely something going

on in those blue eyes of his.

There's something spinning, or

troubling, or just plain sexy.

He's a good hugger. And I'm

hugger. A really big hugger.

Looking forward to hugging him

again!

So, I know that you are a really

bad shot, but that's about it.

What else do you want to know?

You could tell me about your family.

You have a sister, right?

Yeah, yeah. I have an older sister.

She's a consultant for big companies.

Tells them how to do their jobs.

What?

You've got to give me, like, a

little bit more.

It could be harmless. It could be

like your favorite childhood memory.

You wanna keep the buckle,

don't you?

There was this cabin on a lake.

It wasn't much of a place,

but, um,

but in the summer, my-my sister

and I would swim for hours.

We'd take these long, running

jumps off the dock.

Hundreds in a day.

I don't know.

Freed us from the grief of

living with Randy and Sandy.

- Randy and Sandy?

- My parents. I know.

Oh, and then my sister,

she names the dog Brandy.

That's hilarious.

Not really.

It's sad.

Are your parents still together?

No. My mom died when I was

in junior high,

but uh my dad took over, and

he wasn't really cut out to be

a single parent.

I think we just had it.

I think we just had

a real moment.

Yeah.

Here.

Keep this, and it'll remind you

of our real moment.

One, two, three, four,

I declare a thumb war.

Oh, you're going down.

- Come on Kelly!

- Ow.

- No, oh, oh, one, two, three,

pin! -

I came on this show because I

have lost at love.

I want to have my happy ending.

The Scottie ending could be the

happiest ending on earth.

I mean I know there's a lot of

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